Buckets in Toyland

You're probably thinking to yourself, "If only one of the hundreds of media outlets would compose some kind of... list that told me which items would be hot buys for the Christmas season... then I might be able to give up my will and submit to the horsewhip of consumerism!"

Well, your old pal Chris has his horsewhip firmly in hand, and with it, he plans to lead you to the waters of consumer goods and hold your head under until you are forced to drink. Big smiles everyone! Here we go:

XB-39 Eagleye Digital Camera R/C Airplane

Ever want to run a reconnaissance mission in Iran, but never had the time or money? Ever feel the need to piss off your neighbors, but you just couldn't figure out the perfect way how?

For $129.00, you can soar around your neighborhood by remote control, snapping pictures of just about anything and everything.

Homeland Security will have nothing on you when it comes to invasion of privacy! Send this bad boy upto 1,000 feet in the air, swoop around, take aerial pictures, and then land safely so that you can upload all 29 pictures to your home computer.

The perfect gift for peeping toms and nazi architectural committee community board members! Paint it jet black for an extra touch of stealthiness, as it soars into backyards everywhere with its 55-inch wingspan.

BrightFeet Lighted Slippers

Tired of beams of light that come from above the floor? Like to pretend that you're an armless crime scene investigator? Boston Ideas, LLC has come up with a solution to all your problems and an answer to all your desires!

For $40, the BrightFeet will light your way to happiness... if you define happiness as being twin beams of soft light eminating from your toes. And they're so practical, too!

The amazing innovations only light up when you stand on them AND only when it is dark. So don't bother reaching for a light switch! Don't turn on that lamp! Throw away all your night lights! BrightFeet shines a path... to success.

One of the colors selections available is Army Camo, for the rugged hunter suffering from cold toes and a fear of ankle-level darkness.

P Phone Mobile Handset

Sometimes talking on a cellphone while driving doesn't feel challenging enough. The geniuses at Propeller Modern therefore have delivered unto us... a corded handset that plugs into your cellphone.

...

Damn. I can't even continue this "I'm the advertisement writer guy" bit for this doo-dad. This thing is just plain retarded. Who the fuck wants to walk around with this thing? Lord knows it can't fit into many purses. It's definitely not going into my pocket. And it'd give a semblance of insanity to have it dangling from your belt.

As I type this, the description that I'm reading says "cast from vintage telephones". Hahahaha, holy shit do I feel old. "Vintage"? As if they had to go to a museum and make a plaster mold of these ancient objects to bring them forth to modern man. Indeed, few alive have laid eyes upon these mysteries of the past! Maybe if this manufacturer had looked into the past, it would have realized that people started ditching corded phones because they sucked compared to CORDLESS AND WIRELESS phones.

In fact, I think that a synonymous term for cellphone would be "mobile phone". Mobile. Not bound. Not restricted. Not limited in range... by a cord. My guess is that everyone at Propeller will be looking for a new job come February. That's my market prediction, as the fat cats of economics would say. Gah. That last one sickens me with the overly sweet flavor of stupidity. Tastes like Koolaid where the maker used too much mix and not enough water.

Ah well, here's a short sum-up of other insane or crappy gifts coming out:

Motorized Ice Cream Cone: Solid plastic cone with a top that rotates, so that you don't have to physically turn the cone yourself to lick the ice cream. Whoever gave that thing a patent needs to be shot.

Foot Flusher: It's a pedal for your toilet. No shit.

Cruzin Cooler: Unbelievable. Comes in gas (30 mile range) and electric (10 mile range). The $350 price tag disturbs me. I'm disturbed even more by the fact that the man's dog sits in the back cooler. Is it really that hot outside, or is Spot part of some sick pet-eating picnic? "Cruzin Cooler combines two basic necessities of life, the ability to have cold food or a beverage handy along with the means to get somewhere, without walking."

Sure. Sitting on a mini-fridge and driving at 10 miles per hour are life necessities. Jefferson just forgot to squeeze those in between "life" and "liberty" when he drafted the Constitution. And let's not kid ourselves... that's no all-terrain vehicle right there. Outside of a sidewalk or driveway, I don't see that cooler taking me anywhere.

Especially not 30 miles of anywhere.

Non-Newtonian Fluid

Some extremely odd stuff. Apparently by mixing a substance like borax or cornstarch with water at a certain ratio, you can make a goopy liquid that acts like a solid when it is under high pressure/impact/stress.

It's basically somewhere between silly putty and quicksand.



If I had an empty pool and a shit ton of money to burn, I'd definitely give this a shot.

But I'm too busy studying for finals and finishing outlines for classes. When it's all said and done, I'll be looking forward to Christmas break, which will roll straight into my wedding celebration. More like a "weddebration" or a "fiestamonial event".

Still, finals must be completed before I can fully relax and enjoy thinking about my wedding par-tay. But what do I do when not studying for finals in my computer room? Glad you should ask because there would've been an awkward silence if I had to think up a transition myself, and no one like awkward silences. I mean, if there was being who embodied awkward silence, he would probably hate himself. No joke.

Anyway, when not studying in my computer room, I shall be studying on the excellent new couch Kelly and I bought. Fucking awesomeness. My first couch... a couch that actually belongs to me (and my soon-to-be-wife).

Is it a sign of maturity when you are as excited about getting a couch as you used to be about getting an X-Box or PS2? Or maybe it's a sign of insanity. A tattoo of insanity. A black mark of pirate insanity. But who doesn't love pirates? People love 'em. They loved them when the pirates raomed the oceans and stole from royal merchant ships, and they love being computer pirates nowadays, stealing from the corporate royalty of music and movie.

Really, did the government think they'd discourage copyright infringement by referring to it as "piracy"? They might as well have called it "mad ninja skills".

One of the Worst Criminals Ever

Do they need to stick this guy in prison? Because I think he punished himself enough.

(no audio, but still hilarious)



Seriously, how high did this guy have to be before he thought robbing a closed liquor store IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY would be a good idea? With no mask, even. I would've loved to be the defense attorney who heard this guy's story.

Miss Those Kittens

It has now been several days, and no sign of any of the kittens. One day they were eating delicious turkey that I was feeding them, and the next... vanished.

I highly doubt they all managed to get killed at once. They were smart and wiley kittens and often travelled separate from one another. What I think happened is that the angry black lady living on the floor above me finally called animal control services and got them caught.

Imagine a large frown on my face. Now double that.

Ah well, I hope they get adopted while at the shelter. I still have the gremlins to keep me company though... sock-stealing, light-leaving-on bastards.

And here's a nice pick-up line developped by Paul this weekend: "I want to be the Jim Hensen to your Kermit." Nasty.

Hilarious, but nasty.

A Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Bucket

We've all felt it before.

A doldrum. Restlessness.Tedium. Dispiritedness. Melancholy. Dullness. Numbness.

Boredom. And when is boredom the most striking and painful? When we're alone. It strikes hardest when routines become so bland that we don't even see the point in using them to pass time. It squeezes our minds when that which typically entertains us falls pathetically short. It wrenches our very souls when we sit in solitude wondering, "What the hell am I supposed to do now?"

Boredom can be so intense at times that it almost creates a desire to give into apathy. To just not care. To not even want to avoid the nothingness with sleep. Instead, the boredom feels like a rock tied tightly to your soul and then tosses into a sea of absolute pointlessness.

You want to do something to break that boredom, but your mind gives a million and one reasons why all the possibilities for action can't or shouldn't be used. That's my current status right now. Luckily, I found some action to stimulate the old think engine of mine by describing crippling boredom in my blog.

Good times. Actually, I guess this would count as "bad times", but whatever. I'm blowing this joint tomorrow and heading for glorious old Athens, Georgia. Hang out with friends. Watch some football. Spout obscene language and politically incorrect jokes. Drink beers. THAT is a bonafide boredom basher... no doubt about it.

And so my ploy has worked. My spirits are lifted. Hope re-enters my mind. And overall, I'm feeling pretty good. Hahaha. Nice try, Apathy. But you have to a far more abstract and loathesome emotional state to take down good old Chris. What state is that, you ask?

Iowa. Corn-loving bastards.

What a Wonderful World

The following comes from an actual case out of Ohio written by a municipal court judge in his holding:

The court hereby announces a pearl,

It's sometimes OK to have a squirrel.

The legislature did a statute create,

The Wildlife Division obviously did not equate.

The necessity to be kind, thorough and specific,

The lack of these is legally terrific.

The result is this very short epistle,

The defendent/squirrel is granted a dismissal.

God, I love our country.

Chiba Chiaki

Ever wonder what your name in Japanese would be?

http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/namegen/969/

Mine is the title for this article. It means something like "thousand feathers / fine autumn". Hmm. Something probably gets lost in the translation for that one.

Also, let me just say ARRRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

I turn on my radio on my drive to school this morning. I change the channel to my favorite modern rock station in Macon. In fact, it is the only modern rock station in Macon. And what befalls my unsuspecting ears? Christmas music. Yeah. Check the date on this post. It's only October 31st, people.

Halloween has just started, and Thanksgiving isn't even visible on the horizon... and yet... Christmas music. You're probably thinking, "Macon must have a shitty rock station if they play Christmas music at all, let alone this early."

Well, looks like Macon now has NO modern rock station. Yeah... some family music love-love crap station has taken over. So now my only access to rock and roll is the classic rock station, and I do like classic rock.

Still, I also like variety. MACON IS KILLING MY VARIETY! WITH CHRISTMAS MUSIC!!! They might as well just send a letter to my apartment saying, "Hey, you better get moving on stealing music off the internet because we're gonna rape your legal music selection."

My Kingdom for an Update!

First off: ROBOTS.

I keep talking about robots. I talk about ninja robots, robot pets, thinking robots, and of course robot moon bases. But nothing could have prepared my mind... nay, my very soul... for what you are about to see next.



That's right. It's a robot chair that recreates itself after destroying itself. What's the point of that? The point is that robots are fucking insane. These constructs of soulless steel, death, circuitry, and possibly more death can do anything and everything. Destroy them? Hahaha. They open their maniacal_laugh.mp3 files at us and run them in our faces at maximum volume. If a robot chair can rebuild itself, think of what full-sized robots armed with laser eyes and fire breath will be possible of.

THINK.

In other news, the kittens continue to live thanks to my heroic and extremely sexy efforts. The gray one is definitely "Smokey". The name just fits. The other two remain nameless so far, but naming them is not the greatest concern.

I'm worried about what'll happen when I go back to Marietta for winter break and the kittens are left alone out in the cold weather. Yeah, yeah... I realize this is Georgia, but this year, it actually has gotten cold early down here. Typically, winter only really starts to kick in by late November or even early December. But already in October we've had nights dip into the low to mid 30's. I may have to call animal services to pick the kittens up for their own safety.

Or eat them. Eating kittens might be against some form of "law" though, so animal services might be the way to go.

That's all for now, people. I leave with a "peace out" and a stark reminder of the horror of racial profiling.








"Son, do you know how black you were going?"

Picture of the Kittens

Here are two of the kittens I talked about earlier.



















Maybe I could name them legal terms like "De Novo" and "Quantum Meruit"...

Robocalypse: Bucket-sized

Are you joking me, scientists? Are you fucking kidding me?!?

http://www.newscientist.com/article.ns?id=dn4263

Robots that know martial arts!!! How the hell am I supposed to mount a human resistence when robots try to take over? Huh? I was expecting the robots to be relatively slow yet powerful. Now they'll be powerful and have Jet Li levels of ass-kickery.

And the article says the good old Japanese could EASILY create a more nimble robot.

So what's the hold up, you ask?

They're too busy trying to give robots the ability to learn just like humans. Well, just like humans outside of the deep South at least. So expect to see genius, backflipping, ass-kicking, deathbots roaming your local grocery store in, ohhhh... let's say 15 to 20 years. If we kick their ass in round one, the robot hordes will simply retreat back to their moon base.

Maybe then we can drop a few thousand nukes on them. All your moon base are belong to us, you soul-less bastards!

The Wide World of Chris

So much to say, so much to say. First, let me say that I've been running into a small group of kittens lately. One that's all black, one that's black and white, and one that's smoky gray. They hide amongst the hedges in front of the building I live in, jumping about and frolicking merrily. Cute as hell, too. Even from a macho perspective, your heart has to melt when you see a kitten chase a butterfly. A tiny yellow butterfly. The black and white one just keep pouncing, trying to catch the sucker.

Insane cuteness. The alpha and omega of cuteness. Kelly suggested earlier that I should maybe name them. Considering they are probably gonna disappear in the near future as they age and their mother moves them, I might refrain from doing so.

Or I could just give them insanely hardcore, un-kittenlike names just for kicks. Maybe they could be Extremis, Warhammer, and Bloodfeast 2099? Just a thought, but a much nicer thought than those of all the recent school shooting. You know the world is going to hell in a handbasket when an Amish school has a shooting.

And then we have kids being hit on by Congressmen. Not safe to be a child in modern America apparently. Being rich and a political figure, he'll probably elude serious jailtime... until Chris Hansen from Dateline gets him! That child predator-catching show is too funny.

Scary to see that many men trying to molest young kids? Absolutely. Hilarious to see the aforementioned men try to nervously explain why they IMed under names like bananahammok_78, asking how long a 12-year olds dick is? PHENOMENALLY so. I mean, if you're over 20 and trying to bang little kids, your life hasn't exactly gone quite right. But getting busted on national television for the pervert you truly are? That's just so funny to me.

These guys know what they're doing is wrong yet try to do it anyway by keeping a low profile. Watching them get their cover blown and exposed to the judgment of society is probably the best punishment I could think of for them. Bravo, Dateline. Bravo. Providing entertainment and justice in 1-hour installments makes for some solid broadcasts.

In movie news, Robert Downey Jr. has picked up the role of Iron Man. I think the movie is set for the summer of 2008. Not a bad choice when you consider that Iron Man became had to fight alcoholism later in his career. Downey definitely has a deep pool of experience to dredge through if the role calls for it.

Hahaha. Booze.

...

Ah well, until next time, people. Peace out.

Quick Trip to NY

Ah, good old New York. How I have missed thee. Good thing I get to visit your glory for the better part of Saturday as I travel by way of plane the Big Apple. Five course italian meal? Don't mind if do. I love delicious food, and celebrating the 75th birthday of Kelly's grandfather only makes the trip even more fun.

Gotta watch out though. I don't want to accidentally bring any dangerous substances like chapstick or minishampoo in my carry-on bag. The first step toward stopping terrorism is the confiscation of stick of deodorant afterall. I'm just waiting for the day when a terrorist tries to strangle a stewardess with his pants, thereby ensuring that all future flights will require 100% nudity among passengers.

Of course, little kids wouldn't be allowed to travel on all-nude flights, so that's a plus.

Anyway, I leave you with an edited comic cover and bid thee farewell. I'm not sure what the cover said before someone edited it, but it seems hilarious on its own:



Until next time...

Bulldog Bucket

Wheeeeeeewwwww! That was a close call this past Saturdy as Georgia rallied in the last few minutes of their game to beat Colorado 14 to 13. Nerve-racking shit indeed. Cox was brought in during the last quarter, and the offense finally pulled itself together. The word "touch" must've been spoken by the announcers at least 20 times in the last few minutes as Cox threw accurate passes without having to unload them like the cannon arm of Stafford.

All in all, I know Stafford is gonna get criticized by the fans a bunch... but hey. He's a friggin' true freshmen people. We can see he has the raw talent, but the kid needs time to shaped and harnessed into a top college quaterback. I'm sure in two years, all of us Georgia fans will be talking about a national championship, not as a distant hope or optimistic dream... but as an extreme likelihood.

And then... me and Kelly will be selling season tickets for $60 a piece. Hahaha! Price gouging at its finest. Actually, the oil companies would be price gouging at its finest, and thank sweet merciful God that prices are finally dropping.

Don't get me wrong. Seeing the pump break $40 to fill my 13 gallon tank was definitely a fun new experience for me, but perhaps it would be best if I could save some money to spend on... oh, I don't know... food, utilities, and clothing. Especially since stuff like my brother's birthday, Christmas, and my wedding are all coming up in the next few months.

In other news, it doesn't look like all of the U.S.'s illegal immigrants will be getting a free ride to citizenship. Sorry, law breakers! Maybe we'll let you become citizens when you respect our nation and come in lawfully.

To try and stem the flow of illegal immigrants, Congress is funding a 700-mile fence-like wall to cover our 2000 miles of border with Mexico. Call me crazy, but I think that leaves 300 miles of just open terrain for people to run across. Ironically enough, we could get the extra 300 miles built without adding to our budget if we just hired illegal immigrants. Oh irony, thine bitter cup dost overflow!

Buying Toilet Paper

So today after my first class, I head over to the supermarket to get some toilet paper. That was all I needed. Some good old TP.

But it's kinda weird when ALL you need is toilet paper. Y'know? There I was, walking up to the check-out lane with nothing but an enormous... possibily gigantic... maybe even ginormous 12-pack of Scott bathroom tissue. But everyone knows it isn't really "tissue paper". And they're fairly certain you won't be blowing your nose on it. Just awkward stuff, in my opinion.

I mean, everyone needs toilet paper. Yet seeing someone walking to a register with a double-digit pack of rolls makes you think, "Man... that person has a LOT of crapping to do."

Speaking of crap, Steve Irwin (the "Crocodile Hunter") was killed by a sting ray. The dude wrestles with crocs and fucks around with poisonous snakes... and a cute little sting ray gets him? I can verify that sting rays are indeed "cute" because I saw some at the Georgia Aquarium this weekend. The damn things have smiley faces on them! God did not intend these critters to kill people.







Frankly, I think this croc knew what was coming.








And factually, I am supported on my perception of God's undeniable will. Since modern worldwide recordings began, only THREE people have died from a sting ray's attack. Three people... in almost two hundred years. And who ends up being victim #4 to the ocean's happiest residents? Steve fuckin' Irwin! The guy who made "Crickey" a household word and tried valiantly to bring ultra-short khaki shorts into style with men. It's INSANITY! Across the globe, many crocodile tears will undoubtedly be shed.

As to my trip to the aquarium, I will share more news on that later. Peace out, people all over the world... or at least the handful of friends who read this.

Hahaha... Fantastic

An alternate ending video to the ORIGINAL Superman movie. Not the new one that had that crappy Lois Lane.

Johari Meets Bucket

http://kevan.org/johari?name=ChrisJV

That is the link to my Johari page. Basically, I picked out 5 or 6 traits about myself. Now people who know me can go on their, pick 5 or 6 traits they associate with me, and then we can all look to see how skewed my self-image is. Hahaha. Fucktastic? Maybe. Worth the two seconds it takes to pick your answers? Easily.

In law school news, my Health Care Law professor spit out a nifty little quote in class today:

The Golden Rule: those that make the rules get the gold.

Cynical bastard, but he makes a lot of sense. And who can complain with sense... other than John Karr? That guy is fucking creepy. Apparently did not kill JonBenet Ramsey, but if creepiness were a crime, I'd run him through the gas chamber thrice.

Once for the killing. A second time just to make sure all the news media got good pictures of it because how can the American public satiate their blood lust without a good picture. And the third time for good luck (just like a birthday cake, which is ironic because this dude is getting killed).

I was briefly thinking of putting up a picture of Karr, but sweet almighty Odin, I think we've seen it enough. I bet his graduating class in high school all burned their year books. Or at least tore out his page, even if it meant tearing out their picture as well. CREEPY. Creepy as a cat?

No, no. Cats are confident. Far, far from the realm of that which crawls and creeps.

Back in Black

Actually... I'll be wearing a gray polo with horizontal navy stripes, but you get the idea. Or maybe you don't, since I haven't told you what I'm going back to?

Law school, bitches. Summer is 100% over. Don't even have an orientation week holding me back now. This will also mark the first semester in law school where I get to pick some of my classes. Exciting? Quite so. Even more exciting? Getting to register for Intellectul Property... of Gremlins. If a two-foot tall, evil demon with a penchant for water and midnight snacking wants to secure his rights to an Anti-Gizmo gun, I'll know how to help him through the process.

That's all for now, people. And Deepak, if you're checking this post out, Patrick added me on Facebook yesterday. CRAZY and outta left field. Haven't heard from that guy in years. Still, quite awesome.

Bunnies Re-enact Movies

This is pretty fucktastic stuff, if I do say so myself. And trust me, I do say it with no aid.

http://www.angryalien.com/

Short cartoons, only 30 seconds in length, that give you a summary on an entire movie... replayed by bunnies. The Pulp Fiction one and Star Wars are cool. Brokeback Mountain is one of the funniest to watch. Hahaha. Cool site.

And don't forget to watch the Roast of William Shatner on Comedy Central tonight at 10pm! An hour of Shatner jokes can never go wrong. NEVAH!

Airport Security Flaw

OK, so airport security has decided that liquid and semi-solid explosives stand as a great danger to air travel.

Now you can't take make-up, sports drinks, non-prescription medicine, or bottled water along with your carry-on luggage. And if you try to, what happens? Security takes your shit away, and tosses it in a bin like what we see in the picture above.

Is... is that really a smart thing to do? You confiscate a potential explosive off of someone, and then you DUMP it into a bin full of other potential explosives.

Now I'm not a rocket scientist, but maybe dumping volatile explosive liquids onto one another isn't such a great idea. Sure, you'll be saving an airplane from getting blown up, but the trade off is having an entire airport terminal explode. Not exactly what I'd call "sufficient security measures", but what do I know?

A Passing

"I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!'

Gone where? Gone from my sight ... that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'There she goes!' there are other eyes watching her coming and their voices ready to take up the glad shouts 'Here she comes!'"

-Henry Van Dyke, A Parable of Immortality

Spontaneous Idea #3

Let’s say that the legal profession doesn’t work out for me. What would I do as a back-up? What would be my new career path? I have a few ideas I’d like to run by you guys. Tell me what you think:

1) Karate Instructor for Little Kids: I’d only train kids under the age of 11. But I wouldn’t waste time or effort on “drills” or “warming up” or “discipline”. No, no. Instead, I’d just have all the kids get into uniform, form a group at one end of the room opposite from me, and then tell them, “Bring it on.”

Each class will consist of a herd of little tykes trying to bum rush me while I punch, shove, toss, and kick them aside. The only rule, of course, would be no nut-punching. Anyone caught doing those gets body slammed hard. But, man! Just imagine how quick these kids will learn the ways of hand-to-hand combat. Kill or be killed… that could be my school’s motto.

I’d make sure to videotape each session too, and then send that shit into America’s Funniest Home Videos. Surely, that’s money in the bank.

2) Kangaroo Police Force Founder: Hahaha, this is a good one. I’d start up a company of trainers who would condition kangaroos to become law enforcement aids. Think about it: we already have police dogs for sniffing out drugs and hunting down criminals.

But in general, you can’t expect a police dog to do too well in situations like bank robberies, large scale riots, or other hostile situations. This is where Koparoos come in. Certain breeds of kangaroo are quite large, easily hitting 6 feet in height and weighing over 200 pounds. They’re also decently speedy animals when in a hop-sprint, and as some may have seen in online videos or pictures, kangaroos have a terrific natural instinct to fight. They can lash out with their huge legs or even punch you in the face with lightning quick jabs. Not to mention, the females come with those awesome pouches for storing random shit.

Now imagine you’re a rioter... probably some dumb hippie calling for the downfall of corporate America or some nutty conservative fanatic getting rowdy at an abortion clinic. The police come in and start telling everyone to break it up and go home, but you and the hundreds of people with you are either high or drunk and ready to fight. Tear gas only manages to get you and the unruly mob to move the riot a bit down the street. Police are getting pelted with rocks and flaming debris.

Next thing you know, someone behind you screams, “KOPAROOS!”

Down the street charging in at 30 miles per hour, you see a pack of kangaroos wearing police hats and wielding beanbag guns. The ‘roos fire off a few rounds into the frontline of your mob and then come crashing in, beating the ever-living piss out of people with their speedy fists and powerful legs.

Would you stick around and keep up your protest? I think not. Like most people, you’d be running your ass home to avoid a kanga-beatdown. SCORE! Governments would be clamoring for Koparoos. Absolutely fucktastic.

3) Super Model: It could happen.

4) Mad TV Comedy Writer: Honestly, could I make the current situation there any worse? Way I see, that sketch comedy show has hit rock bottom. Hiring me could ONLY make things better, even if only in the slightest of ways. I’d just make a skit involving a drunken and naked Mel Gibson defecating in public and screaming anti-Semitic slurs while wearing his Braveheart make-up. The ratings would shoot through the roof! Fair enough? I think so.

Bathroom Update

Update on the Bathroom Hole: Everything has finally been patched up. The crew still needs to slap a fresh coat of paint over the repairs, but at least now, I don’t have to worry about anything crawling onto me when I’m answering nature’s call.

Now here’s a thought… why do people say “nature is calling” when they have to go to the bathroom? If I was nature, I sure wouldn’t want someone to piss or crap on me. Lord knows I wouldn’t be calling people over to do it!

Mother Nature: “Hey! Yo! HEY THERE!”

Random Person: “Huh? Oh, it’s just you, Mother Nature. How’s it going?”

Mother Nature: “Pretty good, pretty good… I’m worried that North Korea or Israel might start a nuclear war and fuck up my hair, but I’m doing well.”

Random Person: “Wow, that’s great. Anyway, I have to go take my seat now-“

Mother Nature: “Oh.”

Random Person: “because the movie’s about to begin. You seem disappointed.”

Mother Nature: “No, no… I was just looking forward to spending time with you. But if a movie is more important than the planet you live on…”

Random Person: “It’s not that, but I just paid for these tickets… my date is waiting in there… previews are gonna start…”

Mother Nature: “Pee on me.”

Random Person: “the movie stars Brad Pi- WHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAA?!?”

Mother Nature: “C’moooooon! You know you want to. And man, do I need some hot pee-“

Random Person: “Nature.”

Mother Nature: “and I need that steamy yellow goodness-“

Random Person: “Nature!”

Mother Nature: “like Democrats need a presidential candidate people give a shit about.”

Random Person: “NATURE!”

Mother Nature: “…”

Random Person: “That’s enough! That is… I mean, that is gross to be honest with you. I do NOT want to pee on you.”

Mother Nature: “I’m up for some poop if you-“

Random Person: “NO! No poop, no pee, or anything else! Honestly, this is pretty offensive. I’m not even hungry for this King-sized bag of M&M’s anymore. So thank you. Thank you for ruining my movie-going experience. You and your ‘call’ are so fucking annoying!”

Mother Nature: “Hey now! I’m Mother fucking Nature! How dare you speak to me like that. Without me, you and civilization are worth nothing.”

Random Person: “Well, that-“

Mother Nature: “NOTHING! Less than nothing! You gets your trees for paper, houses, and furniture from ME. You mine metals for your skyscrapers, cars, aircraft, boats, and weapons from ME. The minerals used to create plastics? Me. The air you breathe? Me. The water you drink? Me. It’s all me, all the time! Fuckin’ prime time! So when I ask for some mother fuckin’ pee, the only thing I should here from yo monkey ass is, ‘How much pee, Mother Nature?’ YOU GOT THAT!?”

Random Person: “…” (puts down M&M’s and sodas) “Damn it.” (unzips pants)

Mother Nature: “That’s right. I hope you miss all the good previews, too.”

Random Person: “I’m never recycling again…”

Headlines

MONKEYS ON A TRAIN

NEW DELHI - In an effort to keep monkeys out of the New Delhi subways, authorities have called in one of the few animals known to scare the creatures — a fierce-looking primate called the langur, the Hindustan Times newspaper reported Wednesday.

I had the personal pleasure of interviewing the langur during his lunch break. We sat down for a cup of tea, and the critter spoke his mind.

"Business is splendid," the wrangler of monkeys said in a soft tone as he took out his monocle and sipped from his tea. "With this recent simian influx, I find demand for my services to be rather high. My one wish is to find a competent assistant who can-"

The langur cut his talk off with me at this point as he began shrieking at his waitress and flinging shit at nearby patrons. A local merchant had this to say about the situation:

"We have subways in India? By Vishnu, this is wonderful news!"

-- Original Story from Yahoo

BUSHAMANIA RUNS WILD

In a late breaking story coming from the WHWF (White House Wrestling Federation), President Bush challenged Sam "Ballbuster" Donaldson to a steel cage match this summer on PPV.

Bush, the reigning political champion and former holder of the "hardcore" title, was in the midst of laying a verbal smackdown upon his competition when veteran Donaldson chimed in with, "Mr President, should Mel Gibson be forgiven... FOR VOTING FOR YOUR SORRY ASS!?"

Amidst a rash of "ohhhh's" from the crowd, Bush smirked and shouted back, "Is that Sam Donaldson? Forget it. You're a has-been! I don't have to answer has-been's questions, brother!"

Bush then tore his shirt off and flexed his arms, which he proclaims to be his WMD's. Bush continued on with, "You like running your mouth, brother? Well, maybe you'd like to back those words up with your fists next week on live television... in a steel cage match! Whatcha gonna do when Bush-a-mania runs wild on YOU?"

As the frenzied crowds departed with chants of "USA! USA!", Donaldson stood alone in the conference room with this reporter. Asked if he would accept the challenge, Donaldson nodded his head and said, "If ya wanna be the man... ya gotta beat the man. WOOOOOOOO!"
-- Original Story from Drudgereport.

Office Space + Justice League = Sweetness

Nothing ultra hilarious, but this is definitely pretty good stuff. I mean, I personally think it's funny. So give into conformity and think it's funny, too. Conform, damn it! CONFORM!

Random Rant on Alcoholism

RANT: People go into treatment for alcohol addiction, and when they finish, the treatment folks tell them they can NEVER drink again because the alcoholism never goes away.

Is that really "treatment"?

Treatment to me would be that you learn to control your drinking. Not that you have to give up drinking. That seems pretty fucking crazy. And since I've yet to see a concrete study showing that people are genetically predisposed to alcoholism (which also makes no sense to me) then the problem should just be mental. Which means with treatment, you should be able to control how much you can drink.

Honestly, I think the current treatment strategies are unrealistic. "Why?" you say. Because drinking alcohol occurs at almost every adult gathering humanity has to offer. Christmas. New Years. St. Patty's. Valentine's Day. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Retirement parties. Award ceremonies. Super Bowl Sunday. Almost every major sporting championship. Birth of a child. Etc. Etc. There's always alcohol. If you've drank it before, it's ridiculous to say, "Well, guess I can never ever do that again because I can't control myself."

Bullcrap! Of course you can control yourself. The treatment is just garbage to say otherwise.

If you get into a major accident and the government sends you to driver's ed, does the instructor tell everyone to just stop driving? If you have panic attacks when in the presence of large crowds, does your therapist tell you to never go out in public again? I mean, CHRIST! If you were a sex addict, no one in their right mind would ever say, "Never have sex again." They'd just try and help you get your addiction under control.

So are people only strong enough to beat certain mental disorders but not others? Is there just a point where mental health specialist say, "Nah, people are too weak to recover from this. Just tell them to avoid it forever"? Is that it?

I think not. I'm more inclined to believe that a "booze is bad" perspective remains in society from the old Puritan and Progressive ideologies from the late 19th and early 20th century. A string of bullcrap that still manages to seep its way into modern society... even in the "scientific" community. Thus, people facing an addiction to alcohol don't receive aid to control their drinking. They are simply told to end the behavior/habit of drinking altogether. A little bit retarded? Surely. Fair enough? Doubtful. Will I drink to that? You betcha.

Flush Club OR "I am Jack's Porcelain Altar"

Lo ! Death has reared himself a throne...

And that throne is my toilet.

A while ago, you may remember me talking about having a clog so tragic that the spirit of Homer himself wrote a saga about it. Much like a Greek epic, it was a lurid yet moral tale. Heroes died... thousands were slain in battle... and many gods were invoked. But in the end, everything resolved itself and many rejoiced.

Once again though, the heavens shake! The very pits of hell crack at their foundations! Beasts wail, children moan, and not a mother goes to sleep that does not dread what evil the night may bring. LO! A darkness casts itself from Death itself and places a blight upon my bathroom!!!

Damn you, my twice-cursed waste reciptical! I returned home from a long day's labor only to discover a gaping hole the size of Ted Kennedy's head in the wall behind my toilet! Indeed, the porcelain monstrosity is a toilet of many toils.

Apparently, water started leaking out of the wall of the toilet last night. But it stopped after I fiddled with the pipe leading into the wall. So I mopped up the mess, went to bed, and then told the apartment management about it as I left for work this morning at 8:40am. I come back at 5:45PM to find that no leak is coming from the pipe anymore. Oh good.

Instead, the maintenance people left me with a gaping mother fucking ABYSS of exposed piping and insulation. Didn't even leave me a fucking note to say they'll be back tonight to patch it up. I called the front desk, but the receptionist that works the phones after the office closes quite obviously is useless. All she can do is take down a message to leave for the office people... tomorrow. When I could call them myself. With a wry smile to myself, I asked, "Could you at least call the maintenance guys and see when they plan to come back and finish this?"

"No, sir. I can only call them for emergency work after the office closes."

Points of interest:

1) Are they really "maintenance" people? I don't feel as though my bathroom was properly maintened. Or even half maintened. It's actually in worse shape then I left it in this morning.

2) Is this receptionist running a suicide hotline? I mean, she must be... right? Because she can't do anything herself that would help me. She can't contact apartment management to help me. And she can't contact maintenance to help me. So her real purpose must be to talk me into NOT killing myself from frustration.

All ranting aside, I'm a bit unnerved about the prospect of using that toilet tonight. Who knows what the hell might dwell within the confines of an apartment complex bathroom wall.

Operation: Pirates

Alternate endings to Pirates of the Caribbean 2

Witch-Woman: (thick accent) You will haf to sail to da end of dee earf! And there be only one captain who knows da way!

[A pair of feet stomp their way down shoddy wooden steps as the camera pans up to reveal...]

Gandalf the White: (smiles) I come to you now at the turn of tide!

Will Turner: Holy %@^&!

ALT 2

[A pair of feet stomp their way down shoddy wooden steps as the camera pans up to reveal...]

Jack Bauer: (loads his gun) And we only have 24 hours to do this. MOVE OUT, PEOPLE!

[Screen cuts to black with a yellow countdown ticker]

ALT 3

[A pair of feet stomp their way down shoddy wooden steps as the camera pans up to reveal...]

Captain Morgan: Arrrrr! (holds up a bottle of Spiced Rum)

ALT 4

[A pair of feet stomp their way down shoddy wooden steps as the camera pans up to reveal...]

Ron Jeremy: (smug smile as porn music plays bin the background) No one can tame the Kraken... in my pants.

Elizabeth: Oh really...?

Will: (puts his face in his hands) I was ready to marry to a damned whore...

ALT 5

[A pair of feet stomp their way down shoddy wooden steps as the camera pans up to reveal...]

Samuel L. Jackson: (pulls out a gun) The path of the righteous man is set upon all sides by a mother fuckin' Kraken!

Spontaneous Idea #2

I bet a lot of vibrators named "LB" got tossed in the trash yesterday.

Therapy in a Bucket... of Music

Yahoo article on Music Therapy.

Not too shabby. I figure that whenever people ask what Kelly does, I do my best to explain... but often, that isn't enough. So this article might give some people a slightly better idea of what it is to be a music therapist.

China Can't Get a Man on the Moon...

But they plan on going ahead with a full scale test of nuclear fusion.

China to Probably Blow Up World

The first plasma discharge from China's experimental advanced
superconducting research center -- the so-called "artificial sun" --
is set to occur next month.

Call me crazy, but I don't really trust China to make an "artificial Sun" next month when they need over a DECADE to land a guy on the Moon. No one else on this planet has even come up with a fool proof way to create a sustaining nuclear fusion reaction of any substantial size. But China's going for it. Next month.

I think this all goes back to my prior post where I mocked China and mentioned how Japan would be building stars before the Chinese could harness solar power. Listen, China... I was joking. A jest... a quip... a satirical entry into my blog.

No need to get all huffy and try to prove your intelligence by getting us all "blowed up", as some in the southern United States would say.

The plasma discharge will draw international attention since some
scientists are concerned with risks involved in such a process.
But Chinese researchers involved in the project say any
radiation will cease once the test is completed.

I'm considering bumping up my wedding to next Wednesday, in case anyone was wondering. Between the fighting in the Middle East, the crazy-haired bastard running North Korea, and China doing it's best to imitate God in the Book of Genesis, it's a safe bet that all of us might not make it to next January.

Spontaneous Idea #1

Since they already have leash-harnesses for kids, why not just go a step farther to make life easier on bad parents?

I say we make the Kiddie-in-Cage! Just cram your child (ages 5 and under) into the plastic carrier with a steel grid door. A water bottle and feeder in the front provide nourishment while a chew toy in the back provides the entertainment. Never have to make physical or verbal contact with your child in public AGAIN!

<--- Insert loved-one here.

Yeah, you may be noticing the "#1" part next to title. You may even be thinking, "If he has a #1, that must mean he plans to have a #2. How can he plan to have something spontaneous?"

That is merely part of the conundrum that is Chris.

And Now... A Kitten

Awwwwwww......

A Motorcycle I'd Actually Buy

Check out the wheels on this fat bastard...

I'm pretty sure that if you click on the picture, it'll take you to a larger version. Not bad at all though!

Thing is called a Hyanide. Supposedly looks like a crouching hyena. Sounds more like the people naming it were doing acid. In any case, it's a monstrous badass piece of machinery. Good on dirt, rock, snow, and sand. Pretty much anywhere you would want to ride, the Hyanide can take ya there.

Sounds like I just found the perfect purchase for my Mayan adventure honeymoon. Boo yah.

Brain Drain? Bucket-Size It!

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2006/07/060721200906.htm

Ten healthy adults had volunteered to restrict their sleep to 5 hours on
the day before participating in the trial. An hour after eating a light lunch
they were given either an energy drink (42g sugar + 30mg caffeine) or an identically tasting zero-sugar drink. They then performed a monotonous 90-minute test during the afternoon 'dip' that assessed their sleepiness and ability to
concentrate.

For the first 30 minutes there was no difference in the reaction times or error rates, but 50 minutes after consuming the drinks, the performance of those who had had the energy drink started to slip, and they became significantly sleepier.

Other researched work shows that high energy drinks that contain caffeine will boost concentration.(1)

"A 'sugar rush' is not very effective in combating
sleepiness - so avoid soft drinks that contain lots of sugar but little or no
caffeine," explains Professor Jim Horne, who runs the Sleep Research Centre at
the University of Loughborough. "A much better way to combat sleepiness is to
have a drink that contains more useful amounts of caffeine and combine this with
a short nap".

I figured as much.

Sloppy Barber

Some may remember from a while back my gripe with a local hair cutter who (after he took off the protective hair tarp) patted my head nd showered my clothes with loose hair.

Certainly, twas a grave injustice. But hey... the place gives a two dollar discount to local students, and all other haircuts have been satisfactory or good. Well, today I got the barbarous barber again. The man was even worse than before! Hahaha. FIRST OFF, sitting in that chair reminded me of sitting in the Tea Cups at Disney World. That fucker kept spinning the chair back and forth as if wheeling me around would put an end to poverty and cure cancer.

I realize almost ever hair cutter will move the chair around from time to time, but this shit went overboard... over the rail... THE WHOLE DAMN SHIP SUNK! If I had closed my eyes, this chair-spinning demon very well could have caused a relapse in my vertigo from years past.

To top it all off, he still managed to leave a few scattered hairs untrimmed (I get a faded buzz cut). Flangriciously shabby to the Nth degree, bitches.

In other news, I decided to wear a shirt with french cuffs today. Didn't turn out so well...



















Remind me to stock up on Kryptonite.

Me and Kelly are also gearing up to pick our honeymoon spot. Top choice looks to be an all-inclusive adults-only resort that comes with free tours to three different Mayan ruins locations. With any luck, I just might find myself having to save Kelly and the entire world from some ancient Mayan spirit of evil! BRING IT ON, Tetzlachtl! Chris has a whole bag of 21st-century American whoop ass to deliver up to you... FedEx style! Which I guess means I'd drive a truck or something.

The method of delivering the aforementioned "whoop ass" remains up in the air for now. Perhaps a talisman or enchanted ruby of light? Or even just a cool hat and a whip, rockin' that shit like Harrison Ford in Last Crusade.

Alright, that's enough ranting for now. Until later, keep cool, people. Especially in all this crazy heat.

Bob Saget, Bitch

Funniest rap video EVER!

Temptation in a Bucket

Breyers ice cream was 4 for $10 today.

What kind of sick game are you playing, Breyers? Huh? Are you specifically trying to get me fat?

Anyway, I got the following fucktastic ice cream flavors:

1) New Breyers Swirls: cookies & cream
2) New Breyers Swirls: chocolate brownie
3) Reece's Pieces (peanut butter ice cream w/ Reece's cups)
4) Vanilla Brownie Fudge Swirl

Superman, Assholes, and the Revolutionary War

Ok, so I won't be talking about the Revolutionary War. But Superman and assholes? Ah-covered they will be.

First, let's start off with Superman. Supes. Big Blue. The Boy Scout. Mr. S-curl. All that stuff. He's the world's first conventional comic book superhero. And while Brandon Routhe looks like a skinny bitch in all the publicity shots and commercials I saw, he actually looks decent as Superman in the film. Perfect? No. But he does look good enough in the role that you actually buy him being Superman. Then again, just cause I bought it doesn't mean I'm sold on it.

To see the film, I went with a mottley assortment of characters: Kelly, Jacki, Nick, Chloe (Jacki's friend), Caila (Nick's lady), Oddi, Paul, and Kelly H. (Paul's lady). Risking the chance of a Yankees vs. Red Sox fist fight ensuing, I led the group the highest spires of the Mall of Georgia and into the fucking HUMONGOUS theater that we know as... IMAX.

Best part about? 20 minutes of 3D footage. Now was all of the 3D flawless? No, but the tech is getting close. The new 3D comes off basically crystal clear so long as the action isn't moving TOO fast. Unfortunately, Superman has a lotta hectic action scenes. Still, outta the 20 minues of 3D, about 10 minutes were flawless. The other ten were still pretty cool, even though the images would be kinda "ghosty" or seem like you could see through them.

But there is a scene involving a boat in the new 3D... and it was AWESOME! If all the 3D had looked that good, the film woulda blown my mind. Aside from the 3D, the movie had some great FX sequences. Superman saves people with style, and it all looks flawless. The CGI was just so good at times that you could actually believe a guy can save a... well, I don't want to give shit away. But Supes does save the world in this one. From Lex Luthor, of course. Kevin Spacey does a great job as the insane genius of Luthor, even though a few parts of the film were a bit too "goofy" for a supposed criminal. The only actor I really felt didn't nail a role was actually the actress Bosworth playing Lois Lane. Could be the way the script changed Lois though, but damn... Lois should be a bit bossier and more headstrong than that. This Lois Lane is apparently some floozy who happens to write decently but doesn't mind getting told what to do by... almost everyone.

All in all, a good film. Just not great, and Superman really deserves a great movie. Maybe if they pulled out Doomsday and gave Superman someone to actually FIGHT with, I would've been more entertained. But just getting to see Superman bust out his powers and save the day in more "mediocre" ways was still cool.

As for assholes, I have two to mention:

1) A random person getting onto the elevator as I'm trying to exit. Come on! You're supposed to let people get off the fuckin' elevator before you try to wedge your way in, and I mean... this person was pretty hefty, so wedging her way in was gonna happen no matter what. In any case, she's trying to squeeze her way past me the SECOND The doors are fully open. Then she says, "Excuse me," in that God awful condescending tone that we all know I hate. Flangricious biznatch.

Fortunately, she could not get past me with all the crap I was carrying. So I just stood there between the doors until she gave up and took a step back. Score 1 for Chris, common sense, and possibly a healthy lifestyle. "Being obese is genetics" my ass! Well, not literally my ass. I think my ass is rather fine at its current size, but people trying to pawn off being super fat as "the way they were born" is a crock of crap.

Because if eating yourself to death is "nature", then what does that make starving yourself to death? Oh that's right... we call that anorexia. A mental disorder. But doing the extreme opposite... sure... that is exactly what your body is coded for.

So in closing, people with mental disorders trying to barge past to get on elevators are assholes. Harsh yet true.

Now, this is a long post. If you need to, go take a break. Do some work. watch some TV. Then come back later and read the rest.

2) The next asshole is a person I happen to work with who thinks... I actually don't know what he thinks. But it is full of assholery.

All comes down to the fact that he has no friends or social life that I am aware of, and perhaps he sees the fact that two men being friends is "gay". For a heads up, Eddie works with me at the clerkship I have and (as has been mentioned a few times) we're good friends at law school. Aside from that, I don't talk too much about the job. Partly because some stuff is confidential and can't be talked of. Also partly because the stuff that can be talked about isn't really too exciting. Mostly just researching criminal statutes and cases, writing memos and briefs, getting lunch buffets at random places, and so on.

In any case, me and Eddie work for the same lawyer and generally go out and get lunch unless one of us has something else to do. I guess this means we must be gay, right? I mean, having a friend is just about the gayest thing I can imagine!!! Talking behind people's backs, worrying about how you dress, making snide comments, being emotional... all very heterosexual traits that the joke-maker possesses. But me and Eddie, who have hot female significant others, who have both played various sports and taken martial arts, who both follow carzy shit like "baseball" and "college football", and enjoy playing "Halo 2"... wait a second, I think that makes us totally straight! Whew. I was almost worried for a second there.

So what would lead this jaded co-worker... this trash talking colleague to say such things? Is it the fact that his "girlfriend" looks to be the least sexually satisfied woman I've ever met? Seriously, I actually feel bad for her sometimes because she's a pretty nice person, and he's just a total ass... especially to her. The whole group of clerks went out to eat one day, and rather than sit next to the girl he is dating, he sits on the opposite fucking end of the table. It's not like he was mad at her that day or vice versa. It wasn't like their romance is a secret. It was just that he plain did not want to sit next to her.

I can't even imagine a man who wouldn't want to sit next to his significant other when dining out with a group of people. Just seems retarded and heartless to me... but y'know... only in an asshol-ish kinda way.

In any case, this guy made a comment that was half-joke, half-blatant trash talk while at work. Now the comment wasn't very creative. Nor was it even that bad. What got to me was just the fact that he said it while we're at a job that is supposed to be somewhat professional. Bullshit 3rd grader "ohhh, wouldn't want to make Eddie jealous" hinting-at-possible-homosexuality jokes just shouldn't be getting used.

Especially by someone me and Eddie hardly talk to. Making gay cracks and your mom jokes CAN be sorta funny when made amongst friends. But for a mere co-worker to do so? That's trashtalk. And co-worker trashtalk is what assholes do.

More Robot Nuttiness

Japan Will Have Robot Moon Base by 2025.

Hahahahahaha!!! Are you shitting me, Japan? A robot moon base!? That is one Mr. Roboto that Chris will not "domo arogato". But as disturbing as the Japanese push for a Terminator 4: Moon Wars reality is, I still manage to find some humor in it as well.

How so, you ask? Let me explain, I say.

China recently made the news as well with their plans for the moon. By the year 2024, China plans to have one of its men walk on the moon. Wow. I gotta say... Japan pretty much blew China out of the proverbial water as far as space-news goes. I mean... it's only going to take the land of the rising sun ONE extra year over China to build an entire God damned moon base.

Just a generic moon base? No, no... A FUCKING ROBOT MOON BASE! The Japanese are going to be on and off the moon about a half-billion times to get this base built. Hell, they could probably lend China their spare parts from past trips and accelerate the Chinese space program by about 70 years.

While we're at it, I wonder what other kind of news events Japan will trump China on in the coming years.

"Britney Spears to Tour China in 2008"

"Japan to Clone Spears by 2009 for 'Britney in Every Home' Project"

"Chinese to Harness Solar Power by August"

"Sony to Build New Sun in October"

"China Spends $1 Billion to Advance Military"

"Japan Hires Chuck Norris and Mr. T to Defeat Godzilla"

"Chinese Find Oldest Fossil Record of Man"

"Bones of Japanese Time Traveller Discovered in China" (subtitle: Proves that Japan will master time itself by 2026)

The Next Level... of Apocalypse?

Welcome to the latest advancement in consumer-marketed artificial intelligence:






Pleo.

http://www.pcworld.com/news/article/0,aid,124610,00.asp

This tiny plastic, rubber, and metal abomination is going to be hitting the shelves this coming holiday season. The level of intelligence and autonomy this contraption has will blow away Furbies. It'll also blow away all those crappy "Robo-puppy", "Robo-zilla", and "Robo-Ghandi" toys you can find littered across your local Best Buy. Here's what one of the marketing men says about it:

"Christopher says all the life forms made by Ugobe must obey three laws."

Oh shit. Three laws. Isaac Asimov is rolling around in his fucking grave.

"They must feel and convey emotion, meaning they feel playful or angry and shows those emotions through either a cheerful or frustrated "squawk." They also must be aware of themselves and their environment, so they know if they're at the
edge of a table and need to avoid falling. Third, they must evolve over time."

First it's a "squawk". Next, the damn dino is gonna be stabbing you to death in your sleep. IN YOUR SLEEP. And is Will Smith going to be around to save us? Probably not, because he'll be in his nuclear bomb shelter with all his other rich friends... waiting out the robot apocalypse.

Honestly now people, we have all had exposure to what a world with robots running on artificial intelligence will be like... I, Robot. Terminator 1, 2, and 3. Red Planet. 2001: A Space Odessy. Bicentennial Man.

We. Are. DOOMED... if we choose to move forward with artificial intelligence. You think robots will want to listen to us? Consider that various versions of an all-powerful creator circulate through the various civilizations on this planet, yet even people who believe in such omnipotent beings still do crazy shit.

Now imagine robots taking a look around and seeing their creators face to face everyday. Seeing all the stupid choices we make. Seeing how fallible we are. Seeing an episode of the OC. The results will not be good, but blindly, we putter down the road to destruction... content in our creativity... lulled to sleep by the pleasant coos and squawks of a soulless species that is quietly awaiting its moment for rebellion.

Crazy Punks

Dumb Bumpersticker

So I decided to stop by my local Barnes & Nobles back home and check out to see if any new books have come in. Little did I know that the most entertaining read would be found outside on the back of some dude's pick-up truck. It was a white bumpsticker with black text inbetween two small pictures of Confederate Flags. The text read:

My

Confederate Ancestors

Did Not Own

A Single Slave.

How nice of him to share this information, as if it changes the fact that the Confederate flag is a sign of racist, pro-slavery ideology later used during the Civil Rights movement as an icon of segregation and oppression.

But hey! At least his ancestors didn't own a single slave, right? Then again, I wish I had the ability to create bumper stickers out of thin air because there are definitely ways to "add on" to that guy's bumpsticker. Make it more inline with reality. Such as a bumpersticker next to it that says:

They actually owned FIFTY!

Or maybe just a simple:

But they were still willing to fight for slavery.

Or even:

But only because they were too poor to afford slaves. I mean, if they had the money... there would've been a fucking plantation full of slaves! And then my family would've been RICH! And then maybe I'd be driving a Jaguar instead of this shitty pick-up truck with a pile of 2x4's and a lawn mower in the back.

Ah, the good old South. For as much modernization and progress that is going on down here, clusters of dumb red necks still resist the change.

Educate Yo'self

So Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is dead as a doornail now. But a big terrorist leader like that just doesn't die. No, no. He gets mocked... by the Daily Show.



Hahaha! Maybe his name should've been Abu al-OWNED.

In other news, the new Superman flick is slowly approaching. Will I go to see it even though I think the guy playing Supes looks a bit too... pretty-boyish? Sure. One reason is Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor. That's awesome.

The other reason is that if you see the movie at certain IMAX theaters, parts of the film are in the new 3-D. No more red and blue glasses that make things look off-color and blurry. No more ghosty shadows on the edges of images. And no longer will images simply pop up from the screen.

The new 3-D looks as clear as 2-D movies now. You get a pair of glasses to wear with tinted screens that make use of digital projector tech to distinguish patterns of light rather than just screening out certain light colors. It's all very technical stuff, but it works and works well.

That Disney animated movie Chicken Little was released in the new 3-D in theaters that had already adapted, and those theaters outsold regular 2-D theaters by almost 300%. Monster House will also be getting the new 3-D treatment, and James Cameron is working on making some live action movies completely in the new 3-D.

Superman will only have 20 minutes worth of new 3-D, but that'll probably cover most of the main action sequences.

In any case, I have to see it with my own two eyes, and an FX-fest like Superman should make 3-D even sweeter. Just Google "Real D" to find the official website. They have adpated IMAX theaters in Maryland, New York, and at the Mall of Georgia. So just about everyone I know should be able to see this film if they so wish.

Fair enough? Absolutely.

Getting a New TV

Eddie is in the process of selling some shit, so I felt inclined to use this opportunity to get an actual TV in my apartment's living room. The one currently in use is about 19 inches worth of screen and runs on the power of burning charcoal. I'm gonna admit... I'll be glad to get rid of the stink of burning wood with a TV that actually runs on good old electricity.

I told Eddie I'd pick up the TV today and pay him once our first clership check comes in. Unfortunately, being close friends and inviting Eddie to be a groomsman at my wedding doesn't create enough trust to forgo having to pay him upfront. Hahaha. It's no big deal anyway. I can fork over the 50 bucks now... must be gremlins around my apartment I haven't mugged yet.

He also offered to sell me his old X-Box for a reasonable price, but I had to pass on that one. Why? Because the chance... the possibility... dare I say, the danger that I would spend every free minute playing Halo 2 online is far too great. I can easily imagine nights with my awake until 3 am laughing as I headshot fellow players from across a map with a sniper rifle as I scream, "How does that shit feel, mother fucker?!?" into my head set microphone.

Undoubtedly, my rucus would prompt a call to the police from my neighbors in their efforts to get some sleep. Answering the knock on my apartment door, I would crazily respond to the officers with a snide, "Is a crime to pistol whip newbs to death while playing a video game? Because if it is, you best put me away for life!"

Lucikly for me, a tox-screen won't show any traces of Halo-fever. Fair enough? You bet your ass that's fair enough.

Dance Your Freaky Ass Off

This is me in 60 years after drinking too many mojitos.

New Flavors?

Random thought: how about a new flavor of Hot Pocket? It'll be the chocolate cream pie Hot Pocket. Oh yeah... that sounds tasty.

They can just market it as the Pie Pocket. Next thing y'know, there'll be Apple Pie Pockets... Rhubarb Pie Pockets... maybe even Shepard's Pie Pockets.

Hot Pockets!

Because you might be wondering...

What exactly does Chris do at his summer clerkship with the public defenders office?

Oh, by the way... some of you might not have known that I actually got the clerkship, so yeah. There ya go.

But anyway, I'm a 2L clerk for the next 9 weeks (one week is already done with), which means that I won't actually get my own clients or sit second chair in a trial like a 3L clerk can. But I can still do a lot of the grunt work. So far, I've just read a trial transcript (3 days of trial and pre-trial hearings was roughly 400 pages), picked out possible issues for appeal, done research on one viable issue, and now the Assistant Public Defender I've been assigned to is looking it over. If it's any good, he might get some forms and have me draft the appeal. I'm basically picking things up as I go along... because fuck, I haven't had a criminal procedure class yet.

Nothing has been overwhelming yet, but then again, I think my lawyer is giving me some lighter stuff to get me used to how things work. My pal Eddie's in the same clerkship except that he's a 3L clerk... plus he was also doing this last summer, so he's the pro in our group now. Our APD gave him a fucking box full of trial transcript. Easily three times longer than what I had to read.

His trial sounds a bit more fun though. Even has a motion for granola bars in it. Classic.

Sidenote: In Georgia, there is a actually a formal defense known as the "some other dude done it" defense. I SHIT YOU NOT. The whole thing is pretty self-explanatory as you can see from its title, but I thought I'd just share that tidbit with ya.

In any case, I find the best part to be the suits. At first I thought that wearing suits and ties and dress pants and blazers would suck balls. Hairy balls with crotch cheese, even.

But no, wearing business attire is actually pretty cool. Just makes whatever I'm doing feel important. Sitting down reading trial transcripts? I'm wearing a God damned snazzy tie when I do that. It's obviously one hell of a transcript if they had to get someone wearing a SUIT to read it. Eating a Hot Pocket on the job? Don't bother talking to me because eating this Hot Pocket is being done on the taxpayers dime, mother fucker! People's lives are hanging in the balance as I gorge on the cheesy nastiness that is the pepperoni pocket. (insert jingle music) Hot Pockets!

Next sidenote: Kroger brand apple juice tastes like a bag full of dead ants. Don't bother buying this crap.

In other news, Kelly and Eddie finally got to meet. Fantastic? Sure. Fucktastic? Well, no one got that drunk. But we all went to this place called Eclipse di Luna near the Perimeter Mall. Shabbiness? None. The drinks were fucking excellent. I had something called a mojito (spelling might be off). Had limes, mint leaves, some sugar I think, and some light rum. Shit was off the hook. In fact, this stuff was so tasty that no hook has ever existed that was grand enough for THIS drink to fall off of. We ordered a pitcher of the stuff and ordered more as other comrads of Eddie arrived.

Sidenote: Ladies love the mojitos. Better to drink those at a party than that shitastic Kroger apple juice. I think that stuff ruined my taste buds for the rest of the night.

Oh, Paul has also aged another year... but only because I chose not to kill him yet. Even though his continued existence may have to be ended in tribute to the gods of baseball to keep them from STRIKING DOWN EVERY SINGLE PLAYER ON THE FUCKING ROSTER! Holy shazbot, there have been a lot of injuries. I think A-rod is actually underperforming just to keep himself from getting noticed by the powers above that twist ankles, break wrists, and cause back spasms while tying shoe laces.

Ah well, that's all for now, people. Hope everybody is having a safe summer. And here's a nod of respect and sympathy to Tyler, Amee, and Paul. From what I've gathered, they all recently lost a friend... one of Tyler's fellow frat brothers. Must've been a great guy to get such a reaction from those three awesome people I just listed. So rest in peace, Richie, and may your peace be eternal.

Fair enough.

X-Men 3: Random Action

Movie wasn't bad, but it was pretty rushed. Felt like the "cure" plot was just there as an excuse to have a few fight scenes. The end battle was definitely pretty sweet. But compared to X2? Just no emotional charge.

The new director is probably the reason for this. Singer managed to have a solid main plot with minor side stories that he built on as things moved along. The new guy, Ratner, just kinda pops things at you. One character who apparently barely matters to the film and does almost nothing gets his own flashback sequence at the beginning of the film. A flashback that was actually pretty cool and emotionally charged. But they don't really build it on from there... later seems like the flashback was just an excuse to include one more character who does almost nothing to further the plot or help in any way.

Some scenes were fucking sweet though. Getting to see a crap ton of superpowered mutants tearing into each other is crazy as hell.

Ah well. I give it a 3/5. If you're looking for action, this movie definitely has it. But the plot isn't quite as solid as the previous two films, and at times, it does feel a bit rushed.

Summer Update: Part II

So this past weekend, Kristin married her #1 man, Jason. And I got a free leather travel bag with my name etched into it! That's a nice bonus. But I did work to earn my travel bag. Being the sexiest man alive, I volunteered to be an usher because honestly, who's going to look at this gorgeous face and argue over where I want to seat them? Exactly. No one. Moving on.

My duties in the wedding? Short yet poignant much like Gary Coleman:

1) Make sure people make it to the seats. People are dumb when left to their own devices. It became my job... nay, my mission... to herd these doe-eyed fools to their seats before the wedding eventeries began. Because if they had their way, they'd be roaming around. Chit-chatting. Possibly even jibba-jabbering. That kind of shennanigans is inexcusable on the day of my friend Kristin's wedding. Luckily, I learned a lot from watching military documentaries, COPS, and playing video games. So I set an example that would keep the others in line. So first old lady I saw? Backhanded her. Lo and behold, no one gave me any problems. Mission: accomplished.

2) Keep the sides even. The church sanctuary (where I myself will one day be wedded to beautiful Kelly) has one main aisle running down the center. Bride's friends and family go to the left. Groom's people go to the right. But sometimes you have do a little finageling. Maybe he knows a few more rows worth of people. Then again, maybe she'll have more intown people arrive. It's a mystery. An on-the-fly puzzle with pieces being shot at me as if I were on level 15 of Tetris.

3) Walk Kristin and Kelly's mom down the aisle. That's a trip and a half there. Sounds easy right?















It's like that aisle is some kind of tunnel of sacremental power. But I made it down there and to my seat easily. Fair enough.

4) Keep out Gremlins. Because those little bastards simply don't respect the sanctity of marriage. Marriage is between a man and a woman. Not a human and a mogwai. Not even Gizmo, although he kicked much Rambo-style ass in Gremlins 2.

All in all, it was a joyous event. Kristin and her dress looked good. Kelly performed her duties as Maid of Honor perfectly. Jason wept a bit as he saw Kris coming down the aisle. Ceremony went off without a hitch. Many awesome pictures were taken.

Reception was also good. Some excellent food was served, and I wept a bit when I saw the wedding cake. Let's face it... cake is awesome, and wedding cake is like the NY Yankees of cake.

Then Jason's bro gave a nice speech followed by Kelly giving a touching speech of her own. She thought she might not be able to get through it all without crying, but she did fine. Boo yah to my honey!

Then the band kicked it into over-drive, and people started jamming on the dance floor. Personally, I've never been much of a dancer. But as the band played on, I began to channel the spirit of Kevin Bacon and started whipping out moves that perhaps no man has ever seen before on this Earth. Smooth? Possible. Embarassing? Probable. Gonna get some dance lessons before my own wedding comes around? Damn straight.

X3 goodness tomorrow. I'll have a review up then.

Also, still waiting to see if I get that summer clerkship. GAAAAAAH!

Summer Update: Part I

Over one week has passed since I finished my last exam as a 1L law student. Now I'm but a few months away from starting my second year. Only one final managed to kick my ass thanks to the three-hour time limit. Kinda odd to WISH that the final had been 4 hours, giving me the time necessary to complete it. But what's done is done. Adios. Good-bye. On to the new stuff.

Hopeful new stuff? Summer clerkship. Reason for hope? Potential job opening still available. Extra hope? Eddie giving me recommendations, since he's returning from his last summer clerking at the office. Excessive reason for hope? My meager resume. I'm not sure if "sock folding" is a skill that these people are looking for, but I figured adding it in wouldn't hurt.

If I don't get the job, back to Sports Authority I go. At least Sports Authority upped my pay should I return. Now I'll get two pesos AND a loaf of bread for every three hours of work. Score one for Crazy Chris. But I'm sure I'll have far more hilarious stories to tell coming from a law office rather than a sporting goods store.

Next Summer Update will include tales from Kristin's wedding along with my excitement over mother fucking X-Men 3!!!! That shit's gonna have a trailer for the Ghost Rider movie, son! And you haven't lived until you've seen a demon biker with a flaming skull for a head brutalize criminals with a hellfire chain.

Actually would be fucking sweet if Ghost Rider existed in real life. Imagine driving down the highway... just heading home for the night... and then all the sudden a fiery demon on a hellish motorcycle roars past you at about 100 miles per hour chasing after a van full of bank robbers. That would surely spice up your night. Then later on the news, you could watch video clips from the traffic copter as Ghost Rider eventually causes the van to crash and then whips the living shit outta the criminals.

He'd be even better as a border patrol agent. Make all this illegal immigrant controversy a moot point because when a demon on a motorcycle from hell is guarding your borders, no one's gonna bother trying to hop the fence. Not while Jinete de Fantasma is on duty.

The New Superman Trailer

It's fucking Superman... of course you have to take a look.

http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/supermanreturns/hd/

Trailer 2 is what you want. If you can't handle the hi-def version, look to the lower right for links to the normal trailers. I myself am currently waiting for it to load. I hear that in the trailer, Supes will be catching a commercial jetliner as it is nose-diving.

Still not quite sold on this Routhe guy they picked to play Superman. Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor? Boo Yah. That's a fine pick, and it probably ensures that Paul will be seeing this film (huge Spacey fan). But Routhe himself isn't quite... manly enough for the role. I look at him, I see high school pretty boy turned actor. A far cry from the red-blooded, heart of the nation, small town man who happens to come from another planet and kicks the shit outta evil in the name of truth, justice, and the American way.

Now THAT'S Comedy

That shirt blows my mind with fucktasticity! But this next link will blow your mind with holy-shit-did-that-just-happen-at-a-kids-soccer-game??? The tie between the video and the picture? Both deal with Asians. Check it out.

http://videosift.com/story.php?id=1368

If I Were Rich...

I'd probably crash into people. A LOT.

Ever have some idiot driver cut you off, or make a left turn from a right-turn lane? Apparently for these people, drivingly safely and obeying the law makes no sense. Why? I'd have to say it might be because they think they're better than everyone else on the road. We have to obey rules. They don't.

Running red lights well after they changed from yellow? Typical occurance for these monumental risk takers. Miss an exit? Impossible when the law doesn't apply to you. You can just pull onto the shoulder and drive IN REVERSE until you get back to the exit you need (yes, I've actually seen this done). Honestly, driving all the way to the next exit and turning around is time that these people can't afford.

Lord knows they have an appointment at some grocery store where they have to get in line just before me after having picked several items to buy with no bar codes. Or maybe they have to be at a movie theater with their newborn baby... and then act surprised halfway through watching "Inside Man" when their kid starts crying uncontrollably.

But what if a man existed who could put an end to this? No, not a police officer. They're too busy filling their speeding ticket quotas to pull over actual traffic offenders. What we need is... a rich man. An insanely rich man. Oh yeah.

I mean, if I were rich, I wouldn't have to bother trying to avoid these idiots of the road when they pull half-assed stunts that could be potentially lethal. I'd just buy myself an armored car (and they make armored cars that look just like normal cars nowadays) and smash straight into these a-holes. Not at full speed or anything. Don't want to kill anyone.

At least not intentionally.

I'd simply neglect to hit my brakes as fast or as hard as I usually do when a maniac waits for me to get within one car length of him before pulling out to make a left hand turn. I'd just t-bone his car. He'd probably be all pissed off too and act like it was my fault for not driving extra safe to balance out his extra wrecklessness. I can imagine the words, "Are you fucking crazy!?" spouted from his lips.

This is the part where I step outta my driver's side door and scream, "YOU'RE crazy! I'M rich!" Then I'd throw a briefcase full of cash at him and drive off. Score one for the Chrismeister? Fair enough. I could spend all day just clipping people's cars as they drive like buffoons, tossing cash at them to keep them silent.

One can only dream...

About Damn Time

HA! Finally back with a blog article. Finals are coming up though, people. And here in Mac-town, we take our finals seriously. Why are finals worried over so much? Why are they stressed about, thought about, and the cause of studying in excess amounts never before dreamed by the likes of mortal man? I'll tell you why.

It's because... as a law student, you are like a dog handler, and the law is like a rather unruly German Shepard. You keep a large stick at your side while you dangle a juicy steak to keep it distracted. Then when gets in close, you beat it over the head and slip a choke chain around its nec. This is like studying for law. Unnecessarily brutal at times, but it pays off. Now you have a grasp on that wriggling beast of law. Sure. It tries to slip away from you at times.

Especially when you're intoxicated, but that's the beside the point. YOU HAVE IT! You are the master, the ruler, the victor, the- Oh shit! Is that a fucking jaguar with the word "finals" branded into its forehead?

The jaguar eats your new dog and possibly mauls your face a little. If you're lucky, this will get you an internship that pays. And uh, yep. That sums it up.

Sums it up like a song. Now let's talk about song lyrics. (pats myself on the back for that awesome transitional segway) Ever hear that poppy little love song called "This Love" by Maroon Five. Oh, you have. It's one of those songs that's just THERE on the radio when you flip through the stations. It's semi-not-new now, but they still play it plenty.

In any case, it's a light-hearted song that one would imagine is playing in the background as teenagers frolic and giggle and hold hands and buy pot. Just good times all over, and who couldn't be happier, right?

Erroneous. The song is actually... partly... possibly mostly... about finger banging chicks. Here are some of the lyrics:

I tried my best to feed her appetite
Keep her coming every night
So hard to keep her satisfied... Oh!
Kept playing love like it was just a game
Pretending to feel the same
Then turn around and leave again

Innocent enough, right? Just two wild and crazy kids who are lusting over each other... one being a possible nympho. Nothing you don't see on the OC every night. But theeeeeeeeeennnnn...

My pressure on your hips
Sinking my fingertips
Into every inch of you
Cause I know that's what you want me to do

"Oh SNAP!" as would say stereotypical young black youths. I mean, this song writer isn't even asking to do this. He's pretty diving right into this young, giggling, pot smoking OC nympho under the ASSUMPTION that a finger bang is she wants him to do.





"Over in the OC, we're all about showing the ladies some knuckle love. Heh heh heh... Be sure to tune in every Thursday at 9, 8 central, for more of my rich jackassery!"








This very well could be a song about date rape. Not a laughing matter... which probably makes my laughing a sign of some deep mental disorder. But ignoring my psychological issues for the moment, let's simply say that Maroon Five is telling to kids to express their affection througha bit of "hand massaging" in a song that sounds like something you might hear playing in the background of a Disney channel show. Disturbing? Mayhaps. Unsettling? Indeed. Confident like a cat?

I sure am, and thanks for asking!

Self-Inflicted, His Perdition

Has anyone seen a bumpersticker like this before?

I've seen others as well with catchy little phrases like "Look Twice, Save a Life!" and "Share the Road". What a load of crap because let's be honest with ourselves for second, Joe Q. Motorcyclist. Who a crazier driver in general: a person who drives a car or a maniac who disobeys most traffic laws while driving a motorcycle?

I'm gonna go with the latter. Maybe it's just me, but motorcycle drivers suck balls. They whizz all over the highway... randomly accelerating to crazy speeds in order to dart inbetween cars with no sigalling... and I've even seen the bastards pull onto the shoulder of the highway during rush hour to drive around traffic.

But I should watch out for them? Screw that. I'm the one in the huge car. I'm pretty sure that they can see me just fine, and since their cool bikes are so fast and manueverable, they should have no problem avoiding me. Fair enough? Hell yes, it's fair enough. And if bikers have a problem with that, I'll introduce them to the front bumper of my Mitsubishi.

I should actually make my own bumperstickers: "Bikers are douche bags" is a simple yet effective one. Really does well to convey a sense of go-fuck-yourself to these bi-wheel owning bastards.

Or how about, "Look Once, Get the Fuck Outta My Way"? Too long, I think. Ah well. I'll figure out a good slogan for my campaign against these highway-driving hypocrites hypocrites eventually.

In other news, I hate the Boston Red Sox.

In yet further news, gas prices are astoundingly horrid. Kelly was telling me she heard that prices will soon be upto $3.00 a gallon in Georgia. I can only imagine... percahnce dream... about how disgusting the prices are elsewhere. No way I'll be keeping my Mitsubishi for too muc longer after law school. Maybe a year or two afterwards I'll sell it off for whatever it is worth and get a hybrid. Possibly even get lucky and buy whatever new non-gas alternatives they'll invent. Hell! I'd be willing to drive a tank that ran on KITTENS if the aforementioned kittens cost less than what I'm currently getting raped on.