Friday, March 23, 2007
Weird Moments in the History of Batman
Everyone jokes about Batman being a weirdo for hanging out with a scantily clad teenage boy... and well, they're right.
Monday, March 19, 2007
The Power of Wii?
The new Nintendo Wii certainly has more appeal than I once thought. What has changed my perspective? Altered my thoughts? Reforged my higher level cerebral functions in the fires of newness?
I'd have to say it's the fact that my mom got a Wii. I mean, my mom's never played on a video game console since the days of Atari. I think the last time she touched a game was when Pac-Man originally came out in arcades.
But only two weeks ago, she came to love a next-gen video game system. My uncle apparently got a Wii for his birthday, and while my mom was visiting them during a trip to NY, he got her to play a few games of Wii bowling and tennis and stuff.
She loved the thing so much, she came back and got one for herself. That's just mind boggling. I've even seen those Wii commercials where the parents enjoy playing the games as much as the kids and thought, "Whatever, Nintendo. Your Wii controller is certainly innovative, but that's not going to draw in parents who have never been big into video games before."
WRONG. How wrong I was.
So hats off to ya, Nintendo! Your Wii has truly worked a miracle this spring.
I'd have to say it's the fact that my mom got a Wii. I mean, my mom's never played on a video game console since the days of Atari. I think the last time she touched a game was when Pac-Man originally came out in arcades.
But only two weeks ago, she came to love a next-gen video game system. My uncle apparently got a Wii for his birthday, and while my mom was visiting them during a trip to NY, he got her to play a few games of Wii bowling and tennis and stuff.
She loved the thing so much, she came back and got one for herself. That's just mind boggling. I've even seen those Wii commercials where the parents enjoy playing the games as much as the kids and thought, "Whatever, Nintendo. Your Wii controller is certainly innovative, but that's not going to draw in parents who have never been big into video games before."
WRONG. How wrong I was.
So hats off to ya, Nintendo! Your Wii has truly worked a miracle this spring.
Monday, March 12, 2007
King Buckenitus of the 300 Bucktans!
HO. LEE. SHIT.
The movie 300 overloaded my mind with asskickery! I went to check this film, based on the Greek and Persian Wars, yesterday at the Mall of Georgia with Kelly, Paul, and Oddi. Even before the film, our group nearly ended up throwing down upon discovering that the movie theater charged $6.00 for fucking NACHOS. Shit, you can get nachos the size of your HEAD at Taco Bell for 4 bucks.
The movie 300 overloaded my mind with asskickery! I went to check this film, based on the Greek and Persian Wars, yesterday at the Mall of Georgia with Kelly, Paul, and Oddi. Even before the film, our group nearly ended up throwing down upon discovering that the movie theater charged $6.00 for fucking NACHOS. Shit, you can get nachos the size of your HEAD at Taco Bell for 4 bucks.
"SPARTANS! Tonight... we dine... AT THE BELL!"
The movie itself? Glorious. Best movie with no plot I've ever seen. To be fair, there was some plot: kill as many Persians as possible in the next two hours. And damn... every Persian back then must've been filled with 60... possibly 90 gallons of blood. Blood, legs, and eyes were flying everywhere. It was like watching Dr. Frankenstein trying to build a million monsters in REVERSE.
"You are 0.03 seconds away from watching three arabs burst like blood-filled water balloons."
Absolutely beautiful film to watch though. The cinematography was spectacular, the fight scenes were massive, and the overuse of slo-mo allowed you to absorb in each and every detail.
At times, the slow motion use exceeded reason, left behind logic, defied various laws of physics, and most certainly broke one of the Ten Commandments. Y'know... the one about over-doing stuff. Everyone I was with agreed that the movie would've been about an hour long if everything happened at normal speed. Hardcore battle. Fifteen-foot jumps. Steamy Greek sex. Walking. The director did all of this in slo-mo. AND I FUCKING LOVED IT!
Afterwards, we all went and conquered Moe's... you heard me right! We conquered Moe's Southwest Grill. As the movie stated, we live in a new age of freedom. No way was Paul, Oddi, Kelly, and myself going to let a buncha tyrannical Persian money-hording thieves make us pay tribute to some God-King called "Joey Bag of Donuts" just to eat a burrito.
The battle was fierce, and we gave no Moe's server quarter. I yelled "Sparta" for about the whole thing while Oddi chest-kicked people into the deep fryers. At one point, Paul fought off a pack of ninjas coming in from a nearby dry cleaners. By the end of the fight, night had fallen, and the most ginormous full moon floated through the sky.
Then me and Kell went home and made love for like 10 to 15 hours in slo-mo (1 hour in realtime) while wolves howled outside.
At some point, a goat played the flute in a harem. Some crazy shit certainly happened that day... all thanks to the glory, the power, and the glorious power of 300.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Thunder and Lightning
Whew, baby. Chris is feeling a bit thunderstruck. Why so? Because he has returned to an empty apartment. It is a sad consequence of Kelly getting a steady job. Hell, this means I may even have to start cooking dinner again. Not to say that I'm not a decent cook. I mean, I make edible things... and no one to my knowledge has died from eating food prepared by me. So in my lay opinion, I have a pretty successful cooking record.
No dice. The Devil exists as a being of temptations. Surely, the Devil's cat would have to be a very sweet-natured creature. Snarling little beasty kitties wouldn't tempt anyone to do anything.
3) Italian Food Is the Best Food: If a mad spirit or elf forced me to choose one style of food to eat for the rest of eternity, I would go with Italian food without batting an eye lash. Not even one single lash would be batted because the decision would be instanteous. My decision would almost snap the laws of causality in half... it would be as if I made the decision before the elf-spirit presented the choices.
Chinese food would be a close second. But not real Chinese food... I'm talking the bastardized American version of Chinese food that tastes better than what actual Chinese people eat in China. Fish and rice, my fat Italian ass.
4) Red Heads Are Hot: Look at my wife. Nuff said.
5) Give It Another Second: This concept solves most problems that are important to me.
Waitress taking too long? Give it another second.
Does the food I'm cooking look done? Eh... give it another second.
When is my dog gonna stop humping your kid's leg? Give it another second.
When am I gonna put my pen down and hand in my final? Give it another fucking second, professor!
The wonders of the phrase never cease. Unfortunately, my reliance upon the phrase killed my shot at becoming a doctor.
"His bloodpressure's dropping! We need a crash cart!"
"Give it a second?"
Didn't quite cut it there.
6) Genetically Engineered Miniature Unicorns Are Badass: I think about this everyday, and everyday, I get one step closer to making mini-unicorns a reality.
7) The Grass Is Typically Greener on My Side: And I therefore live contently on a day-to-day basis. Now you might think this would live to a stagnant lifestyle. No, no, good sirs and madames. Keeping the grass green requires a lot of maintenance. Hell, sometimes you have jump onto someone else's grass and steal shit. Not "shit" as in literal fertilizer, but I am happily surprised by how well the analogy works.
8) Be a Good Friend: This one can be tricky for me, since many friends live a good distance way or have busy schedules. Hell, I have a busy schedule. But when I can do something for a friend, I try to do it.
Something that goes along with this rule? Never fuck over a friend. If you don't like someone, part ways. But never fuck over someone you've called a friend. That's very low class.
9) Love Conquers Everything... Except for Gas: Getting hugged will actually not help with a gassy colon. Nor can physical love be made when gas is a-brewing (possibly from some of my chili). You've gotta know your limits, Love. Chris knows them, and knowing is half the battle.
10) Go Yankees: Amen.
Chili? You bet your ass I can make some beefy, delicious chili. Spaghetti? I can doctor up the Ragu to make it taste like a homemade sauce, and I toss in some cooked groundbeef as well. That's practically a way of cooking for me: Gotta beef it up.
Hell, as soon as I can figure out how to encorporate ground beef with lettuce, I'll be whipping out salads left and right. Hmmmm... I wonder what other "ways of Chris" manipulate my daily actions...
1) Every Cat Is a "Good Kitty": This is an undeniable law of logic, nature, and possibly Buddhism. Until proven otherwise (by a preponderance of the evidence), all cats are presumed to be "good kitties" as far as I'm fucking concerned. And when your concern fucks, you know that's some serious concern.
2) Every Dog Is a Smelly, Destructive Beast: Until proven beyond a reasonable doubt (and my doubts are typically super-reasonable), all canines are presumed to be "mangy mutts". The only exception to this that I can conceive of... an exception that nears the borders of imagination... is if God had a dog. I guess THEN I would have to say that ONE dog has a prima facie case for being a "good doggy".
Now some might say, "What if the Devil had a cat then!? Wouldn't you think that cat is an evil bastard?"
Show your love to Devil Cat... he's one good kitty.
No dice. The Devil exists as a being of temptations. Surely, the Devil's cat would have to be a very sweet-natured creature. Snarling little beasty kitties wouldn't tempt anyone to do anything.
3) Italian Food Is the Best Food: If a mad spirit or elf forced me to choose one style of food to eat for the rest of eternity, I would go with Italian food without batting an eye lash. Not even one single lash would be batted because the decision would be instanteous. My decision would almost snap the laws of causality in half... it would be as if I made the decision before the elf-spirit presented the choices.
Chinese food would be a close second. But not real Chinese food... I'm talking the bastardized American version of Chinese food that tastes better than what actual Chinese people eat in China. Fish and rice, my fat Italian ass.
4) Red Heads Are Hot: Look at my wife. Nuff said.
5) Give It Another Second: This concept solves most problems that are important to me.
Waitress taking too long? Give it another second.
Does the food I'm cooking look done? Eh... give it another second.
When is my dog gonna stop humping your kid's leg? Give it another second.
When am I gonna put my pen down and hand in my final? Give it another fucking second, professor!
The wonders of the phrase never cease. Unfortunately, my reliance upon the phrase killed my shot at becoming a doctor.
"His bloodpressure's dropping! We need a crash cart!"
"Give it a second?"
Didn't quite cut it there.
6) Genetically Engineered Miniature Unicorns Are Badass: I think about this everyday, and everyday, I get one step closer to making mini-unicorns a reality.
7) The Grass Is Typically Greener on My Side: And I therefore live contently on a day-to-day basis. Now you might think this would live to a stagnant lifestyle. No, no, good sirs and madames. Keeping the grass green requires a lot of maintenance. Hell, sometimes you have jump onto someone else's grass and steal shit. Not "shit" as in literal fertilizer, but I am happily surprised by how well the analogy works.
8) Be a Good Friend: This one can be tricky for me, since many friends live a good distance way or have busy schedules. Hell, I have a busy schedule. But when I can do something for a friend, I try to do it.
Something that goes along with this rule? Never fuck over a friend. If you don't like someone, part ways. But never fuck over someone you've called a friend. That's very low class.
9) Love Conquers Everything... Except for Gas: Getting hugged will actually not help with a gassy colon. Nor can physical love be made when gas is a-brewing (possibly from some of my chili). You've gotta know your limits, Love. Chris knows them, and knowing is half the battle.
10) Go Yankees: Amen.
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