ge-AWD!

I am so fucking pissed at my mouse right now. Damn thing is breaking down on me, but it's a new buy. Just picked it up last month.

"Haha," I thought self-assuredly as I threw away the box the mouse came in. "No need to keep the package of what will most likely last me for years!"

I could run a cheese grater over my shins, I am so pissed! Speaking of cheese, grated provolone works wonders with any simple pasta dish. Really. You should try it. Just buy a fresh block and grate to your heart's content.

To my heart's content? That would be trying out a church and hearing the minister talk about the TV show Man vs. Wild. Yeah, me and Kell checked out a local church in Macon. The congregation was a good deal smaller than what we were used to.

For instance, back in Marietta, Kelly's church had just over 2700 members. The church we checked out down here had just under 210. And by the way, at least 150 of them must be over the age of... expiration. I dunno. There were just lots of old folks!

And they could all tell we were new. What tipped them off? Probably the fact that they didn't already know us by first name. Fortunately, we arrived with only a few minutes to spare before the service got revved up. That way, I'd have a good excuse for cutting awkward introduction conversations short: "Can we chat later? Because uhh... I can't hear you over the Word of God."

One cool thing about the service is that they have a "sharing of peace" thing like the Catholics. So I got to shake a few hands. I even got to shake an asian lady's hand, which was totally badass. No, not because I've never seen an asian before. I know April, and April is quite asian.

No, no. It's because in Macon, the only asians I ever see are on billboards for massage parlors. I'm as fuckin' serious as the Oscars are long and boring. There are billboards and signs and ads for at least a dozen massage parlors in Macon, and almost all of them are asian themed. One of them is even "trucker friendly".





You trucky, we sucky.







Yet you never see asians ANYWHERE, which has led me to the conclusion that Macon's entire asian population lives and works in those whore houses.

...


Maybe I shouldn't be so excited about shaking that lady's hand after all.

Free to Face the Life That's Ahead of Me

Lyrics from "Come Sail Away" by Styx as the topic title? Good times. Something that brings times less than good? Illness.

Just last Tuesday, I became infected with what I can only assume was a rare strain of Black Plague. I only became really sick on Thursday though. Actually had a fever and everything. At times like that, it's a good thing to be married and have my lady living with me. Kelly managed to nurse me back to health through the power of Day-time and Night-time Tylenol.

So now on Saturday, I am truly free from disease and ready to face the life that is ahead of me. Unfortunately, that life involves doing my taxes. Gah! And then I have to apply for loans for next year. Double gah! And after that? Law school work. Triple feh, goo, gah!

Paperwork out the wazoo.

Ah well. The woman who cured my ails is now beckonning for me to get off my ass and head outside. Now that I'm in good health, it's time to get out of this apartment for somnething other than grocery shopping and law school.

A Very Good Thing

So married life goes on, and all is well. I quite enjoy having someone around to keep me from going batshit insane. Kelly has at least reduced me to apeshit insanity. Fucktastic.

And speaking of Kelly, she has finally changed her last name and now must bear the burden... the curse... of having to hear countless scores of people pronouncing her last name incorrectly. But such is life. And life is such.

I'm gonna tickle the crap outta her later though. She had cold hands... NAY! They were hands cast in ice, and with them, she sought to draw all of the heat from my body. So now retaliation must come swift and sure. I think Sun Tzu wrote about this in that book of his. What didn't he write about? GREMLINS. Good old Tzu probably feared them, but I'll never bow to their sock stealing ways.

This weekend? Going home with Kell to visit my folks. Load up on food? We surely will. Clean the sheets that won't fit into our tiny washer? We surely must. Go see the new Ghost Rider movie? You bet your ass, we will.

What shouln't you bet your ass on? Herpes. That's a losing bet everytime, kids. Play it safe.