Buckets in Toyland

You're probably thinking to yourself, "If only one of the hundreds of media outlets would compose some kind of... list that told me which items would be hot buys for the Christmas season... then I might be able to give up my will and submit to the horsewhip of consumerism!"

Well, your old pal Chris has his horsewhip firmly in hand, and with it, he plans to lead you to the waters of consumer goods and hold your head under until you are forced to drink. Big smiles everyone! Here we go:

XB-39 Eagleye Digital Camera R/C Airplane

Ever want to run a reconnaissance mission in Iran, but never had the time or money? Ever feel the need to piss off your neighbors, but you just couldn't figure out the perfect way how?

For $129.00, you can soar around your neighborhood by remote control, snapping pictures of just about anything and everything.

Homeland Security will have nothing on you when it comes to invasion of privacy! Send this bad boy upto 1,000 feet in the air, swoop around, take aerial pictures, and then land safely so that you can upload all 29 pictures to your home computer.

The perfect gift for peeping toms and nazi architectural committee community board members! Paint it jet black for an extra touch of stealthiness, as it soars into backyards everywhere with its 55-inch wingspan.

BrightFeet Lighted Slippers

Tired of beams of light that come from above the floor? Like to pretend that you're an armless crime scene investigator? Boston Ideas, LLC has come up with a solution to all your problems and an answer to all your desires!

For $40, the BrightFeet will light your way to happiness... if you define happiness as being twin beams of soft light eminating from your toes. And they're so practical, too!

The amazing innovations only light up when you stand on them AND only when it is dark. So don't bother reaching for a light switch! Don't turn on that lamp! Throw away all your night lights! BrightFeet shines a path... to success.

One of the colors selections available is Army Camo, for the rugged hunter suffering from cold toes and a fear of ankle-level darkness.

P Phone Mobile Handset

Sometimes talking on a cellphone while driving doesn't feel challenging enough. The geniuses at Propeller Modern therefore have delivered unto us... a corded handset that plugs into your cellphone.

...

Damn. I can't even continue this "I'm the advertisement writer guy" bit for this doo-dad. This thing is just plain retarded. Who the fuck wants to walk around with this thing? Lord knows it can't fit into many purses. It's definitely not going into my pocket. And it'd give a semblance of insanity to have it dangling from your belt.

As I type this, the description that I'm reading says "cast from vintage telephones". Hahahaha, holy shit do I feel old. "Vintage"? As if they had to go to a museum and make a plaster mold of these ancient objects to bring them forth to modern man. Indeed, few alive have laid eyes upon these mysteries of the past! Maybe if this manufacturer had looked into the past, it would have realized that people started ditching corded phones because they sucked compared to CORDLESS AND WIRELESS phones.

In fact, I think that a synonymous term for cellphone would be "mobile phone". Mobile. Not bound. Not restricted. Not limited in range... by a cord. My guess is that everyone at Propeller will be looking for a new job come February. That's my market prediction, as the fat cats of economics would say. Gah. That last one sickens me with the overly sweet flavor of stupidity. Tastes like Koolaid where the maker used too much mix and not enough water.

Ah well, here's a short sum-up of other insane or crappy gifts coming out:

Motorized Ice Cream Cone: Solid plastic cone with a top that rotates, so that you don't have to physically turn the cone yourself to lick the ice cream. Whoever gave that thing a patent needs to be shot.

Foot Flusher: It's a pedal for your toilet. No shit.

Cruzin Cooler: Unbelievable. Comes in gas (30 mile range) and electric (10 mile range). The $350 price tag disturbs me. I'm disturbed even more by the fact that the man's dog sits in the back cooler. Is it really that hot outside, or is Spot part of some sick pet-eating picnic? "Cruzin Cooler combines two basic necessities of life, the ability to have cold food or a beverage handy along with the means to get somewhere, without walking."

Sure. Sitting on a mini-fridge and driving at 10 miles per hour are life necessities. Jefferson just forgot to squeeze those in between "life" and "liberty" when he drafted the Constitution. And let's not kid ourselves... that's no all-terrain vehicle right there. Outside of a sidewalk or driveway, I don't see that cooler taking me anywhere.

Especially not 30 miles of anywhere.