Johari Meets Bucket

http://kevan.org/johari?name=ChrisJV

That is the link to my Johari page. Basically, I picked out 5 or 6 traits about myself. Now people who know me can go on their, pick 5 or 6 traits they associate with me, and then we can all look to see how skewed my self-image is. Hahaha. Fucktastic? Maybe. Worth the two seconds it takes to pick your answers? Easily.

In law school news, my Health Care Law professor spit out a nifty little quote in class today:

The Golden Rule: those that make the rules get the gold.

Cynical bastard, but he makes a lot of sense. And who can complain with sense... other than John Karr? That guy is fucking creepy. Apparently did not kill JonBenet Ramsey, but if creepiness were a crime, I'd run him through the gas chamber thrice.

Once for the killing. A second time just to make sure all the news media got good pictures of it because how can the American public satiate their blood lust without a good picture. And the third time for good luck (just like a birthday cake, which is ironic because this dude is getting killed).

I was briefly thinking of putting up a picture of Karr, but sweet almighty Odin, I think we've seen it enough. I bet his graduating class in high school all burned their year books. Or at least tore out his page, even if it meant tearing out their picture as well. CREEPY. Creepy as a cat?

No, no. Cats are confident. Far, far from the realm of that which crawls and creeps.

Back in Black

Actually... I'll be wearing a gray polo with horizontal navy stripes, but you get the idea. Or maybe you don't, since I haven't told you what I'm going back to?

Law school, bitches. Summer is 100% over. Don't even have an orientation week holding me back now. This will also mark the first semester in law school where I get to pick some of my classes. Exciting? Quite so. Even more exciting? Getting to register for Intellectul Property... of Gremlins. If a two-foot tall, evil demon with a penchant for water and midnight snacking wants to secure his rights to an Anti-Gizmo gun, I'll know how to help him through the process.

That's all for now, people. And Deepak, if you're checking this post out, Patrick added me on Facebook yesterday. CRAZY and outta left field. Haven't heard from that guy in years. Still, quite awesome.

Bunnies Re-enact Movies

This is pretty fucktastic stuff, if I do say so myself. And trust me, I do say it with no aid.

http://www.angryalien.com/

Short cartoons, only 30 seconds in length, that give you a summary on an entire movie... replayed by bunnies. The Pulp Fiction one and Star Wars are cool. Brokeback Mountain is one of the funniest to watch. Hahaha. Cool site.

And don't forget to watch the Roast of William Shatner on Comedy Central tonight at 10pm! An hour of Shatner jokes can never go wrong. NEVAH!

Airport Security Flaw

OK, so airport security has decided that liquid and semi-solid explosives stand as a great danger to air travel.

Now you can't take make-up, sports drinks, non-prescription medicine, or bottled water along with your carry-on luggage. And if you try to, what happens? Security takes your shit away, and tosses it in a bin like what we see in the picture above.

Is... is that really a smart thing to do? You confiscate a potential explosive off of someone, and then you DUMP it into a bin full of other potential explosives.

Now I'm not a rocket scientist, but maybe dumping volatile explosive liquids onto one another isn't such a great idea. Sure, you'll be saving an airplane from getting blown up, but the trade off is having an entire airport terminal explode. Not exactly what I'd call "sufficient security measures", but what do I know?

A Passing

"I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!'

Gone where? Gone from my sight ... that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'There she goes!' there are other eyes watching her coming and their voices ready to take up the glad shouts 'Here she comes!'"

-Henry Van Dyke, A Parable of Immortality

Spontaneous Idea #3

Let’s say that the legal profession doesn’t work out for me. What would I do as a back-up? What would be my new career path? I have a few ideas I’d like to run by you guys. Tell me what you think:

1) Karate Instructor for Little Kids: I’d only train kids under the age of 11. But I wouldn’t waste time or effort on “drills” or “warming up” or “discipline”. No, no. Instead, I’d just have all the kids get into uniform, form a group at one end of the room opposite from me, and then tell them, “Bring it on.”

Each class will consist of a herd of little tykes trying to bum rush me while I punch, shove, toss, and kick them aside. The only rule, of course, would be no nut-punching. Anyone caught doing those gets body slammed hard. But, man! Just imagine how quick these kids will learn the ways of hand-to-hand combat. Kill or be killed… that could be my school’s motto.

I’d make sure to videotape each session too, and then send that shit into America’s Funniest Home Videos. Surely, that’s money in the bank.

2) Kangaroo Police Force Founder: Hahaha, this is a good one. I’d start up a company of trainers who would condition kangaroos to become law enforcement aids. Think about it: we already have police dogs for sniffing out drugs and hunting down criminals.

But in general, you can’t expect a police dog to do too well in situations like bank robberies, large scale riots, or other hostile situations. This is where Koparoos come in. Certain breeds of kangaroo are quite large, easily hitting 6 feet in height and weighing over 200 pounds. They’re also decently speedy animals when in a hop-sprint, and as some may have seen in online videos or pictures, kangaroos have a terrific natural instinct to fight. They can lash out with their huge legs or even punch you in the face with lightning quick jabs. Not to mention, the females come with those awesome pouches for storing random shit.

Now imagine you’re a rioter... probably some dumb hippie calling for the downfall of corporate America or some nutty conservative fanatic getting rowdy at an abortion clinic. The police come in and start telling everyone to break it up and go home, but you and the hundreds of people with you are either high or drunk and ready to fight. Tear gas only manages to get you and the unruly mob to move the riot a bit down the street. Police are getting pelted with rocks and flaming debris.

Next thing you know, someone behind you screams, “KOPAROOS!”

Down the street charging in at 30 miles per hour, you see a pack of kangaroos wearing police hats and wielding beanbag guns. The ‘roos fire off a few rounds into the frontline of your mob and then come crashing in, beating the ever-living piss out of people with their speedy fists and powerful legs.

Would you stick around and keep up your protest? I think not. Like most people, you’d be running your ass home to avoid a kanga-beatdown. SCORE! Governments would be clamoring for Koparoos. Absolutely fucktastic.

3) Super Model: It could happen.

4) Mad TV Comedy Writer: Honestly, could I make the current situation there any worse? Way I see, that sketch comedy show has hit rock bottom. Hiring me could ONLY make things better, even if only in the slightest of ways. I’d just make a skit involving a drunken and naked Mel Gibson defecating in public and screaming anti-Semitic slurs while wearing his Braveheart make-up. The ratings would shoot through the roof! Fair enough? I think so.

Bathroom Update

Update on the Bathroom Hole: Everything has finally been patched up. The crew still needs to slap a fresh coat of paint over the repairs, but at least now, I don’t have to worry about anything crawling onto me when I’m answering nature’s call.

Now here’s a thought… why do people say “nature is calling” when they have to go to the bathroom? If I was nature, I sure wouldn’t want someone to piss or crap on me. Lord knows I wouldn’t be calling people over to do it!

Mother Nature: “Hey! Yo! HEY THERE!”

Random Person: “Huh? Oh, it’s just you, Mother Nature. How’s it going?”

Mother Nature: “Pretty good, pretty good… I’m worried that North Korea or Israel might start a nuclear war and fuck up my hair, but I’m doing well.”

Random Person: “Wow, that’s great. Anyway, I have to go take my seat now-“

Mother Nature: “Oh.”

Random Person: “because the movie’s about to begin. You seem disappointed.”

Mother Nature: “No, no… I was just looking forward to spending time with you. But if a movie is more important than the planet you live on…”

Random Person: “It’s not that, but I just paid for these tickets… my date is waiting in there… previews are gonna start…”

Mother Nature: “Pee on me.”

Random Person: “the movie stars Brad Pi- WHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAA?!?”

Mother Nature: “C’moooooon! You know you want to. And man, do I need some hot pee-“

Random Person: “Nature.”

Mother Nature: “and I need that steamy yellow goodness-“

Random Person: “Nature!”

Mother Nature: “like Democrats need a presidential candidate people give a shit about.”

Random Person: “NATURE!”

Mother Nature: “…”

Random Person: “That’s enough! That is… I mean, that is gross to be honest with you. I do NOT want to pee on you.”

Mother Nature: “I’m up for some poop if you-“

Random Person: “NO! No poop, no pee, or anything else! Honestly, this is pretty offensive. I’m not even hungry for this King-sized bag of M&M’s anymore. So thank you. Thank you for ruining my movie-going experience. You and your ‘call’ are so fucking annoying!”

Mother Nature: “Hey now! I’m Mother fucking Nature! How dare you speak to me like that. Without me, you and civilization are worth nothing.”

Random Person: “Well, that-“

Mother Nature: “NOTHING! Less than nothing! You gets your trees for paper, houses, and furniture from ME. You mine metals for your skyscrapers, cars, aircraft, boats, and weapons from ME. The minerals used to create plastics? Me. The air you breathe? Me. The water you drink? Me. It’s all me, all the time! Fuckin’ prime time! So when I ask for some mother fuckin’ pee, the only thing I should here from yo monkey ass is, ‘How much pee, Mother Nature?’ YOU GOT THAT!?”

Random Person: “…” (puts down M&M’s and sodas) “Damn it.” (unzips pants)

Mother Nature: “That’s right. I hope you miss all the good previews, too.”

Random Person: “I’m never recycling again…”

Headlines

MONKEYS ON A TRAIN

NEW DELHI - In an effort to keep monkeys out of the New Delhi subways, authorities have called in one of the few animals known to scare the creatures — a fierce-looking primate called the langur, the Hindustan Times newspaper reported Wednesday.

I had the personal pleasure of interviewing the langur during his lunch break. We sat down for a cup of tea, and the critter spoke his mind.

"Business is splendid," the wrangler of monkeys said in a soft tone as he took out his monocle and sipped from his tea. "With this recent simian influx, I find demand for my services to be rather high. My one wish is to find a competent assistant who can-"

The langur cut his talk off with me at this point as he began shrieking at his waitress and flinging shit at nearby patrons. A local merchant had this to say about the situation:

"We have subways in India? By Vishnu, this is wonderful news!"

-- Original Story from Yahoo

BUSHAMANIA RUNS WILD

In a late breaking story coming from the WHWF (White House Wrestling Federation), President Bush challenged Sam "Ballbuster" Donaldson to a steel cage match this summer on PPV.

Bush, the reigning political champion and former holder of the "hardcore" title, was in the midst of laying a verbal smackdown upon his competition when veteran Donaldson chimed in with, "Mr President, should Mel Gibson be forgiven... FOR VOTING FOR YOUR SORRY ASS!?"

Amidst a rash of "ohhhh's" from the crowd, Bush smirked and shouted back, "Is that Sam Donaldson? Forget it. You're a has-been! I don't have to answer has-been's questions, brother!"

Bush then tore his shirt off and flexed his arms, which he proclaims to be his WMD's. Bush continued on with, "You like running your mouth, brother? Well, maybe you'd like to back those words up with your fists next week on live television... in a steel cage match! Whatcha gonna do when Bush-a-mania runs wild on YOU?"

As the frenzied crowds departed with chants of "USA! USA!", Donaldson stood alone in the conference room with this reporter. Asked if he would accept the challenge, Donaldson nodded his head and said, "If ya wanna be the man... ya gotta beat the man. WOOOOOOOO!"
-- Original Story from Drudgereport.

Office Space + Justice League = Sweetness

Nothing ultra hilarious, but this is definitely pretty good stuff. I mean, I personally think it's funny. So give into conformity and think it's funny, too. Conform, damn it! CONFORM!

Random Rant on Alcoholism

RANT: People go into treatment for alcohol addiction, and when they finish, the treatment folks tell them they can NEVER drink again because the alcoholism never goes away.

Is that really "treatment"?

Treatment to me would be that you learn to control your drinking. Not that you have to give up drinking. That seems pretty fucking crazy. And since I've yet to see a concrete study showing that people are genetically predisposed to alcoholism (which also makes no sense to me) then the problem should just be mental. Which means with treatment, you should be able to control how much you can drink.

Honestly, I think the current treatment strategies are unrealistic. "Why?" you say. Because drinking alcohol occurs at almost every adult gathering humanity has to offer. Christmas. New Years. St. Patty's. Valentine's Day. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Retirement parties. Award ceremonies. Super Bowl Sunday. Almost every major sporting championship. Birth of a child. Etc. Etc. There's always alcohol. If you've drank it before, it's ridiculous to say, "Well, guess I can never ever do that again because I can't control myself."

Bullcrap! Of course you can control yourself. The treatment is just garbage to say otherwise.

If you get into a major accident and the government sends you to driver's ed, does the instructor tell everyone to just stop driving? If you have panic attacks when in the presence of large crowds, does your therapist tell you to never go out in public again? I mean, CHRIST! If you were a sex addict, no one in their right mind would ever say, "Never have sex again." They'd just try and help you get your addiction under control.

So are people only strong enough to beat certain mental disorders but not others? Is there just a point where mental health specialist say, "Nah, people are too weak to recover from this. Just tell them to avoid it forever"? Is that it?

I think not. I'm more inclined to believe that a "booze is bad" perspective remains in society from the old Puritan and Progressive ideologies from the late 19th and early 20th century. A string of bullcrap that still manages to seep its way into modern society... even in the "scientific" community. Thus, people facing an addiction to alcohol don't receive aid to control their drinking. They are simply told to end the behavior/habit of drinking altogether. A little bit retarded? Surely. Fair enough? Doubtful. Will I drink to that? You betcha.