Thunder and Lightning

Whew, baby. Chris is feeling a bit thunderstruck. Why so? Because he has returned to an empty apartment. It is a sad consequence of Kelly getting a steady job. Hell, this means I may even have to start cooking dinner again. Not to say that I'm not a decent cook. I mean, I make edible things... and no one to my knowledge has died from eating food prepared by me. So in my lay opinion, I have a pretty successful cooking record.

Chili? You bet your ass I can make some beefy, delicious chili. Spaghetti? I can doctor up the Ragu to make it taste like a homemade sauce, and I toss in some cooked groundbeef as well. That's practically a way of cooking for me: Gotta beef it up.

Hell, as soon as I can figure out how to encorporate ground beef with lettuce, I'll be whipping out salads left and right. Hmmmm... I wonder what other "ways of Chris" manipulate my daily actions...

1) Every Cat Is a "Good Kitty": This is an undeniable law of logic, nature, and possibly Buddhism. Until proven otherwise (by a preponderance of the evidence), all cats are presumed to be "good kitties" as far as I'm fucking concerned. And when your concern fucks, you know that's some serious concern.

2) Every Dog Is a Smelly, Destructive Beast: Until proven beyond a reasonable doubt (and my doubts are typically super-reasonable), all canines are presumed to be "mangy mutts". The only exception to this that I can conceive of... an exception that nears the borders of imagination... is if God had a dog. I guess THEN I would have to say that ONE dog has a prima facie case for being a "good doggy".

Now some might say, "What if the Devil had a cat then!? Wouldn't you think that cat is an evil bastard?"

Show your love to Devil Cat... he's one good kitty.

No dice. The Devil exists as a being of temptations. Surely, the Devil's cat would have to be a very sweet-natured creature. Snarling little beasty kitties wouldn't tempt anyone to do anything.

3) Italian Food Is the Best Food: If a mad spirit or elf forced me to choose one style of food to eat for the rest of eternity, I would go with Italian food without batting an eye lash. Not even one single lash would be batted because the decision would be instanteous. My decision would almost snap the laws of causality in half... it would be as if I made the decision before the elf-spirit presented the choices.

Chinese food would be a close second. But not real Chinese food... I'm talking the bastardized American version of Chinese food that tastes better than what actual Chinese people eat in China. Fish and rice, my fat Italian ass.

4) Red Heads Are Hot: Look at my wife. Nuff said.

5) Give It Another Second: This concept solves most problems that are important to me.

Waitress taking too long? Give it another second.
Does the food I'm cooking look done? Eh... give it another second.
When is my dog gonna stop humping your kid's leg? Give it another second.
When am I gonna put my pen down and hand in my final? Give it another fucking second, professor!

The wonders of the phrase never cease. Unfortunately, my reliance upon the phrase killed my shot at becoming a doctor.

"His bloodpressure's dropping! We need a crash cart!"
"Give it a second?"


Didn't quite cut it there.


6) Genetically Engineered Miniature Unicorns Are Badass: I think about this everyday, and everyday, I get one step closer to making mini-unicorns a reality.


7) The Grass Is Typically Greener on My Side: And I therefore live contently on a day-to-day basis. Now you might think this would live to a stagnant lifestyle. No, no, good sirs and madames. Keeping the grass green requires a lot of maintenance. Hell, sometimes you have jump onto someone else's grass and steal shit. Not "shit" as in literal fertilizer, but I am happily surprised by how well the analogy works.


8) Be a Good Friend: This one can be tricky for me, since many friends live a good distance way or have busy schedules. Hell, I have a busy schedule. But when I can do something for a friend, I try to do it.


Something that goes along with this rule? Never fuck over a friend. If you don't like someone, part ways. But never fuck over someone you've called a friend. That's very low class.


9) Love Conquers Everything... Except for Gas: Getting hugged will actually not help with a gassy colon. Nor can physical love be made when gas is a-brewing (possibly from some of my chili). You've gotta know your limits, Love. Chris knows them, and knowing is half the battle.


10) Go Yankees: Amen.