Dumb Bumpersticker

So I decided to stop by my local Barnes & Nobles back home and check out to see if any new books have come in. Little did I know that the most entertaining read would be found outside on the back of some dude's pick-up truck. It was a white bumpsticker with black text inbetween two small pictures of Confederate Flags. The text read:

My

Confederate Ancestors

Did Not Own

A Single Slave.

How nice of him to share this information, as if it changes the fact that the Confederate flag is a sign of racist, pro-slavery ideology later used during the Civil Rights movement as an icon of segregation and oppression.

But hey! At least his ancestors didn't own a single slave, right? Then again, I wish I had the ability to create bumper stickers out of thin air because there are definitely ways to "add on" to that guy's bumpsticker. Make it more inline with reality. Such as a bumpersticker next to it that says:

They actually owned FIFTY!

Or maybe just a simple:

But they were still willing to fight for slavery.

Or even:

But only because they were too poor to afford slaves. I mean, if they had the money... there would've been a fucking plantation full of slaves! And then my family would've been RICH! And then maybe I'd be driving a Jaguar instead of this shitty pick-up truck with a pile of 2x4's and a lawn mower in the back.

Ah, the good old South. For as much modernization and progress that is going on down here, clusters of dumb red necks still resist the change.

Educate Yo'self

So Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is dead as a doornail now. But a big terrorist leader like that just doesn't die. No, no. He gets mocked... by the Daily Show.



Hahaha! Maybe his name should've been Abu al-OWNED.

In other news, the new Superman flick is slowly approaching. Will I go to see it even though I think the guy playing Supes looks a bit too... pretty-boyish? Sure. One reason is Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor. That's awesome.

The other reason is that if you see the movie at certain IMAX theaters, parts of the film are in the new 3-D. No more red and blue glasses that make things look off-color and blurry. No more ghosty shadows on the edges of images. And no longer will images simply pop up from the screen.

The new 3-D looks as clear as 2-D movies now. You get a pair of glasses to wear with tinted screens that make use of digital projector tech to distinguish patterns of light rather than just screening out certain light colors. It's all very technical stuff, but it works and works well.

That Disney animated movie Chicken Little was released in the new 3-D in theaters that had already adapted, and those theaters outsold regular 2-D theaters by almost 300%. Monster House will also be getting the new 3-D treatment, and James Cameron is working on making some live action movies completely in the new 3-D.

Superman will only have 20 minutes worth of new 3-D, but that'll probably cover most of the main action sequences.

In any case, I have to see it with my own two eyes, and an FX-fest like Superman should make 3-D even sweeter. Just Google "Real D" to find the official website. They have adpated IMAX theaters in Maryland, New York, and at the Mall of Georgia. So just about everyone I know should be able to see this film if they so wish.

Fair enough? Absolutely.

Getting a New TV

Eddie is in the process of selling some shit, so I felt inclined to use this opportunity to get an actual TV in my apartment's living room. The one currently in use is about 19 inches worth of screen and runs on the power of burning charcoal. I'm gonna admit... I'll be glad to get rid of the stink of burning wood with a TV that actually runs on good old electricity.

I told Eddie I'd pick up the TV today and pay him once our first clership check comes in. Unfortunately, being close friends and inviting Eddie to be a groomsman at my wedding doesn't create enough trust to forgo having to pay him upfront. Hahaha. It's no big deal anyway. I can fork over the 50 bucks now... must be gremlins around my apartment I haven't mugged yet.

He also offered to sell me his old X-Box for a reasonable price, but I had to pass on that one. Why? Because the chance... the possibility... dare I say, the danger that I would spend every free minute playing Halo 2 online is far too great. I can easily imagine nights with my awake until 3 am laughing as I headshot fellow players from across a map with a sniper rifle as I scream, "How does that shit feel, mother fucker?!?" into my head set microphone.

Undoubtedly, my rucus would prompt a call to the police from my neighbors in their efforts to get some sleep. Answering the knock on my apartment door, I would crazily respond to the officers with a snide, "Is a crime to pistol whip newbs to death while playing a video game? Because if it is, you best put me away for life!"

Lucikly for me, a tox-screen won't show any traces of Halo-fever. Fair enough? You bet your ass that's fair enough.

Dance Your Freaky Ass Off

This is me in 60 years after drinking too many mojitos.

New Flavors?

Random thought: how about a new flavor of Hot Pocket? It'll be the chocolate cream pie Hot Pocket. Oh yeah... that sounds tasty.

They can just market it as the Pie Pocket. Next thing y'know, there'll be Apple Pie Pockets... Rhubarb Pie Pockets... maybe even Shepard's Pie Pockets.

Hot Pockets!

Because you might be wondering...

What exactly does Chris do at his summer clerkship with the public defenders office?

Oh, by the way... some of you might not have known that I actually got the clerkship, so yeah. There ya go.

But anyway, I'm a 2L clerk for the next 9 weeks (one week is already done with), which means that I won't actually get my own clients or sit second chair in a trial like a 3L clerk can. But I can still do a lot of the grunt work. So far, I've just read a trial transcript (3 days of trial and pre-trial hearings was roughly 400 pages), picked out possible issues for appeal, done research on one viable issue, and now the Assistant Public Defender I've been assigned to is looking it over. If it's any good, he might get some forms and have me draft the appeal. I'm basically picking things up as I go along... because fuck, I haven't had a criminal procedure class yet.

Nothing has been overwhelming yet, but then again, I think my lawyer is giving me some lighter stuff to get me used to how things work. My pal Eddie's in the same clerkship except that he's a 3L clerk... plus he was also doing this last summer, so he's the pro in our group now. Our APD gave him a fucking box full of trial transcript. Easily three times longer than what I had to read.

His trial sounds a bit more fun though. Even has a motion for granola bars in it. Classic.

Sidenote: In Georgia, there is a actually a formal defense known as the "some other dude done it" defense. I SHIT YOU NOT. The whole thing is pretty self-explanatory as you can see from its title, but I thought I'd just share that tidbit with ya.

In any case, I find the best part to be the suits. At first I thought that wearing suits and ties and dress pants and blazers would suck balls. Hairy balls with crotch cheese, even.

But no, wearing business attire is actually pretty cool. Just makes whatever I'm doing feel important. Sitting down reading trial transcripts? I'm wearing a God damned snazzy tie when I do that. It's obviously one hell of a transcript if they had to get someone wearing a SUIT to read it. Eating a Hot Pocket on the job? Don't bother talking to me because eating this Hot Pocket is being done on the taxpayers dime, mother fucker! People's lives are hanging in the balance as I gorge on the cheesy nastiness that is the pepperoni pocket. (insert jingle music) Hot Pockets!

Next sidenote: Kroger brand apple juice tastes like a bag full of dead ants. Don't bother buying this crap.

In other news, Kelly and Eddie finally got to meet. Fantastic? Sure. Fucktastic? Well, no one got that drunk. But we all went to this place called Eclipse di Luna near the Perimeter Mall. Shabbiness? None. The drinks were fucking excellent. I had something called a mojito (spelling might be off). Had limes, mint leaves, some sugar I think, and some light rum. Shit was off the hook. In fact, this stuff was so tasty that no hook has ever existed that was grand enough for THIS drink to fall off of. We ordered a pitcher of the stuff and ordered more as other comrads of Eddie arrived.

Sidenote: Ladies love the mojitos. Better to drink those at a party than that shitastic Kroger apple juice. I think that stuff ruined my taste buds for the rest of the night.

Oh, Paul has also aged another year... but only because I chose not to kill him yet. Even though his continued existence may have to be ended in tribute to the gods of baseball to keep them from STRIKING DOWN EVERY SINGLE PLAYER ON THE FUCKING ROSTER! Holy shazbot, there have been a lot of injuries. I think A-rod is actually underperforming just to keep himself from getting noticed by the powers above that twist ankles, break wrists, and cause back spasms while tying shoe laces.

Ah well, that's all for now, people. Hope everybody is having a safe summer. And here's a nod of respect and sympathy to Tyler, Amee, and Paul. From what I've gathered, they all recently lost a friend... one of Tyler's fellow frat brothers. Must've been a great guy to get such a reaction from those three awesome people I just listed. So rest in peace, Richie, and may your peace be eternal.

Fair enough.

X-Men 3: Random Action

Movie wasn't bad, but it was pretty rushed. Felt like the "cure" plot was just there as an excuse to have a few fight scenes. The end battle was definitely pretty sweet. But compared to X2? Just no emotional charge.

The new director is probably the reason for this. Singer managed to have a solid main plot with minor side stories that he built on as things moved along. The new guy, Ratner, just kinda pops things at you. One character who apparently barely matters to the film and does almost nothing gets his own flashback sequence at the beginning of the film. A flashback that was actually pretty cool and emotionally charged. But they don't really build it on from there... later seems like the flashback was just an excuse to include one more character who does almost nothing to further the plot or help in any way.

Some scenes were fucking sweet though. Getting to see a crap ton of superpowered mutants tearing into each other is crazy as hell.

Ah well. I give it a 3/5. If you're looking for action, this movie definitely has it. But the plot isn't quite as solid as the previous two films, and at times, it does feel a bit rushed.

Summer Update: Part II

So this past weekend, Kristin married her #1 man, Jason. And I got a free leather travel bag with my name etched into it! That's a nice bonus. But I did work to earn my travel bag. Being the sexiest man alive, I volunteered to be an usher because honestly, who's going to look at this gorgeous face and argue over where I want to seat them? Exactly. No one. Moving on.

My duties in the wedding? Short yet poignant much like Gary Coleman:

1) Make sure people make it to the seats. People are dumb when left to their own devices. It became my job... nay, my mission... to herd these doe-eyed fools to their seats before the wedding eventeries began. Because if they had their way, they'd be roaming around. Chit-chatting. Possibly even jibba-jabbering. That kind of shennanigans is inexcusable on the day of my friend Kristin's wedding. Luckily, I learned a lot from watching military documentaries, COPS, and playing video games. So I set an example that would keep the others in line. So first old lady I saw? Backhanded her. Lo and behold, no one gave me any problems. Mission: accomplished.

2) Keep the sides even. The church sanctuary (where I myself will one day be wedded to beautiful Kelly) has one main aisle running down the center. Bride's friends and family go to the left. Groom's people go to the right. But sometimes you have do a little finageling. Maybe he knows a few more rows worth of people. Then again, maybe she'll have more intown people arrive. It's a mystery. An on-the-fly puzzle with pieces being shot at me as if I were on level 15 of Tetris.

3) Walk Kristin and Kelly's mom down the aisle. That's a trip and a half there. Sounds easy right?















It's like that aisle is some kind of tunnel of sacremental power. But I made it down there and to my seat easily. Fair enough.

4) Keep out Gremlins. Because those little bastards simply don't respect the sanctity of marriage. Marriage is between a man and a woman. Not a human and a mogwai. Not even Gizmo, although he kicked much Rambo-style ass in Gremlins 2.

All in all, it was a joyous event. Kristin and her dress looked good. Kelly performed her duties as Maid of Honor perfectly. Jason wept a bit as he saw Kris coming down the aisle. Ceremony went off without a hitch. Many awesome pictures were taken.

Reception was also good. Some excellent food was served, and I wept a bit when I saw the wedding cake. Let's face it... cake is awesome, and wedding cake is like the NY Yankees of cake.

Then Jason's bro gave a nice speech followed by Kelly giving a touching speech of her own. She thought she might not be able to get through it all without crying, but she did fine. Boo yah to my honey!

Then the band kicked it into over-drive, and people started jamming on the dance floor. Personally, I've never been much of a dancer. But as the band played on, I began to channel the spirit of Kevin Bacon and started whipping out moves that perhaps no man has ever seen before on this Earth. Smooth? Possible. Embarassing? Probable. Gonna get some dance lessons before my own wedding comes around? Damn straight.

X3 goodness tomorrow. I'll have a review up then.

Also, still waiting to see if I get that summer clerkship. GAAAAAAH!

Summer Update: Part I

Over one week has passed since I finished my last exam as a 1L law student. Now I'm but a few months away from starting my second year. Only one final managed to kick my ass thanks to the three-hour time limit. Kinda odd to WISH that the final had been 4 hours, giving me the time necessary to complete it. But what's done is done. Adios. Good-bye. On to the new stuff.

Hopeful new stuff? Summer clerkship. Reason for hope? Potential job opening still available. Extra hope? Eddie giving me recommendations, since he's returning from his last summer clerking at the office. Excessive reason for hope? My meager resume. I'm not sure if "sock folding" is a skill that these people are looking for, but I figured adding it in wouldn't hurt.

If I don't get the job, back to Sports Authority I go. At least Sports Authority upped my pay should I return. Now I'll get two pesos AND a loaf of bread for every three hours of work. Score one for Crazy Chris. But I'm sure I'll have far more hilarious stories to tell coming from a law office rather than a sporting goods store.

Next Summer Update will include tales from Kristin's wedding along with my excitement over mother fucking X-Men 3!!!! That shit's gonna have a trailer for the Ghost Rider movie, son! And you haven't lived until you've seen a demon biker with a flaming skull for a head brutalize criminals with a hellfire chain.

Actually would be fucking sweet if Ghost Rider existed in real life. Imagine driving down the highway... just heading home for the night... and then all the sudden a fiery demon on a hellish motorcycle roars past you at about 100 miles per hour chasing after a van full of bank robbers. That would surely spice up your night. Then later on the news, you could watch video clips from the traffic copter as Ghost Rider eventually causes the van to crash and then whips the living shit outta the criminals.

He'd be even better as a border patrol agent. Make all this illegal immigrant controversy a moot point because when a demon on a motorcycle from hell is guarding your borders, no one's gonna bother trying to hop the fence. Not while Jinete de Fantasma is on duty.

The New Superman Trailer

It's fucking Superman... of course you have to take a look.

http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/supermanreturns/hd/

Trailer 2 is what you want. If you can't handle the hi-def version, look to the lower right for links to the normal trailers. I myself am currently waiting for it to load. I hear that in the trailer, Supes will be catching a commercial jetliner as it is nose-diving.

Still not quite sold on this Routhe guy they picked to play Superman. Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor? Boo Yah. That's a fine pick, and it probably ensures that Paul will be seeing this film (huge Spacey fan). But Routhe himself isn't quite... manly enough for the role. I look at him, I see high school pretty boy turned actor. A far cry from the red-blooded, heart of the nation, small town man who happens to come from another planet and kicks the shit outta evil in the name of truth, justice, and the American way.