New Planet = Whining

So scientists have discovered that far beyond Pluto lies another planet, which they are temporarily calling 2003 UB313. Which by the way, that's pretty funny shit. Just imagine if people met someone new, but failed to catch their name. "Shit, I didn't ask her what her name was! Guess for now I'll just refer to her as 6591 ICb00bs."

But this new planet (even larger than Pluto) is pretty big discovery. Because who knows what the hell is out there, just at the edge of our own solar system. Are there tons of these planets? Could there be even bigger ones? Earth-sized one maybe? Are there possibly new elements on these outer planets that didn't form on the inner ones? You'd think these and other queries would be on the minds of people when they hear the news of another world.

Instead, we hear this: "How am I supposed to remember all of these planets without the My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pies thing? They'll think of a new one, right?"

This is all that most people have to say, and typically, I respond by punching them in the throat. If I feel extra righteous, I then stomp on them while their down... but the righteousness must be flowing like a river down a mountain of justice.

Because seriously, people. In the grand scheme of things, our solar system is like a spec of dust in the cosmic Bissell vacuum cleaner that is this universe. It's our tiny, little home. You should KNOW where your home is!

What if some aliens abduct you tomorrow and fly off to their galaxy. Maybe it turns out these aliens are cool dudes. You get to talking, you have a couple of drinks, one thing leads to another... and next thing you know, you're rolling over in your sleep cube (aliens don't use beds... at least not for humping) to the sight of Glork's nineteen reproductive flaps and the smell of Captain Morgan's spiced rum (aliens do love to drink the Captain... especially for humping).

Well, the alien is still asleep, so like any tragic one night stand, you decide to get the hell outta there before the other person wakes up. So you sneak out and find a taxi. The driver is saying shit you can't understand in some garbled language, but that's not really any different from Earth. You tell him to take you home, but he then asks you, "Where's that at?"

If you tell him, "My Very Educated Mother," he will probably slap you and laugh. No, your ass NEEDS to know the address for your universal home. You gotta figure "Earth" is the street name... the "Milky Way" is your state... and the "Sun" is gonna be your city... and "between Mars and Venus" can be your zip. But if this guy hasn't been down that way, you need to be able to give him some vague directions. If you fuck up and say, "I'm on the fifth planet from the Sun," then I hope your ass enjoys gas giants and red hurricanes because he's dropping you off at Jupiter.

Mercury. Venus. Earth (obviously). Mars. Jupiter. Saturn. Uranus. Neptune. Pluto.

It's easy enough. And if they tack one more on, then with time, it shouldn't be hard to memorize.