King Buckenitus of the 300 Bucktans!

HO. LEE. SHIT.

The movie 300 overloaded my mind with asskickery! I went to check this film, based on the Greek and Persian Wars, yesterday at the Mall of Georgia with Kelly, Paul, and Oddi. Even before the film, our group nearly ended up throwing down upon discovering that the movie theater charged $6.00 for fucking NACHOS. Shit, you can get nachos the size of your HEAD at Taco Bell for 4 bucks.

"SPARTANS! Tonight... we dine... AT THE BELL!"

The movie itself? Glorious. Best movie with no plot I've ever seen. To be fair, there was some plot: kill as many Persians as possible in the next two hours. And damn... every Persian back then must've been filled with 60... possibly 90 gallons of blood. Blood, legs, and eyes were flying everywhere. It was like watching Dr. Frankenstein trying to build a million monsters in REVERSE.

"You are 0.03 seconds away from watching three arabs burst like blood-filled water balloons."

The movie overflowed with so much over-the-top man action, or "maction" as I call it, that every woman not on birth control left that movie theater pregnant. Hell, I saw some people leave halfway through the movie with children in tow! They should feel lucky though. Apparently, only Spartan-impregnated women give birth to real men.

Absolutely beautiful film to watch though. The cinematography was spectacular, the fight scenes were massive, and the overuse of slo-mo allowed you to absorb in each and every detail.

At times, the slow motion use exceeded reason, left behind logic, defied various laws of physics, and most certainly broke one of the Ten Commandments. Y'know... the one about over-doing stuff. Everyone I was with agreed that the movie would've been about an hour long if everything happened at normal speed. Hardcore battle. Fifteen-foot jumps. Steamy Greek sex. Walking. The director did all of this in slo-mo. AND I FUCKING LOVED IT!

Afterwards, we all went and conquered Moe's... you heard me right! We conquered Moe's Southwest Grill. As the movie stated, we live in a new age of freedom. No way was Paul, Oddi, Kelly, and myself going to let a buncha tyrannical Persian money-hording thieves make us pay tribute to some God-King called "Joey Bag of Donuts" just to eat a burrito.

The battle was fierce, and we gave no Moe's server quarter. I yelled "Sparta" for about the whole thing while Oddi chest-kicked people into the deep fryers. At one point, Paul fought off a pack of ninjas coming in from a nearby dry cleaners. By the end of the fight, night had fallen, and the most ginormous full moon floated through the sky.

Then me and Kell went home and made love for like 10 to 15 hours in slo-mo (1 hour in realtime) while wolves howled outside.

At some point, a goat played the flute in a harem. Some crazy shit certainly happened that day... all thanks to the glory, the power, and the glorious power of 300.