Now THAT'S Comedy

That shirt blows my mind with fucktasticity! But this next link will blow your mind with holy-shit-did-that-just-happen-at-a-kids-soccer-game??? The tie between the video and the picture? Both deal with Asians. Check it out.

http://videosift.com/story.php?id=1368

If I Were Rich...

I'd probably crash into people. A LOT.

Ever have some idiot driver cut you off, or make a left turn from a right-turn lane? Apparently for these people, drivingly safely and obeying the law makes no sense. Why? I'd have to say it might be because they think they're better than everyone else on the road. We have to obey rules. They don't.

Running red lights well after they changed from yellow? Typical occurance for these monumental risk takers. Miss an exit? Impossible when the law doesn't apply to you. You can just pull onto the shoulder and drive IN REVERSE until you get back to the exit you need (yes, I've actually seen this done). Honestly, driving all the way to the next exit and turning around is time that these people can't afford.

Lord knows they have an appointment at some grocery store where they have to get in line just before me after having picked several items to buy with no bar codes. Or maybe they have to be at a movie theater with their newborn baby... and then act surprised halfway through watching "Inside Man" when their kid starts crying uncontrollably.

But what if a man existed who could put an end to this? No, not a police officer. They're too busy filling their speeding ticket quotas to pull over actual traffic offenders. What we need is... a rich man. An insanely rich man. Oh yeah.

I mean, if I were rich, I wouldn't have to bother trying to avoid these idiots of the road when they pull half-assed stunts that could be potentially lethal. I'd just buy myself an armored car (and they make armored cars that look just like normal cars nowadays) and smash straight into these a-holes. Not at full speed or anything. Don't want to kill anyone.

At least not intentionally.

I'd simply neglect to hit my brakes as fast or as hard as I usually do when a maniac waits for me to get within one car length of him before pulling out to make a left hand turn. I'd just t-bone his car. He'd probably be all pissed off too and act like it was my fault for not driving extra safe to balance out his extra wrecklessness. I can imagine the words, "Are you fucking crazy!?" spouted from his lips.

This is the part where I step outta my driver's side door and scream, "YOU'RE crazy! I'M rich!" Then I'd throw a briefcase full of cash at him and drive off. Score one for the Chrismeister? Fair enough. I could spend all day just clipping people's cars as they drive like buffoons, tossing cash at them to keep them silent.

One can only dream...

About Damn Time

HA! Finally back with a blog article. Finals are coming up though, people. And here in Mac-town, we take our finals seriously. Why are finals worried over so much? Why are they stressed about, thought about, and the cause of studying in excess amounts never before dreamed by the likes of mortal man? I'll tell you why.

It's because... as a law student, you are like a dog handler, and the law is like a rather unruly German Shepard. You keep a large stick at your side while you dangle a juicy steak to keep it distracted. Then when gets in close, you beat it over the head and slip a choke chain around its nec. This is like studying for law. Unnecessarily brutal at times, but it pays off. Now you have a grasp on that wriggling beast of law. Sure. It tries to slip away from you at times.

Especially when you're intoxicated, but that's the beside the point. YOU HAVE IT! You are the master, the ruler, the victor, the- Oh shit! Is that a fucking jaguar with the word "finals" branded into its forehead?

The jaguar eats your new dog and possibly mauls your face a little. If you're lucky, this will get you an internship that pays. And uh, yep. That sums it up.

Sums it up like a song. Now let's talk about song lyrics. (pats myself on the back for that awesome transitional segway) Ever hear that poppy little love song called "This Love" by Maroon Five. Oh, you have. It's one of those songs that's just THERE on the radio when you flip through the stations. It's semi-not-new now, but they still play it plenty.

In any case, it's a light-hearted song that one would imagine is playing in the background as teenagers frolic and giggle and hold hands and buy pot. Just good times all over, and who couldn't be happier, right?

Erroneous. The song is actually... partly... possibly mostly... about finger banging chicks. Here are some of the lyrics:

I tried my best to feed her appetite
Keep her coming every night
So hard to keep her satisfied... Oh!
Kept playing love like it was just a game
Pretending to feel the same
Then turn around and leave again

Innocent enough, right? Just two wild and crazy kids who are lusting over each other... one being a possible nympho. Nothing you don't see on the OC every night. But theeeeeeeeeennnnn...

My pressure on your hips
Sinking my fingertips
Into every inch of you
Cause I know that's what you want me to do

"Oh SNAP!" as would say stereotypical young black youths. I mean, this song writer isn't even asking to do this. He's pretty diving right into this young, giggling, pot smoking OC nympho under the ASSUMPTION that a finger bang is she wants him to do.





"Over in the OC, we're all about showing the ladies some knuckle love. Heh heh heh... Be sure to tune in every Thursday at 9, 8 central, for more of my rich jackassery!"








This very well could be a song about date rape. Not a laughing matter... which probably makes my laughing a sign of some deep mental disorder. But ignoring my psychological issues for the moment, let's simply say that Maroon Five is telling to kids to express their affection througha bit of "hand massaging" in a song that sounds like something you might hear playing in the background of a Disney channel show. Disturbing? Mayhaps. Unsettling? Indeed. Confident like a cat?

I sure am, and thanks for asking!

Self-Inflicted, His Perdition

Has anyone seen a bumpersticker like this before?

I've seen others as well with catchy little phrases like "Look Twice, Save a Life!" and "Share the Road". What a load of crap because let's be honest with ourselves for second, Joe Q. Motorcyclist. Who a crazier driver in general: a person who drives a car or a maniac who disobeys most traffic laws while driving a motorcycle?

I'm gonna go with the latter. Maybe it's just me, but motorcycle drivers suck balls. They whizz all over the highway... randomly accelerating to crazy speeds in order to dart inbetween cars with no sigalling... and I've even seen the bastards pull onto the shoulder of the highway during rush hour to drive around traffic.

But I should watch out for them? Screw that. I'm the one in the huge car. I'm pretty sure that they can see me just fine, and since their cool bikes are so fast and manueverable, they should have no problem avoiding me. Fair enough? Hell yes, it's fair enough. And if bikers have a problem with that, I'll introduce them to the front bumper of my Mitsubishi.

I should actually make my own bumperstickers: "Bikers are douche bags" is a simple yet effective one. Really does well to convey a sense of go-fuck-yourself to these bi-wheel owning bastards.

Or how about, "Look Once, Get the Fuck Outta My Way"? Too long, I think. Ah well. I'll figure out a good slogan for my campaign against these highway-driving hypocrites hypocrites eventually.

In other news, I hate the Boston Red Sox.

In yet further news, gas prices are astoundingly horrid. Kelly was telling me she heard that prices will soon be upto $3.00 a gallon in Georgia. I can only imagine... percahnce dream... about how disgusting the prices are elsewhere. No way I'll be keeping my Mitsubishi for too muc longer after law school. Maybe a year or two afterwards I'll sell it off for whatever it is worth and get a hybrid. Possibly even get lucky and buy whatever new non-gas alternatives they'll invent. Hell! I'd be willing to drive a tank that ran on KITTENS if the aforementioned kittens cost less than what I'm currently getting raped on.

Operation: Update

Just to let everyone know, won't be many updates for the next couple of days. Got memo writing to do. Have an engagement party to go to. Have me "expert" week in Con Law coming up next week also.

And apparently, a bumble bee was just outside my window trying to burrow into a crack on the outside of the window frame. Sorry, bee, but fuck you. I can't deal with all that buzzing and scratching crap whilest I try to work. So I open the window and doused the area with bug spray. I heard flurry of buzzing before silence, so I'm gonna assume the nerve gas did its job.

Anyway, that's about it, people. If ya got links, send them my way. Other than that, I'll be back in a few days to update. Adios!

Pro-Life? Pro-Choice? Pure Bullcrap!

Thought I'd just point out that people who take opposing sides on the abortion debate often label themselves with bullshit "spin" to make their side... feel better? I sure as hell know it doesn't make them look better because honestly... each side knows what the other side is about. So by labelling yourself as one thing (like pro-choice) and the other side as the opposite (anti-choice, I guess), who the hell are you fooling? Yourself?

The other side sure doesn't give two shits if you call yourself pro-choice, pro-life, anti-baby killing, or pro-fucking over women's rights. Hell, they probably don't even give ONE shit, and that's saying a lot.

The issue is abortion. You're either pro-abortion or anti-abortion. If you were a pro-rodeo, you would probably wear a cowboy hat and ride a bull that just had its testicles tied together in a knot and slapped... but that's irrelevant. The relevant part is that terms like pro-choice and pro-life are not actually answering the issue at hand.

They skip the answer and go straight to the persons reasoning, which is pointless to know... UNLESS YOU KNOW THE ANSWER!!! Cause hell, last time I checked, I didn't like killing people. Guess that means I'm pro-life. B-but... I also like freedom! Maybe I'll rent Passion of the Christ this weekend. Maybe I'll go bowling. It's my choice, bitches! I'm pro-choice!

Hell, I am officially waiting to talk to someone about abortion and ask them where they stand.

Person: Oh, I'm pro-life.

Me: Yeah, I hate war too. So how do you feel about abortion?

Person: Umm, I said I'm pro-life. Don't you know what that means?

Me: Sure. You're against the death penalty. By the way, I didn't apprecaite that rude tone you just gave me. I'd suggest that if you are pro-YOUR-life, you'll watch that attitude. Now... for the last time... are your for or against abortion?

Person: I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous, you asshole! You know wh-

Then the person gets cut off as I tackle them through the nearest window or onto the nearest table. I just hate the spin, folks. If these people are so sure of their convictions, then they should just be able to say where they stand and THEN give me reasons if I want to discuss it with them. Instead, they skip straight to why they're right and the opposition is wrong with an overly braod statement that actually says... NOTHING. Pro-abortion. Anti-abortion. That's all there is to it.

And as a reminder, I'm pro-links. So keep sending me links, mi amigos. Oddi already sent me one to joeandmonkey.com that contains a fairly funny comic strip where a guy interacts with a talking monkey.

Guess that means I'm pro-monkey... or perhaps I'm pro-talking-monkey. Oh yeah.

Drop Your Links in My Bucket

No, the title to this article is NOT a sexual innuendo.

Please look to the right of this webpage. See where it says "About Me"? Look a couple of inches down, and that is my link section. Right now, all I have there is a link to Google that comes standard to this page, and a link to Eddie's blog.

I need more links, bitches. It doesn't even have to be a link to a webpage of yours. You can just send me a link to a page you think is funny, insightful, or just plain cool. Now if you do have a webpage of your own that would be ok to link to, that's cool as well.

Hell, I already know some of you have Facebook and MySpace sites, BUT I'm not going to link to them without your consent. I wouldn't want to link to someone's site and then have them send me a mail bomb because their site is not something they wish to "public" (as in, something that puts a face to the names used in my blog).

Because as you may all have noticed, I never use anyone's full names. Either a first name or a last. Why? Because I respect anonymity. If "anonymity" isn't a word, then I guess that I respect stuff. YOUR stuff.

Yeah... so anyway, send me links.

That's One Big Post

If the last post looks a bit daunting, here's a helpful hint:

Read everything leading upto the devil picture. Then skip ahead and read the last three paragraphs. Not too shabby, if I say so myself.