Oh yeah...

Kelly and me picked up a Wii last week. It's pretty damn cool playing around with the motion sensor remotes. It's apparently so badass, you might be tempted to hump it.

But I'll be damned, it's a truly immersive gameplay experience. Sound comes from the remote as well as the TV, and remotes are so sensitive, that I feel like I'm really bowling when I play the bowling game that came with the Wii. The way I throw the ball in real life was reflected pretty damn accurately in the game, and I used to actually bowl on a league as a kid. So I'm fairly familiar with with how my balls roll.

...

Anyway, it's cool stuff. No doubt if I were a rich man, I'd also get an X-Box 360. Fuck Playstation 3 though. Their over-priced piece of shit isn't selling well, and all the exclusive game titles they used to have have now jumped ship to Nintendo and Microsoft. Oh... and don't try to use clovers to power your Wii. Japanese tech and Irish plants don't mix.

April Buckets Bring... Aw, Fuck It

Watched a program on the Science Channel talking about our Moon. Apparently if the Moon had never formed, life on this planet would've never turned out the way it did. The Moon stablizes the tilt of the planet. As some might remember from high school or college science courses, the tilt of the Earth basically controls our seasons. A shift of one degree in tilt turned once lush jungles of northern Africa into what we today know as the Sahara Desert. Without the Moon, this planet might be wobbling on its axis tens of degrees every couple of years.

Basically, there would be no time for a north or south pole to form as areas of the Earth switch from freezing cold to tropical heat periodically. So our planet would basically be an ocean world, and humans never could've existed.

Crazy shit. But not as batshit crazy as that wife who murdered her preacher husband. I saw part of her cross-examination a few days ago. After she killed her husband by shooting him in the back while he was sleeping (which she claims was an accident), she took her daughters and started driving off. Off to where? She personally didn't know because she was "in a fog" at the time.

But she ended up stopping at a hotel for a night. The prosecutor asked her, "Had you ever stayed at that town before?"

"Oh, no."

"So why did you choose to stop at that particular hotel?"

"They had an in-door swimming pool."

Absolutely sounds like she was "in a fog" that kept her from thinking straight. I mean, everyone knows you pick hotels based on whether they offer a complimentary hot breakfast! You know what I'm talking about... little breakfast buffets with eggs, bacon, and one of those bitchin' waffle machines with a bowl of batter right next to it.

Shit... I might consider killing someone just for the waffle machine. But no one commits pre-meditated murder and then chooses a get-away hotel based on in-door pool. That late at night, the pool might be closed. Even if it was open, who wants to swim THAT late at night anyway. You could ver well find yourself swimming next to some nutjob who just murdered her husb-

Well, you get catch my drift. But hey, at least the murdering wife didn't ace herself right afterwards and was brought to justice unlike that punk ass Virginia Tech shooter.

I am PISSED that the little shit killed himself and basically avoided retribution. And this is another reason why I think the death penalty is generally crap. If putting murderous psychos to death was a good solution, then we should all be thankful that this guy decided to play "Kiss the Glock" and save us tax payers the cost of having to put him down ourselves.

Instead I feel like this guy cheated. Like he took the easy way out to avoid punishment. But Chris has a solution, people. I say that whenever murderers commits suicide right after their heinous act, we make the location of their grave easily accessible public knowledge...

... and then we install a toilet on top of the grave. Oh YES, I did just say that. We make the caskets of those murdering douche bags into mini septic tanks, and that way, people can basically come over to piss and crap on their physical remains forever. Sure, I believe in life after death, and I believe that this guy has a fairly good chance of spending eternity locked away in some hellish prison where demons torture him for his sins. On the other hand, taking a dump on a person who was a piece of shit just sounds right. Now, some may say that my moral compass is a bit "off"...

... still, there has to be some kind of earthly punishment allowable for creeps like the VT shooter. And it doesn't get much more earthly than feces.

Weird Moments in the History of Batman

Everyone jokes about Batman being a weirdo for hanging out with a scantily clad teenage boy... and well, they're right.

The Power of Wii?

The new Nintendo Wii certainly has more appeal than I once thought. What has changed my perspective? Altered my thoughts? Reforged my higher level cerebral functions in the fires of newness?

I'd have to say it's the fact that my mom got a Wii. I mean, my mom's never played on a video game console since the days of Atari. I think the last time she touched a game was when Pac-Man originally came out in arcades.

But only two weeks ago, she came to love a next-gen video game system. My uncle apparently got a Wii for his birthday, and while my mom was visiting them during a trip to NY, he got her to play a few games of Wii bowling and tennis and stuff.

She loved the thing so much, she came back and got one for herself. That's just mind boggling. I've even seen those Wii commercials where the parents enjoy playing the games as much as the kids and thought, "Whatever, Nintendo. Your Wii controller is certainly innovative, but that's not going to draw in parents who have never been big into video games before."

WRONG. How wrong I was.

So hats off to ya, Nintendo! Your Wii has truly worked a miracle this spring.

Haha... more 300.

The following does a great job of showing how over-the-top 300 is:

King Buckenitus of the 300 Bucktans!

HO. LEE. SHIT.

The movie 300 overloaded my mind with asskickery! I went to check this film, based on the Greek and Persian Wars, yesterday at the Mall of Georgia with Kelly, Paul, and Oddi. Even before the film, our group nearly ended up throwing down upon discovering that the movie theater charged $6.00 for fucking NACHOS. Shit, you can get nachos the size of your HEAD at Taco Bell for 4 bucks.

"SPARTANS! Tonight... we dine... AT THE BELL!"

The movie itself? Glorious. Best movie with no plot I've ever seen. To be fair, there was some plot: kill as many Persians as possible in the next two hours. And damn... every Persian back then must've been filled with 60... possibly 90 gallons of blood. Blood, legs, and eyes were flying everywhere. It was like watching Dr. Frankenstein trying to build a million monsters in REVERSE.

"You are 0.03 seconds away from watching three arabs burst like blood-filled water balloons."

The movie overflowed with so much over-the-top man action, or "maction" as I call it, that every woman not on birth control left that movie theater pregnant. Hell, I saw some people leave halfway through the movie with children in tow! They should feel lucky though. Apparently, only Spartan-impregnated women give birth to real men.

Absolutely beautiful film to watch though. The cinematography was spectacular, the fight scenes were massive, and the overuse of slo-mo allowed you to absorb in each and every detail.

At times, the slow motion use exceeded reason, left behind logic, defied various laws of physics, and most certainly broke one of the Ten Commandments. Y'know... the one about over-doing stuff. Everyone I was with agreed that the movie would've been about an hour long if everything happened at normal speed. Hardcore battle. Fifteen-foot jumps. Steamy Greek sex. Walking. The director did all of this in slo-mo. AND I FUCKING LOVED IT!

Afterwards, we all went and conquered Moe's... you heard me right! We conquered Moe's Southwest Grill. As the movie stated, we live in a new age of freedom. No way was Paul, Oddi, Kelly, and myself going to let a buncha tyrannical Persian money-hording thieves make us pay tribute to some God-King called "Joey Bag of Donuts" just to eat a burrito.

The battle was fierce, and we gave no Moe's server quarter. I yelled "Sparta" for about the whole thing while Oddi chest-kicked people into the deep fryers. At one point, Paul fought off a pack of ninjas coming in from a nearby dry cleaners. By the end of the fight, night had fallen, and the most ginormous full moon floated through the sky.

Then me and Kell went home and made love for like 10 to 15 hours in slo-mo (1 hour in realtime) while wolves howled outside.

At some point, a goat played the flute in a harem. Some crazy shit certainly happened that day... all thanks to the glory, the power, and the glorious power of 300.

Thunder and Lightning

Whew, baby. Chris is feeling a bit thunderstruck. Why so? Because he has returned to an empty apartment. It is a sad consequence of Kelly getting a steady job. Hell, this means I may even have to start cooking dinner again. Not to say that I'm not a decent cook. I mean, I make edible things... and no one to my knowledge has died from eating food prepared by me. So in my lay opinion, I have a pretty successful cooking record.

Chili? You bet your ass I can make some beefy, delicious chili. Spaghetti? I can doctor up the Ragu to make it taste like a homemade sauce, and I toss in some cooked groundbeef as well. That's practically a way of cooking for me: Gotta beef it up.

Hell, as soon as I can figure out how to encorporate ground beef with lettuce, I'll be whipping out salads left and right. Hmmmm... I wonder what other "ways of Chris" manipulate my daily actions...

1) Every Cat Is a "Good Kitty": This is an undeniable law of logic, nature, and possibly Buddhism. Until proven otherwise (by a preponderance of the evidence), all cats are presumed to be "good kitties" as far as I'm fucking concerned. And when your concern fucks, you know that's some serious concern.

2) Every Dog Is a Smelly, Destructive Beast: Until proven beyond a reasonable doubt (and my doubts are typically super-reasonable), all canines are presumed to be "mangy mutts". The only exception to this that I can conceive of... an exception that nears the borders of imagination... is if God had a dog. I guess THEN I would have to say that ONE dog has a prima facie case for being a "good doggy".

Now some might say, "What if the Devil had a cat then!? Wouldn't you think that cat is an evil bastard?"

Show your love to Devil Cat... he's one good kitty.

No dice. The Devil exists as a being of temptations. Surely, the Devil's cat would have to be a very sweet-natured creature. Snarling little beasty kitties wouldn't tempt anyone to do anything.

3) Italian Food Is the Best Food: If a mad spirit or elf forced me to choose one style of food to eat for the rest of eternity, I would go with Italian food without batting an eye lash. Not even one single lash would be batted because the decision would be instanteous. My decision would almost snap the laws of causality in half... it would be as if I made the decision before the elf-spirit presented the choices.

Chinese food would be a close second. But not real Chinese food... I'm talking the bastardized American version of Chinese food that tastes better than what actual Chinese people eat in China. Fish and rice, my fat Italian ass.

4) Red Heads Are Hot: Look at my wife. Nuff said.

5) Give It Another Second: This concept solves most problems that are important to me.

Waitress taking too long? Give it another second.
Does the food I'm cooking look done? Eh... give it another second.
When is my dog gonna stop humping your kid's leg? Give it another second.
When am I gonna put my pen down and hand in my final? Give it another fucking second, professor!

The wonders of the phrase never cease. Unfortunately, my reliance upon the phrase killed my shot at becoming a doctor.

"His bloodpressure's dropping! We need a crash cart!"
"Give it a second?"


Didn't quite cut it there.


6) Genetically Engineered Miniature Unicorns Are Badass: I think about this everyday, and everyday, I get one step closer to making mini-unicorns a reality.


7) The Grass Is Typically Greener on My Side: And I therefore live contently on a day-to-day basis. Now you might think this would live to a stagnant lifestyle. No, no, good sirs and madames. Keeping the grass green requires a lot of maintenance. Hell, sometimes you have jump onto someone else's grass and steal shit. Not "shit" as in literal fertilizer, but I am happily surprised by how well the analogy works.


8) Be a Good Friend: This one can be tricky for me, since many friends live a good distance way or have busy schedules. Hell, I have a busy schedule. But when I can do something for a friend, I try to do it.


Something that goes along with this rule? Never fuck over a friend. If you don't like someone, part ways. But never fuck over someone you've called a friend. That's very low class.


9) Love Conquers Everything... Except for Gas: Getting hugged will actually not help with a gassy colon. Nor can physical love be made when gas is a-brewing (possibly from some of my chili). You've gotta know your limits, Love. Chris knows them, and knowing is half the battle.


10) Go Yankees: Amen.

ge-AWD!

I am so fucking pissed at my mouse right now. Damn thing is breaking down on me, but it's a new buy. Just picked it up last month.

"Haha," I thought self-assuredly as I threw away the box the mouse came in. "No need to keep the package of what will most likely last me for years!"

I could run a cheese grater over my shins, I am so pissed! Speaking of cheese, grated provolone works wonders with any simple pasta dish. Really. You should try it. Just buy a fresh block and grate to your heart's content.

To my heart's content? That would be trying out a church and hearing the minister talk about the TV show Man vs. Wild. Yeah, me and Kell checked out a local church in Macon. The congregation was a good deal smaller than what we were used to.

For instance, back in Marietta, Kelly's church had just over 2700 members. The church we checked out down here had just under 210. And by the way, at least 150 of them must be over the age of... expiration. I dunno. There were just lots of old folks!

And they could all tell we were new. What tipped them off? Probably the fact that they didn't already know us by first name. Fortunately, we arrived with only a few minutes to spare before the service got revved up. That way, I'd have a good excuse for cutting awkward introduction conversations short: "Can we chat later? Because uhh... I can't hear you over the Word of God."

One cool thing about the service is that they have a "sharing of peace" thing like the Catholics. So I got to shake a few hands. I even got to shake an asian lady's hand, which was totally badass. No, not because I've never seen an asian before. I know April, and April is quite asian.

No, no. It's because in Macon, the only asians I ever see are on billboards for massage parlors. I'm as fuckin' serious as the Oscars are long and boring. There are billboards and signs and ads for at least a dozen massage parlors in Macon, and almost all of them are asian themed. One of them is even "trucker friendly".





You trucky, we sucky.







Yet you never see asians ANYWHERE, which has led me to the conclusion that Macon's entire asian population lives and works in those whore houses.

...


Maybe I shouldn't be so excited about shaking that lady's hand after all.

Free to Face the Life That's Ahead of Me

Lyrics from "Come Sail Away" by Styx as the topic title? Good times. Something that brings times less than good? Illness.

Just last Tuesday, I became infected with what I can only assume was a rare strain of Black Plague. I only became really sick on Thursday though. Actually had a fever and everything. At times like that, it's a good thing to be married and have my lady living with me. Kelly managed to nurse me back to health through the power of Day-time and Night-time Tylenol.

So now on Saturday, I am truly free from disease and ready to face the life that is ahead of me. Unfortunately, that life involves doing my taxes. Gah! And then I have to apply for loans for next year. Double gah! And after that? Law school work. Triple feh, goo, gah!

Paperwork out the wazoo.

Ah well. The woman who cured my ails is now beckonning for me to get off my ass and head outside. Now that I'm in good health, it's time to get out of this apartment for somnething other than grocery shopping and law school.

A Very Good Thing

So married life goes on, and all is well. I quite enjoy having someone around to keep me from going batshit insane. Kelly has at least reduced me to apeshit insanity. Fucktastic.

And speaking of Kelly, she has finally changed her last name and now must bear the burden... the curse... of having to hear countless scores of people pronouncing her last name incorrectly. But such is life. And life is such.

I'm gonna tickle the crap outta her later though. She had cold hands... NAY! They were hands cast in ice, and with them, she sought to draw all of the heat from my body. So now retaliation must come swift and sure. I think Sun Tzu wrote about this in that book of his. What didn't he write about? GREMLINS. Good old Tzu probably feared them, but I'll never bow to their sock stealing ways.

This weekend? Going home with Kell to visit my folks. Load up on food? We surely will. Clean the sheets that won't fit into our tiny washer? We surely must. Go see the new Ghost Rider movie? You bet your ass, we will.

What shouln't you bet your ass on? Herpes. That's a losing bet everytime, kids. Play it safe.