ge-AWD!

I am so fucking pissed at my mouse right now. Damn thing is breaking down on me, but it's a new buy. Just picked it up last month.

"Haha," I thought self-assuredly as I threw away the box the mouse came in. "No need to keep the package of what will most likely last me for years!"

I could run a cheese grater over my shins, I am so pissed! Speaking of cheese, grated provolone works wonders with any simple pasta dish. Really. You should try it. Just buy a fresh block and grate to your heart's content.

To my heart's content? That would be trying out a church and hearing the minister talk about the TV show Man vs. Wild. Yeah, me and Kell checked out a local church in Macon. The congregation was a good deal smaller than what we were used to.

For instance, back in Marietta, Kelly's church had just over 2700 members. The church we checked out down here had just under 210. And by the way, at least 150 of them must be over the age of... expiration. I dunno. There were just lots of old folks!

And they could all tell we were new. What tipped them off? Probably the fact that they didn't already know us by first name. Fortunately, we arrived with only a few minutes to spare before the service got revved up. That way, I'd have a good excuse for cutting awkward introduction conversations short: "Can we chat later? Because uhh... I can't hear you over the Word of God."

One cool thing about the service is that they have a "sharing of peace" thing like the Catholics. So I got to shake a few hands. I even got to shake an asian lady's hand, which was totally badass. No, not because I've never seen an asian before. I know April, and April is quite asian.

No, no. It's because in Macon, the only asians I ever see are on billboards for massage parlors. I'm as fuckin' serious as the Oscars are long and boring. There are billboards and signs and ads for at least a dozen massage parlors in Macon, and almost all of them are asian themed. One of them is even "trucker friendly".





You trucky, we sucky.







Yet you never see asians ANYWHERE, which has led me to the conclusion that Macon's entire asian population lives and works in those whore houses.

...


Maybe I shouldn't be so excited about shaking that lady's hand after all.

Free to Face the Life That's Ahead of Me

Lyrics from "Come Sail Away" by Styx as the topic title? Good times. Something that brings times less than good? Illness.

Just last Tuesday, I became infected with what I can only assume was a rare strain of Black Plague. I only became really sick on Thursday though. Actually had a fever and everything. At times like that, it's a good thing to be married and have my lady living with me. Kelly managed to nurse me back to health through the power of Day-time and Night-time Tylenol.

So now on Saturday, I am truly free from disease and ready to face the life that is ahead of me. Unfortunately, that life involves doing my taxes. Gah! And then I have to apply for loans for next year. Double gah! And after that? Law school work. Triple feh, goo, gah!

Paperwork out the wazoo.

Ah well. The woman who cured my ails is now beckonning for me to get off my ass and head outside. Now that I'm in good health, it's time to get out of this apartment for somnething other than grocery shopping and law school.

A Very Good Thing

So married life goes on, and all is well. I quite enjoy having someone around to keep me from going batshit insane. Kelly has at least reduced me to apeshit insanity. Fucktastic.

And speaking of Kelly, she has finally changed her last name and now must bear the burden... the curse... of having to hear countless scores of people pronouncing her last name incorrectly. But such is life. And life is such.

I'm gonna tickle the crap outta her later though. She had cold hands... NAY! They were hands cast in ice, and with them, she sought to draw all of the heat from my body. So now retaliation must come swift and sure. I think Sun Tzu wrote about this in that book of his. What didn't he write about? GREMLINS. Good old Tzu probably feared them, but I'll never bow to their sock stealing ways.

This weekend? Going home with Kell to visit my folks. Load up on food? We surely will. Clean the sheets that won't fit into our tiny washer? We surely must. Go see the new Ghost Rider movie? You bet your ass, we will.

What shouln't you bet your ass on? Herpes. That's a losing bet everytime, kids. Play it safe.

When Wedding Bells Ring

So the time has come and passed, and I am finally married. That's still weird to think... or say. "I'm married." "I'm her husband."

Exciting stuff. The wedding itself was one hell of a celebration. Ceremony was beautiful. Kelly was even more beautiful (like a damn princess out of a movie). Having all my closest friends around was awesome. Some guys joke around that weddings feel like the end of a free life, but my wedding had this great vibe or mood to it. It felt like the start of something new and fantastic. And I loved the fact that everyone had a great time at the reception.

Because when crazy Chris gets married, it's time to rock the house with fucking delicious food by the tons and with dancing never before seen by the eyes of man, woman, or child. Not to say I'm any good at dancing, but there were certainly plenty of people who were. For anyone who was as dancing-challenged (danci-capped, as I call it) as me, well, they still came out on the dance floor and had a good time.

The wedding cake was another point of splendor. Tasted great. Looked great. Tasted great. And it also tasted great. The groom's cake with the UGA motif was bad ass, and I loved the way a random "gooooooo dawgs" chant started up.

All in all, good times and lots of laughter.

The honeymoon also did well to keep the marriage roaring ahead at full steam. I will say, the hotel had great views of the ocean and set a very romantic, tropical atmosphere. And since it was all-inclusive, we could have as much booze or snacks out of our mini-fridge as we wanted. Order room service at any time of the day or night? All free. Go to any of their seven restaurants? Free. Take a tour of some Mayan ruins? Not enslaved, but it was emancipated to a level of freedom.


Fun Fact: Iguanas are all over the place if you are (1) near rocks and (2) close to the beach. They seem to run away when approached though.

While me and Kell had a great time, we did come to an agreement that our next vacation would be either inside the US or to an English-speaking country. Now the hotel staff did speak English. Hell, a lot of them spoke it fluently. But some of them spoke it very fast with a heavy accent. I'd sometimes get calls on my room phone from guest services... and to this day I have no clue what they were saying. "Yadda yadda yadda yadda sir yadda yadda room yadda yadda yadda, ok?"

To which I would respond, "Uhhh, sounds good."

Can't blame them though. They're trying to speak a language other than their native tongue. Lord knows that I took about 8 years of French and still sound like a brain-damaged drunk trying to speak it. So hats off to the hotel staff. They did their best and often succeeded.

Fun Fact: Mayans are the Mexicans of Mexico. They leave their poor, rural villages and head to the wealthier cities where they work in construction. After earning enough money, they head back home to spend it with their families.

And was booze ever plentiful. If you're just sitting around without a drink, someone will come and find you and offer you alcohol. Remember... it's all free. I'm no big drinker, but I drank something alcoholic every day I was down there. It's just hard to pass up when there's a bar area every 40 feet.

Also, me and Kell made sure to catch the BCS championship game. We saw most of the first half down in a lounge area and there were a good number of other people watching too. This one guy (and I presume his newly wed wife) had sombreros with "Ohio" written all over them.

When Ohio scored its second (and last) touchdown, he threw down his hat in the middle of the crowded lounge and proceeded to do a Mexican hat dance around the thing. Now THAT is fucking team devotion, especially since 90% of the other people seemed to be rooting for Florida.

Ah well. At least an SEC team won the championship and won convincingly. Even though having that team be Florida is a damned shame that sends a collective shiver down the spines of the Bulldawg Nation members across the globe.

Buckets in Toyland

You're probably thinking to yourself, "If only one of the hundreds of media outlets would compose some kind of... list that told me which items would be hot buys for the Christmas season... then I might be able to give up my will and submit to the horsewhip of consumerism!"

Well, your old pal Chris has his horsewhip firmly in hand, and with it, he plans to lead you to the waters of consumer goods and hold your head under until you are forced to drink. Big smiles everyone! Here we go:

XB-39 Eagleye Digital Camera R/C Airplane

Ever want to run a reconnaissance mission in Iran, but never had the time or money? Ever feel the need to piss off your neighbors, but you just couldn't figure out the perfect way how?

For $129.00, you can soar around your neighborhood by remote control, snapping pictures of just about anything and everything.

Homeland Security will have nothing on you when it comes to invasion of privacy! Send this bad boy upto 1,000 feet in the air, swoop around, take aerial pictures, and then land safely so that you can upload all 29 pictures to your home computer.

The perfect gift for peeping toms and nazi architectural committee community board members! Paint it jet black for an extra touch of stealthiness, as it soars into backyards everywhere with its 55-inch wingspan.

BrightFeet Lighted Slippers

Tired of beams of light that come from above the floor? Like to pretend that you're an armless crime scene investigator? Boston Ideas, LLC has come up with a solution to all your problems and an answer to all your desires!

For $40, the BrightFeet will light your way to happiness... if you define happiness as being twin beams of soft light eminating from your toes. And they're so practical, too!

The amazing innovations only light up when you stand on them AND only when it is dark. So don't bother reaching for a light switch! Don't turn on that lamp! Throw away all your night lights! BrightFeet shines a path... to success.

One of the colors selections available is Army Camo, for the rugged hunter suffering from cold toes and a fear of ankle-level darkness.

P Phone Mobile Handset

Sometimes talking on a cellphone while driving doesn't feel challenging enough. The geniuses at Propeller Modern therefore have delivered unto us... a corded handset that plugs into your cellphone.

...

Damn. I can't even continue this "I'm the advertisement writer guy" bit for this doo-dad. This thing is just plain retarded. Who the fuck wants to walk around with this thing? Lord knows it can't fit into many purses. It's definitely not going into my pocket. And it'd give a semblance of insanity to have it dangling from your belt.

As I type this, the description that I'm reading says "cast from vintage telephones". Hahahaha, holy shit do I feel old. "Vintage"? As if they had to go to a museum and make a plaster mold of these ancient objects to bring them forth to modern man. Indeed, few alive have laid eyes upon these mysteries of the past! Maybe if this manufacturer had looked into the past, it would have realized that people started ditching corded phones because they sucked compared to CORDLESS AND WIRELESS phones.

In fact, I think that a synonymous term for cellphone would be "mobile phone". Mobile. Not bound. Not restricted. Not limited in range... by a cord. My guess is that everyone at Propeller will be looking for a new job come February. That's my market prediction, as the fat cats of economics would say. Gah. That last one sickens me with the overly sweet flavor of stupidity. Tastes like Koolaid where the maker used too much mix and not enough water.

Ah well, here's a short sum-up of other insane or crappy gifts coming out:

Motorized Ice Cream Cone: Solid plastic cone with a top that rotates, so that you don't have to physically turn the cone yourself to lick the ice cream. Whoever gave that thing a patent needs to be shot.

Foot Flusher: It's a pedal for your toilet. No shit.

Cruzin Cooler: Unbelievable. Comes in gas (30 mile range) and electric (10 mile range). The $350 price tag disturbs me. I'm disturbed even more by the fact that the man's dog sits in the back cooler. Is it really that hot outside, or is Spot part of some sick pet-eating picnic? "Cruzin Cooler combines two basic necessities of life, the ability to have cold food or a beverage handy along with the means to get somewhere, without walking."

Sure. Sitting on a mini-fridge and driving at 10 miles per hour are life necessities. Jefferson just forgot to squeeze those in between "life" and "liberty" when he drafted the Constitution. And let's not kid ourselves... that's no all-terrain vehicle right there. Outside of a sidewalk or driveway, I don't see that cooler taking me anywhere.

Especially not 30 miles of anywhere.

Non-Newtonian Fluid

Some extremely odd stuff. Apparently by mixing a substance like borax or cornstarch with water at a certain ratio, you can make a goopy liquid that acts like a solid when it is under high pressure/impact/stress.

It's basically somewhere between silly putty and quicksand.



If I had an empty pool and a shit ton of money to burn, I'd definitely give this a shot.

But I'm too busy studying for finals and finishing outlines for classes. When it's all said and done, I'll be looking forward to Christmas break, which will roll straight into my wedding celebration. More like a "weddebration" or a "fiestamonial event".

Still, finals must be completed before I can fully relax and enjoy thinking about my wedding par-tay. But what do I do when not studying for finals in my computer room? Glad you should ask because there would've been an awkward silence if I had to think up a transition myself, and no one like awkward silences. I mean, if there was being who embodied awkward silence, he would probably hate himself. No joke.

Anyway, when not studying in my computer room, I shall be studying on the excellent new couch Kelly and I bought. Fucking awesomeness. My first couch... a couch that actually belongs to me (and my soon-to-be-wife).

Is it a sign of maturity when you are as excited about getting a couch as you used to be about getting an X-Box or PS2? Or maybe it's a sign of insanity. A tattoo of insanity. A black mark of pirate insanity. But who doesn't love pirates? People love 'em. They loved them when the pirates raomed the oceans and stole from royal merchant ships, and they love being computer pirates nowadays, stealing from the corporate royalty of music and movie.

Really, did the government think they'd discourage copyright infringement by referring to it as "piracy"? They might as well have called it "mad ninja skills".

One of the Worst Criminals Ever

Do they need to stick this guy in prison? Because I think he punished himself enough.

(no audio, but still hilarious)



Seriously, how high did this guy have to be before he thought robbing a closed liquor store IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY would be a good idea? With no mask, even. I would've loved to be the defense attorney who heard this guy's story.

Miss Those Kittens

It has now been several days, and no sign of any of the kittens. One day they were eating delicious turkey that I was feeding them, and the next... vanished.

I highly doubt they all managed to get killed at once. They were smart and wiley kittens and often travelled separate from one another. What I think happened is that the angry black lady living on the floor above me finally called animal control services and got them caught.

Imagine a large frown on my face. Now double that.

Ah well, I hope they get adopted while at the shelter. I still have the gremlins to keep me company though... sock-stealing, light-leaving-on bastards.

And here's a nice pick-up line developped by Paul this weekend: "I want to be the Jim Hensen to your Kermit." Nasty.

Hilarious, but nasty.

A Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Bucket

We've all felt it before.

A doldrum. Restlessness.Tedium. Dispiritedness. Melancholy. Dullness. Numbness.

Boredom. And when is boredom the most striking and painful? When we're alone. It strikes hardest when routines become so bland that we don't even see the point in using them to pass time. It squeezes our minds when that which typically entertains us falls pathetically short. It wrenches our very souls when we sit in solitude wondering, "What the hell am I supposed to do now?"

Boredom can be so intense at times that it almost creates a desire to give into apathy. To just not care. To not even want to avoid the nothingness with sleep. Instead, the boredom feels like a rock tied tightly to your soul and then tosses into a sea of absolute pointlessness.

You want to do something to break that boredom, but your mind gives a million and one reasons why all the possibilities for action can't or shouldn't be used. That's my current status right now. Luckily, I found some action to stimulate the old think engine of mine by describing crippling boredom in my blog.

Good times. Actually, I guess this would count as "bad times", but whatever. I'm blowing this joint tomorrow and heading for glorious old Athens, Georgia. Hang out with friends. Watch some football. Spout obscene language and politically incorrect jokes. Drink beers. THAT is a bonafide boredom basher... no doubt about it.

And so my ploy has worked. My spirits are lifted. Hope re-enters my mind. And overall, I'm feeling pretty good. Hahaha. Nice try, Apathy. But you have to a far more abstract and loathesome emotional state to take down good old Chris. What state is that, you ask?

Iowa. Corn-loving bastards.

What a Wonderful World

The following comes from an actual case out of Ohio written by a municipal court judge in his holding:

The court hereby announces a pearl,

It's sometimes OK to have a squirrel.

The legislature did a statute create,

The Wildlife Division obviously did not equate.

The necessity to be kind, thorough and specific,

The lack of these is legally terrific.

The result is this very short epistle,

The defendent/squirrel is granted a dismissal.

God, I love our country.