Spontaneous Idea #3

Let’s say that the legal profession doesn’t work out for me. What would I do as a back-up? What would be my new career path? I have a few ideas I’d like to run by you guys. Tell me what you think:

1) Karate Instructor for Little Kids: I’d only train kids under the age of 11. But I wouldn’t waste time or effort on “drills” or “warming up” or “discipline”. No, no. Instead, I’d just have all the kids get into uniform, form a group at one end of the room opposite from me, and then tell them, “Bring it on.”

Each class will consist of a herd of little tykes trying to bum rush me while I punch, shove, toss, and kick them aside. The only rule, of course, would be no nut-punching. Anyone caught doing those gets body slammed hard. But, man! Just imagine how quick these kids will learn the ways of hand-to-hand combat. Kill or be killed… that could be my school’s motto.

I’d make sure to videotape each session too, and then send that shit into America’s Funniest Home Videos. Surely, that’s money in the bank.

2) Kangaroo Police Force Founder: Hahaha, this is a good one. I’d start up a company of trainers who would condition kangaroos to become law enforcement aids. Think about it: we already have police dogs for sniffing out drugs and hunting down criminals.

But in general, you can’t expect a police dog to do too well in situations like bank robberies, large scale riots, or other hostile situations. This is where Koparoos come in. Certain breeds of kangaroo are quite large, easily hitting 6 feet in height and weighing over 200 pounds. They’re also decently speedy animals when in a hop-sprint, and as some may have seen in online videos or pictures, kangaroos have a terrific natural instinct to fight. They can lash out with their huge legs or even punch you in the face with lightning quick jabs. Not to mention, the females come with those awesome pouches for storing random shit.

Now imagine you’re a rioter... probably some dumb hippie calling for the downfall of corporate America or some nutty conservative fanatic getting rowdy at an abortion clinic. The police come in and start telling everyone to break it up and go home, but you and the hundreds of people with you are either high or drunk and ready to fight. Tear gas only manages to get you and the unruly mob to move the riot a bit down the street. Police are getting pelted with rocks and flaming debris.

Next thing you know, someone behind you screams, “KOPAROOS!”

Down the street charging in at 30 miles per hour, you see a pack of kangaroos wearing police hats and wielding beanbag guns. The ‘roos fire off a few rounds into the frontline of your mob and then come crashing in, beating the ever-living piss out of people with their speedy fists and powerful legs.

Would you stick around and keep up your protest? I think not. Like most people, you’d be running your ass home to avoid a kanga-beatdown. SCORE! Governments would be clamoring for Koparoos. Absolutely fucktastic.

3) Super Model: It could happen.

4) Mad TV Comedy Writer: Honestly, could I make the current situation there any worse? Way I see, that sketch comedy show has hit rock bottom. Hiring me could ONLY make things better, even if only in the slightest of ways. I’d just make a skit involving a drunken and naked Mel Gibson defecating in public and screaming anti-Semitic slurs while wearing his Braveheart make-up. The ratings would shoot through the roof! Fair enough? I think so.