Headlines

MONKEYS ON A TRAIN

NEW DELHI - In an effort to keep monkeys out of the New Delhi subways, authorities have called in one of the few animals known to scare the creatures — a fierce-looking primate called the langur, the Hindustan Times newspaper reported Wednesday.

I had the personal pleasure of interviewing the langur during his lunch break. We sat down for a cup of tea, and the critter spoke his mind.

"Business is splendid," the wrangler of monkeys said in a soft tone as he took out his monocle and sipped from his tea. "With this recent simian influx, I find demand for my services to be rather high. My one wish is to find a competent assistant who can-"

The langur cut his talk off with me at this point as he began shrieking at his waitress and flinging shit at nearby patrons. A local merchant had this to say about the situation:

"We have subways in India? By Vishnu, this is wonderful news!"

-- Original Story from Yahoo

BUSHAMANIA RUNS WILD

In a late breaking story coming from the WHWF (White House Wrestling Federation), President Bush challenged Sam "Ballbuster" Donaldson to a steel cage match this summer on PPV.

Bush, the reigning political champion and former holder of the "hardcore" title, was in the midst of laying a verbal smackdown upon his competition when veteran Donaldson chimed in with, "Mr President, should Mel Gibson be forgiven... FOR VOTING FOR YOUR SORRY ASS!?"

Amidst a rash of "ohhhh's" from the crowd, Bush smirked and shouted back, "Is that Sam Donaldson? Forget it. You're a has-been! I don't have to answer has-been's questions, brother!"

Bush then tore his shirt off and flexed his arms, which he proclaims to be his WMD's. Bush continued on with, "You like running your mouth, brother? Well, maybe you'd like to back those words up with your fists next week on live television... in a steel cage match! Whatcha gonna do when Bush-a-mania runs wild on YOU?"

As the frenzied crowds departed with chants of "USA! USA!", Donaldson stood alone in the conference room with this reporter. Asked if he would accept the challenge, Donaldson nodded his head and said, "If ya wanna be the man... ya gotta beat the man. WOOOOOOOO!"
-- Original Story from Drudgereport.