Weird Moments in the History of Batman

Everyone jokes about Batman being a weirdo for hanging out with a scantily clad teenage boy... and well, they're right.

The Power of Wii?

The new Nintendo Wii certainly has more appeal than I once thought. What has changed my perspective? Altered my thoughts? Reforged my higher level cerebral functions in the fires of newness?

I'd have to say it's the fact that my mom got a Wii. I mean, my mom's never played on a video game console since the days of Atari. I think the last time she touched a game was when Pac-Man originally came out in arcades.

But only two weeks ago, she came to love a next-gen video game system. My uncle apparently got a Wii for his birthday, and while my mom was visiting them during a trip to NY, he got her to play a few games of Wii bowling and tennis and stuff.

She loved the thing so much, she came back and got one for herself. That's just mind boggling. I've even seen those Wii commercials where the parents enjoy playing the games as much as the kids and thought, "Whatever, Nintendo. Your Wii controller is certainly innovative, but that's not going to draw in parents who have never been big into video games before."

WRONG. How wrong I was.

So hats off to ya, Nintendo! Your Wii has truly worked a miracle this spring.

Haha... more 300.

The following does a great job of showing how over-the-top 300 is:

King Buckenitus of the 300 Bucktans!

HO. LEE. SHIT.

The movie 300 overloaded my mind with asskickery! I went to check this film, based on the Greek and Persian Wars, yesterday at the Mall of Georgia with Kelly, Paul, and Oddi. Even before the film, our group nearly ended up throwing down upon discovering that the movie theater charged $6.00 for fucking NACHOS. Shit, you can get nachos the size of your HEAD at Taco Bell for 4 bucks.

"SPARTANS! Tonight... we dine... AT THE BELL!"

The movie itself? Glorious. Best movie with no plot I've ever seen. To be fair, there was some plot: kill as many Persians as possible in the next two hours. And damn... every Persian back then must've been filled with 60... possibly 90 gallons of blood. Blood, legs, and eyes were flying everywhere. It was like watching Dr. Frankenstein trying to build a million monsters in REVERSE.

"You are 0.03 seconds away from watching three arabs burst like blood-filled water balloons."

The movie overflowed with so much over-the-top man action, or "maction" as I call it, that every woman not on birth control left that movie theater pregnant. Hell, I saw some people leave halfway through the movie with children in tow! They should feel lucky though. Apparently, only Spartan-impregnated women give birth to real men.

Absolutely beautiful film to watch though. The cinematography was spectacular, the fight scenes were massive, and the overuse of slo-mo allowed you to absorb in each and every detail.

At times, the slow motion use exceeded reason, left behind logic, defied various laws of physics, and most certainly broke one of the Ten Commandments. Y'know... the one about over-doing stuff. Everyone I was with agreed that the movie would've been about an hour long if everything happened at normal speed. Hardcore battle. Fifteen-foot jumps. Steamy Greek sex. Walking. The director did all of this in slo-mo. AND I FUCKING LOVED IT!

Afterwards, we all went and conquered Moe's... you heard me right! We conquered Moe's Southwest Grill. As the movie stated, we live in a new age of freedom. No way was Paul, Oddi, Kelly, and myself going to let a buncha tyrannical Persian money-hording thieves make us pay tribute to some God-King called "Joey Bag of Donuts" just to eat a burrito.

The battle was fierce, and we gave no Moe's server quarter. I yelled "Sparta" for about the whole thing while Oddi chest-kicked people into the deep fryers. At one point, Paul fought off a pack of ninjas coming in from a nearby dry cleaners. By the end of the fight, night had fallen, and the most ginormous full moon floated through the sky.

Then me and Kell went home and made love for like 10 to 15 hours in slo-mo (1 hour in realtime) while wolves howled outside.

At some point, a goat played the flute in a harem. Some crazy shit certainly happened that day... all thanks to the glory, the power, and the glorious power of 300.

Thunder and Lightning

Whew, baby. Chris is feeling a bit thunderstruck. Why so? Because he has returned to an empty apartment. It is a sad consequence of Kelly getting a steady job. Hell, this means I may even have to start cooking dinner again. Not to say that I'm not a decent cook. I mean, I make edible things... and no one to my knowledge has died from eating food prepared by me. So in my lay opinion, I have a pretty successful cooking record.

Chili? You bet your ass I can make some beefy, delicious chili. Spaghetti? I can doctor up the Ragu to make it taste like a homemade sauce, and I toss in some cooked groundbeef as well. That's practically a way of cooking for me: Gotta beef it up.

Hell, as soon as I can figure out how to encorporate ground beef with lettuce, I'll be whipping out salads left and right. Hmmmm... I wonder what other "ways of Chris" manipulate my daily actions...

1) Every Cat Is a "Good Kitty": This is an undeniable law of logic, nature, and possibly Buddhism. Until proven otherwise (by a preponderance of the evidence), all cats are presumed to be "good kitties" as far as I'm fucking concerned. And when your concern fucks, you know that's some serious concern.

2) Every Dog Is a Smelly, Destructive Beast: Until proven beyond a reasonable doubt (and my doubts are typically super-reasonable), all canines are presumed to be "mangy mutts". The only exception to this that I can conceive of... an exception that nears the borders of imagination... is if God had a dog. I guess THEN I would have to say that ONE dog has a prima facie case for being a "good doggy".

Now some might say, "What if the Devil had a cat then!? Wouldn't you think that cat is an evil bastard?"

Show your love to Devil Cat... he's one good kitty.

No dice. The Devil exists as a being of temptations. Surely, the Devil's cat would have to be a very sweet-natured creature. Snarling little beasty kitties wouldn't tempt anyone to do anything.

3) Italian Food Is the Best Food: If a mad spirit or elf forced me to choose one style of food to eat for the rest of eternity, I would go with Italian food without batting an eye lash. Not even one single lash would be batted because the decision would be instanteous. My decision would almost snap the laws of causality in half... it would be as if I made the decision before the elf-spirit presented the choices.

Chinese food would be a close second. But not real Chinese food... I'm talking the bastardized American version of Chinese food that tastes better than what actual Chinese people eat in China. Fish and rice, my fat Italian ass.

4) Red Heads Are Hot: Look at my wife. Nuff said.

5) Give It Another Second: This concept solves most problems that are important to me.

Waitress taking too long? Give it another second.
Does the food I'm cooking look done? Eh... give it another second.
When is my dog gonna stop humping your kid's leg? Give it another second.
When am I gonna put my pen down and hand in my final? Give it another fucking second, professor!

The wonders of the phrase never cease. Unfortunately, my reliance upon the phrase killed my shot at becoming a doctor.

"His bloodpressure's dropping! We need a crash cart!"
"Give it a second?"


Didn't quite cut it there.


6) Genetically Engineered Miniature Unicorns Are Badass: I think about this everyday, and everyday, I get one step closer to making mini-unicorns a reality.


7) The Grass Is Typically Greener on My Side: And I therefore live contently on a day-to-day basis. Now you might think this would live to a stagnant lifestyle. No, no, good sirs and madames. Keeping the grass green requires a lot of maintenance. Hell, sometimes you have jump onto someone else's grass and steal shit. Not "shit" as in literal fertilizer, but I am happily surprised by how well the analogy works.


8) Be a Good Friend: This one can be tricky for me, since many friends live a good distance way or have busy schedules. Hell, I have a busy schedule. But when I can do something for a friend, I try to do it.


Something that goes along with this rule? Never fuck over a friend. If you don't like someone, part ways. But never fuck over someone you've called a friend. That's very low class.


9) Love Conquers Everything... Except for Gas: Getting hugged will actually not help with a gassy colon. Nor can physical love be made when gas is a-brewing (possibly from some of my chili). You've gotta know your limits, Love. Chris knows them, and knowing is half the battle.


10) Go Yankees: Amen.

ge-AWD!

I am so fucking pissed at my mouse right now. Damn thing is breaking down on me, but it's a new buy. Just picked it up last month.

"Haha," I thought self-assuredly as I threw away the box the mouse came in. "No need to keep the package of what will most likely last me for years!"

I could run a cheese grater over my shins, I am so pissed! Speaking of cheese, grated provolone works wonders with any simple pasta dish. Really. You should try it. Just buy a fresh block and grate to your heart's content.

To my heart's content? That would be trying out a church and hearing the minister talk about the TV show Man vs. Wild. Yeah, me and Kell checked out a local church in Macon. The congregation was a good deal smaller than what we were used to.

For instance, back in Marietta, Kelly's church had just over 2700 members. The church we checked out down here had just under 210. And by the way, at least 150 of them must be over the age of... expiration. I dunno. There were just lots of old folks!

And they could all tell we were new. What tipped them off? Probably the fact that they didn't already know us by first name. Fortunately, we arrived with only a few minutes to spare before the service got revved up. That way, I'd have a good excuse for cutting awkward introduction conversations short: "Can we chat later? Because uhh... I can't hear you over the Word of God."

One cool thing about the service is that they have a "sharing of peace" thing like the Catholics. So I got to shake a few hands. I even got to shake an asian lady's hand, which was totally badass. No, not because I've never seen an asian before. I know April, and April is quite asian.

No, no. It's because in Macon, the only asians I ever see are on billboards for massage parlors. I'm as fuckin' serious as the Oscars are long and boring. There are billboards and signs and ads for at least a dozen massage parlors in Macon, and almost all of them are asian themed. One of them is even "trucker friendly".





You trucky, we sucky.







Yet you never see asians ANYWHERE, which has led me to the conclusion that Macon's entire asian population lives and works in those whore houses.

...


Maybe I shouldn't be so excited about shaking that lady's hand after all.

Free to Face the Life That's Ahead of Me

Lyrics from "Come Sail Away" by Styx as the topic title? Good times. Something that brings times less than good? Illness.

Just last Tuesday, I became infected with what I can only assume was a rare strain of Black Plague. I only became really sick on Thursday though. Actually had a fever and everything. At times like that, it's a good thing to be married and have my lady living with me. Kelly managed to nurse me back to health through the power of Day-time and Night-time Tylenol.

So now on Saturday, I am truly free from disease and ready to face the life that is ahead of me. Unfortunately, that life involves doing my taxes. Gah! And then I have to apply for loans for next year. Double gah! And after that? Law school work. Triple feh, goo, gah!

Paperwork out the wazoo.

Ah well. The woman who cured my ails is now beckonning for me to get off my ass and head outside. Now that I'm in good health, it's time to get out of this apartment for somnething other than grocery shopping and law school.

A Very Good Thing

So married life goes on, and all is well. I quite enjoy having someone around to keep me from going batshit insane. Kelly has at least reduced me to apeshit insanity. Fucktastic.

And speaking of Kelly, she has finally changed her last name and now must bear the burden... the curse... of having to hear countless scores of people pronouncing her last name incorrectly. But such is life. And life is such.

I'm gonna tickle the crap outta her later though. She had cold hands... NAY! They were hands cast in ice, and with them, she sought to draw all of the heat from my body. So now retaliation must come swift and sure. I think Sun Tzu wrote about this in that book of his. What didn't he write about? GREMLINS. Good old Tzu probably feared them, but I'll never bow to their sock stealing ways.

This weekend? Going home with Kell to visit my folks. Load up on food? We surely will. Clean the sheets that won't fit into our tiny washer? We surely must. Go see the new Ghost Rider movie? You bet your ass, we will.

What shouln't you bet your ass on? Herpes. That's a losing bet everytime, kids. Play it safe.

When Wedding Bells Ring

So the time has come and passed, and I am finally married. That's still weird to think... or say. "I'm married." "I'm her husband."

Exciting stuff. The wedding itself was one hell of a celebration. Ceremony was beautiful. Kelly was even more beautiful (like a damn princess out of a movie). Having all my closest friends around was awesome. Some guys joke around that weddings feel like the end of a free life, but my wedding had this great vibe or mood to it. It felt like the start of something new and fantastic. And I loved the fact that everyone had a great time at the reception.

Because when crazy Chris gets married, it's time to rock the house with fucking delicious food by the tons and with dancing never before seen by the eyes of man, woman, or child. Not to say I'm any good at dancing, but there were certainly plenty of people who were. For anyone who was as dancing-challenged (danci-capped, as I call it) as me, well, they still came out on the dance floor and had a good time.

The wedding cake was another point of splendor. Tasted great. Looked great. Tasted great. And it also tasted great. The groom's cake with the UGA motif was bad ass, and I loved the way a random "gooooooo dawgs" chant started up.

All in all, good times and lots of laughter.

The honeymoon also did well to keep the marriage roaring ahead at full steam. I will say, the hotel had great views of the ocean and set a very romantic, tropical atmosphere. And since it was all-inclusive, we could have as much booze or snacks out of our mini-fridge as we wanted. Order room service at any time of the day or night? All free. Go to any of their seven restaurants? Free. Take a tour of some Mayan ruins? Not enslaved, but it was emancipated to a level of freedom.


Fun Fact: Iguanas are all over the place if you are (1) near rocks and (2) close to the beach. They seem to run away when approached though.

While me and Kell had a great time, we did come to an agreement that our next vacation would be either inside the US or to an English-speaking country. Now the hotel staff did speak English. Hell, a lot of them spoke it fluently. But some of them spoke it very fast with a heavy accent. I'd sometimes get calls on my room phone from guest services... and to this day I have no clue what they were saying. "Yadda yadda yadda yadda sir yadda yadda room yadda yadda yadda, ok?"

To which I would respond, "Uhhh, sounds good."

Can't blame them though. They're trying to speak a language other than their native tongue. Lord knows that I took about 8 years of French and still sound like a brain-damaged drunk trying to speak it. So hats off to the hotel staff. They did their best and often succeeded.

Fun Fact: Mayans are the Mexicans of Mexico. They leave their poor, rural villages and head to the wealthier cities where they work in construction. After earning enough money, they head back home to spend it with their families.

And was booze ever plentiful. If you're just sitting around without a drink, someone will come and find you and offer you alcohol. Remember... it's all free. I'm no big drinker, but I drank something alcoholic every day I was down there. It's just hard to pass up when there's a bar area every 40 feet.

Also, me and Kell made sure to catch the BCS championship game. We saw most of the first half down in a lounge area and there were a good number of other people watching too. This one guy (and I presume his newly wed wife) had sombreros with "Ohio" written all over them.

When Ohio scored its second (and last) touchdown, he threw down his hat in the middle of the crowded lounge and proceeded to do a Mexican hat dance around the thing. Now THAT is fucking team devotion, especially since 90% of the other people seemed to be rooting for Florida.

Ah well. At least an SEC team won the championship and won convincingly. Even though having that team be Florida is a damned shame that sends a collective shiver down the spines of the Bulldawg Nation members across the globe.

Buckets in Toyland

You're probably thinking to yourself, "If only one of the hundreds of media outlets would compose some kind of... list that told me which items would be hot buys for the Christmas season... then I might be able to give up my will and submit to the horsewhip of consumerism!"

Well, your old pal Chris has his horsewhip firmly in hand, and with it, he plans to lead you to the waters of consumer goods and hold your head under until you are forced to drink. Big smiles everyone! Here we go:

XB-39 Eagleye Digital Camera R/C Airplane

Ever want to run a reconnaissance mission in Iran, but never had the time or money? Ever feel the need to piss off your neighbors, but you just couldn't figure out the perfect way how?

For $129.00, you can soar around your neighborhood by remote control, snapping pictures of just about anything and everything.

Homeland Security will have nothing on you when it comes to invasion of privacy! Send this bad boy upto 1,000 feet in the air, swoop around, take aerial pictures, and then land safely so that you can upload all 29 pictures to your home computer.

The perfect gift for peeping toms and nazi architectural committee community board members! Paint it jet black for an extra touch of stealthiness, as it soars into backyards everywhere with its 55-inch wingspan.

BrightFeet Lighted Slippers

Tired of beams of light that come from above the floor? Like to pretend that you're an armless crime scene investigator? Boston Ideas, LLC has come up with a solution to all your problems and an answer to all your desires!

For $40, the BrightFeet will light your way to happiness... if you define happiness as being twin beams of soft light eminating from your toes. And they're so practical, too!

The amazing innovations only light up when you stand on them AND only when it is dark. So don't bother reaching for a light switch! Don't turn on that lamp! Throw away all your night lights! BrightFeet shines a path... to success.

One of the colors selections available is Army Camo, for the rugged hunter suffering from cold toes and a fear of ankle-level darkness.

P Phone Mobile Handset

Sometimes talking on a cellphone while driving doesn't feel challenging enough. The geniuses at Propeller Modern therefore have delivered unto us... a corded handset that plugs into your cellphone.

...

Damn. I can't even continue this "I'm the advertisement writer guy" bit for this doo-dad. This thing is just plain retarded. Who the fuck wants to walk around with this thing? Lord knows it can't fit into many purses. It's definitely not going into my pocket. And it'd give a semblance of insanity to have it dangling from your belt.

As I type this, the description that I'm reading says "cast from vintage telephones". Hahahaha, holy shit do I feel old. "Vintage"? As if they had to go to a museum and make a plaster mold of these ancient objects to bring them forth to modern man. Indeed, few alive have laid eyes upon these mysteries of the past! Maybe if this manufacturer had looked into the past, it would have realized that people started ditching corded phones because they sucked compared to CORDLESS AND WIRELESS phones.

In fact, I think that a synonymous term for cellphone would be "mobile phone". Mobile. Not bound. Not restricted. Not limited in range... by a cord. My guess is that everyone at Propeller will be looking for a new job come February. That's my market prediction, as the fat cats of economics would say. Gah. That last one sickens me with the overly sweet flavor of stupidity. Tastes like Koolaid where the maker used too much mix and not enough water.

Ah well, here's a short sum-up of other insane or crappy gifts coming out:

Motorized Ice Cream Cone: Solid plastic cone with a top that rotates, so that you don't have to physically turn the cone yourself to lick the ice cream. Whoever gave that thing a patent needs to be shot.

Foot Flusher: It's a pedal for your toilet. No shit.

Cruzin Cooler: Unbelievable. Comes in gas (30 mile range) and electric (10 mile range). The $350 price tag disturbs me. I'm disturbed even more by the fact that the man's dog sits in the back cooler. Is it really that hot outside, or is Spot part of some sick pet-eating picnic? "Cruzin Cooler combines two basic necessities of life, the ability to have cold food or a beverage handy along with the means to get somewhere, without walking."

Sure. Sitting on a mini-fridge and driving at 10 miles per hour are life necessities. Jefferson just forgot to squeeze those in between "life" and "liberty" when he drafted the Constitution. And let's not kid ourselves... that's no all-terrain vehicle right there. Outside of a sidewalk or driveway, I don't see that cooler taking me anywhere.

Especially not 30 miles of anywhere.