Ghosts, Ankles, and a Fair

Ghosts

First of all, let's talk about atheists. My mom says they all torture dogs like Michael Vick. WHOA! That's definitely a strong view, even though she was partly laughing when making it. The subject of religion popped up at Crazy Chris's family stronghold after a commercial for "Ghost Hunters" came on.

The show is a crock of shit in my honest opinion. A team of people, who maybe minored in science at a community college, go out to haunted locations across America in search of fuzzy video clips and vague sounds that could be interpretted as being supernatural. OoooooOOOOoooooo! Spooky... if by "spooky" I mean "lame"... and if by "lame" I mean the biggest waste of time on television.

These assclowns never catch anything on camera that is even remotely strange or unusual. Yet they always act like something weird is happening just outside of the camera's view or beyond the range of their audio equipment. The Hunters will also talk about how some parts of rooms feel really cold.

Hey look! It's some kinda shadow or vampire over where we aren't pointing the camera!

No shit? The rundown, abandonned mansion from the 1700's has some cold spots? Call me crazy, but in my very unhaunted apartment in Georgia, it can get a bit chilly if I leave a window open in the dead of winter. Maybe the drop in temperature isn't from the weather outside! Maybe I'm haunted by my devilishly high electric bills. OOooooooOOOOooo!

But really, if I moved into a house where a ghost was residing, I'm not gonna call any ghost hunters or priests or voodoo witch doctors or TV psychics. According to famous psychic Sylvia Brown, all you have to do is get the ghost in your house to go to the light. Yeah, they can go to a light already... the light of my match as I burn that haunted piece of bastardized shelter to the ground.

Enjoy being homeless, ghost, because if I can't have the house, your ass sure won't be enjoying it! Fuckin' bum ghosts, squatting in homes legally owned by others. I don't care if you died waiting for your husband to return after World War II... go light a candle in the window of a home you have a legal title to.

Ankles

Well we're done with the topic of ghosts... for now. As for ankles, my mother broke hers over a week ago. One of her dogs accidentally knocked her over, and the ankle broke in three places. Youch! She's pretty much outta commision for the next 5 weeks, bound to a wheelchair. After that, she'll be able to get around with an air cast. Good times. Or uhhh... bad times.

A Fair

My "no petting zoo" policy was shattered this past Friday, laying on the floor about as broken and humiliated as an Iraq exit strategy. Going to the Georgia State Fair in Macon, I willingly entered the smelly realm of smelly petting zoo animals.

But there was a good reason: kangaroos. The very small petting zoo actually had some live kangaroos just standing there. Standing and staring with their big kangaroo eyes saying, "Pet me, Chris. Pet me."

Maybe that last part sounded creepy, but C'MON! It's kangaroos! I never thought I'd see one of those bouncing bipeds upclose unless I physically travelled to Australia. So I got in close and actually touched one. Yes, the smells of the petting zoo were nigh unbearable. Sure, I threw up a little in my mouth. Of course, I probably contracted a million diseases both bacterial and spiritual. But I got to pet a kangaroo, and that, my friends, made my fucking day.

I was careful with my decision though. Kelly and I were feasting on an elephant ear (the delicious pastry kind, not the African herbivore kind) when we spotted the marsupial spectacle standing within the caged confines of the zoo for petting. Kelly was ready to go over right then and there, but I let irrational fear of animal musk guide my mind when I replied, "Hold on there... those things smell, and they very well could be covered in sweat. If I touch the kangaroo, I'm not eating another piece of finger food tonight. Let's devour first, and pet second."

Think about it. How often do those petting zoo animals get washed? My guess is never. Not only do they have natural grossness that comes from being wild animals, but they've also had a few thousand human hands fondling them as they travel across the state of Georgia. I'm thinking about the safety of my health and the health of future Chris and Kelly children (when such a day arises). People will sometimes sneeze into their hands without cleaning, and those people are often called "children". And studies prove that 96.3% of all petting zoo patrons are in fact... children. You know what other disease children carry? Leprosy.

And I'll be damned if my end is gonna come at the hands of some filthy, flesh-rotting, kangaroo-petting lepper.

I Want Two...

Maybe even three. Maybe you can buy three and get one free. That'd be sweet. Super sweet! I mean... a quad and a waverunner in ONE!?

That shit is off the hook.



Awesome 4x4 Waverunner - Watch more free videos

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http://www.break.com/index/awesome-4x4-waverunner.html

Old Time Sensibilities

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Back in Bucket

Damn, it is hot down here. Not just hot. Hawt. Bastard hawt. It's like someone fed the Sun some extra spicy chili, and the fiery ball of fusion is shitting a plasma storm of bright, bright death onto the state of Georgia.

This week in Macon, we're expecting 5 days where the temperature will meet, exceed, and possibly decimate 100 degrees. My air conditioning is working overtime. That poor bastard is hiring illegal Mexican A/C units to work night shifts for him just so he can take a fucking break.

The heat nailed me and Kell this past weekend when we took a short trip down to Savannah. Being in Macon, the drive doesn't present too much of a challenge... unless you're dying of heat stroke on the return trip. Which I was. Fuh-GOW, Savannah's humidity was off the charts. I'm not just talking about regular charts either. The weather people shipped in charts from Shaolin temples, and the humidity still could not be contained... nor even comprehended. At one point, the humidity reached 115%. The very illogical nature of that number nearly created a rip in space, time, and sanity.

But's it all good, people. As the midday Sun baked Kelly and I into crispy McNuggets, I killed a few homeless people (in Savannah, a few won't be missed) and created a makeshift tent for shade.

When that didn't work, I bought us some shaved ice! WOOOOOOO!

What's cooler than cool? The wisdom of Outkast would say unto thee, "Ice cold." I smashed that shaved ice right down my throat. I've never felt better about damaging my internal organs with frost bite.

Side note: Never... never ever... NEVAH try to check in early to a Savannah hotel. They tell you it is possible, but their words are lies filled with untruth and venom and kryptonite.

In any case, next time I attempt a visit to the historic city by the river filled with homeless people, I will do so in the winter.

This... Is... BUCKET!

Savannah Nights

The Long and Short of It

Looks like I'll be going on a short weekend trip to Savannah. Good times. I'm taking my lady down to the coast where we'll spend one night at a hotel and enjoy two days of browsing around the historic sites of the city. Kelly also has some birthday money left, so I'm sure she'll buy clothes or trinkets if anything catches her eye.

This will surely be my last summer hurrah before the school year kicks back in, and then within a year's time, I (much like Eddie is now) will have graduated from law school. I'll probably be disbarred years later for an illegal badger smuggling ring, but c'est la vie, n'est pas?

Disturbing News

Well, well, well... it appears as though part of Louisiana hasn't quite figured out this "racial equality" thing yet.

http://rawstory.com/news/afp/Racial_demons_resurface_with_nooses_05242007.html
http://www.truthdig.com/report/item/20070717_two_races_two_systems_of_justice_in_louisiana/

The racial demons of the Old South have resurfaced in a rural
Louisiana town where black students who tried to sit on the white side of the
school yard were met by three hangmen's nooses dangling from a tree.

The students and their parents were outraged by the stark
reminder of the mob lynchings which had terrorized Southern US blacks until just
a few decades ago.

Months of inter-racial violence followed the decision by a
white school superintendent to over-rule the principal's recommendation to expel
three white students found to have hung the nooses.

....

"Adolescents play pranks," said superintendent Roy Breithaupt.
"I don't think it was a threat against anybody."

Inter-racial fights broke out at the school and then spilled
out into the small lumber and oil town of 3,000, which is 85 percent white and
12 percent black. Someone set fire to the central wing of the high school in
November. Then a black student was beaten for showing up at an all-white party.
And a white youth pulled a shotgun on three black teens at a convenience
store.

Finally, on December 4, a group of black students jumped a
white student as he was coming out of the school gym. Even though the teen
wasn't seriously hurt, six black students were expelled and were charged with
attempted second-degree murder and other offenses for which they face up to 100
years in jail.

The white teen who beat a black party crasher was charged with
simple battery. The white youth who pulled a shotgun was not charged at
all.

Whew! Crazy stuff, my friends. Crazy stuff. I mean, of course racism still exists in America. Most of our parents were born and raised when segregation still existed and when Jim Crow laws still had sway. It's not like when the Civil Rights movement took place that everyone changed their mind.

But still, I'm a bit surprised to see such blatant racism still in existence outside of the KKK. When you have nooses being hung when black kids play on the "whiteside" of the playground, there is something seriously f'ed up with your town.

And By The Way...

Iron Man the movie comes out next May, if I recall correctly. Billionaire industrialist and inventor nearly dies overseas, and upon recovery, puts his weapon designing genius to good use.

This movie will likely register a zero on the Shabbiness Scale, while hitting a 191 on the Fucktastic Meter.

Welcome to August!

That crazy Waldo. Ever the slick pimp of characters who are hard to find. Anyway... howdy! It's been over a month since my last blogging, and I feel as though it's time to catch up on shit that has happened.

First off, I went with the lady of the house and saw the new Harry Potter film. I will say that I found it to start off pretty slow, but the movie had a nice ending to it with all sorts of magical goodness. During the movie, a person in the row directly in front of us had their phone go off. Twice.

Upon the second ringing, Kelly and some her friends that joined us all let out various murmers and muttering of disapproval that were met with the nodding of shadowy heads surrounding the woman and her twice rung phone. Not even 5 minutes later, one of Kelly's friend's phones ring. Loudly. I can't even describe how loud the ring was. The closest I can come to giving you an idea is... well... imagine what it might sound like if a 300-foot tall Chris Tucker was set on fire.

Embarassing? Somewhat. Annoying? A bit. I'm surprised that no one in the crowd threw a wand and/or wand-like object at us with all the vigor of a wanna-be wizard's wrath unleashed.

In news relating to the mouthal area, us married folk went to the dentist for a check up this prior Monday. Kelly's teeth were pretty much a-OK, seeing as how she goes in for regular check-ups like a normal person probably should. My teeth were cavity free and in good shape... but the same could not be said for my gum line. Well, it could be said, but the nurse refused no matter how much money I offered her.

Yeah, it had been a good 7 years since my last dentist visit, so normal plaque build-up (the stuff that normally gets cleared up during cleanings) turned into tartar. No, not the delicious sauce often served with chicken. This stuff was more along the lines of "calcified deposits". Rather than a normal cleaning, the nurse scheduled me for two rounds of super cleaning.

You may think the dentist is bad enough when they use the metal pick to clean your teeth... but for me, the metal pick was only used after some kinda weird drill head was jammed into my pockets. Not good pockets like "cargo pants pockets" or "Hot Pockets". Gum pockets.

After an hour of drilling, scraping, washing, and disinfecting, my teeth were as good as new. The teeth on the right side of my mouth, at least. I go back next Tuesday for the left side. Which will likely be just as painful. I mean, right after the super ultra cleaning of atomic dentistry, my mouth felt a little tender... my teeth felt a bit light. Call me crazy, but I had figured that the numbing stuff she had given me earlier already wore off. Hahaha...

Shortly after returning home, I began to feel as if someone had pulled back my lips and cheek and punched me directly in the teeth. I passed out for a good two hours. Luckily, my fucktastic wife went out and bought all sorts of easy-to-eat soft foods. Yogurt, oatmeal, eggs? Not too shabby, my friends. Not too shabby at all.

As of now, the mouth feels better. I still favor my left side when eating, but I using a new electric toothbrush and some special floride paste to keep my grill spic and span.

In other news, fantasy football season is approaching, and Paul has convinced me to join his league. What does this mean? It means I'll be calling my NFL-savvy brother for tips on who to draft. I'm more of a college football man, but I figured the fantasy NFL experience would be good times and lots of laughter. Hopefully some of that laughter will be from me winning ocassionally. Lord knows this has been a rough year for me in the MLB with Boston being consistently ahead of the Empire State Pillars of Godliness known as the NY Yankees.

But I have faith the Yankees will pull through. Deepak better cheer twice as hard. His proximity to the team and stadium (compared to me) means that his cheers will multiply Yankee scores by an inverse ratio to the number of times Paul prays to his Red-Socked team of heretics... or something.

Last but not least: school news. Kinda got screwed on the job situation for this summer, but I did take a summer class (Torts II) to kinda "fill the gap", if you would. And that turned out pretty fuckin' good because I managed to CALI it. Personally, I'm not 100% sure what the letters in "CALI" stand for. I think the "L" stands for legal. Maybe the "A" is for advanced. But it basically means I got the highest score in the class, which in law school is never a bad thing.

With my last year on the horizon, I have a feeling of hope. Y'know... kinda like how Michael Vick hopes he won't go to prison for being a sack of filthy, worthless, animal-torturing douchery... except with me, my hopes are founded in reality while he's probably gonna get fucked.

Sorry for the long article, but I had a bunch to catch up with and probably still left a ton out (like the Braves game with Paul and Lauren, moving my bro out of his old GA Southern apartment, my sister's radio interview, frogs in my parents' pond, etc.), but I'll get to maybe half that crap in the future.

Adios, frère jacques, and a dormez-vous to ya.

Buckup-date

Bucket. Up-date. Buckup-date. For a title, I think that will suffice. So what's happening? Went ahead and put my home phone uner the "do not call" national registry fter getting a friggin' ridiculous telemarketer who just refused to put me on his company's own "do not call" list. Calls have already begun to reduce drastically, even though the government says the process can take upto 31 days (about how often companies check the registry).

I also hear that my pal Eddie has found employment. Fantastic. Even better is that hi job is close to home! Double thumbs up, mi amigo.

Oh, and if anybody needs to kill a little time, just do a Google search for "ant buster". Simple little online game where you just plop down a few towers to kill ants who are trying to eat your cake. Glorious, delicate cake. I can hardly wait for my 1 year aniversary just so I can dive into some leftover wedding cake. Luckily, one of Kell's friends is getting hitched in October... which means more sweet sweet wedding cake for good ole Chris! SCORE!

The Dubbing of Your LIFE!

I know I've seen this video before. I can't remember who I showed it to though, or even how long it has been since I've seen it. But I just stumbled across it on YouTube. Absolutely fucktastic! Dialogue from other parts played by James Earl Jones... dubbed over the lines of Darth Vader in Star Wars. It's a bit hit-or-miss, but the hits are comedy gold.